


My Beautiful Boy

by Caro_Evomad1



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Confessions, Consensual Violence, Love, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Romance, Rough Sex, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 19:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 41
Words: 87,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3861991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_Evomad1/pseuds/Caro_Evomad1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story starts in September 2015 with flashbacks to mid April onwards when Aaron refuses to play second fiddle to Chrissie any longer and decides to leave. Will Robert finally choose? Will they ever find a way back from the devastating fall out?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Early chapters are written almost wholly from Robert's POV with Aaron written in the third person. This changes in later chapters with both Aaron and Robert written in the first person.
> 
> When it gets to later chapters I have no medical knowledge so please forgive any medical or condition related inaccuracies or basically which would/could not happen in real life. These parts move the story points forward as I have in my mind when writing. This is my first ever fanfic so be gentle with me, but all feedback welcome....

Robert - Sept 2015

I sit in the quiet waiting, occasionally staring at the clock, until the time comes for me to go to my meeting later today; we have a special deal agreed and I can't be late. 

There's no TV, no radio in the house, no books or distractions; in fact you would be hard pushed to realise someone is living here at first glance. I never used to like keeping still nor the quiet; I was always up-to something even as a kid, working on an angle for some scheme or other, it drove my dad and Andy potty. I could never seem to focus on the farm or the mundane things in life; I always wanted more, something else. 

It's beginning to get dark outside I see; the street lamp comes on and as it shines through the window, shadows flicker across the back wall. Sitting in the battered easy chair by the window, I feel my eyelids closing; I battle to keep them open but the lack of sleep wins out and my mind wanders as I get lost in my own memories. This is all I have now, the quiet and the memories; I don't cry any more, I have no tears left and as usual, my mind drifts back to April.....

.

Robert - April 2015

We've been having a lot of ups and downs in the last couple of weeks and not in the way that gets me off. Like the other day, we had been enjoying a quickie in the barn but ended up arguing. It all kicked off when I told him I probably wouldn't be around for a couple of weeks. Chrissie is planning a holiday, a kind of substitute honeymoon, just for the two of us as we had to cancel the original booking. I had stupidly said it would do us good to have some time away. Aaron got the hump on immediately and it went downhill from there. He ended up yelling abuse at me finishing off with, 'time to choose Robert, me or Chrissie' and had stormed out.

Having heard from Vic that Adam was off the whole day collecting some gear from up north, I thought I would call in for a quick make up snog at the portacabin before heading off to meet a client. I am running late but what the hell. As soon as I walk through the door I can see he has the monk on. He goes and leans against the far wall, as far away from me as possible, hands shoved in his pockets like usual. I know he's angry; we'd arranged to meet last night, but I'd stood him up.

It was all because I'd been later than expected meeting with a client in Harrogate, Chrissie had been winding me up all week and the deal I had been working on was verging on maybe falling through. Today's Harrogate meeting will seal the deal though if I can work my charm. I have an angle I had been working on late into the night which I reckon might do the trick. Lawrence will love me forever if I can get this client on board and it might even get Chrissie to play nice for a while; when daddy is happy, Chrissie is happy. Thinking about it though, it probably didn't help that I was so focussed working on the deal that I had completely forgotten about my arrangement to meet Aaron.

He knows my Home Farm life comes first. He keeps saying he's okay with it and when he flips out every now and again, I talk him round.....; I always do. I go over to kiss him but he walks over to lean against the other wall before I get to him, "I'm leaving." I smile at him, that big sloppy grin I have; I can't help myself, this is part of the dance we do. He shakes his head and I'm sure he calls me a 'prick' under his breath. He is so beautiful, even more when he is like this. He is giving me that stone face look he has when he thinks he is taking control, but I know him better than anyone; it's his beautiful blue eyes that give him away, the anger and the lust simmering. It so turns me on, but pisses me off all at the same time. Why can't he just accept things the way they are, why is it not enough? It's not like I lied to him on how this was going to be between us.

"Yeah, anywhere nice?" I act all nonchalant and disbelieving; speaking with a tone that I know will push his buttons. Smiling away at him, my eyes never leave his but he doesn't react and I'm distracted by my phone buzzing in my pocket; I fish it out, god look at the time, "Look Aaron, I'm running late for a really important client, let's meet and talk about this later." I put on my best charm voice, "I promise when I get back we will have the best make up sex of your life, I'll make it up-to you I promise." With that I leave, tyres spinning as I head out to Harrogate. 

 

The meeting went really well and I'm feeling so very pleased with myself when I get back to Home Farm but there's no-one to be seen except Sam clattering about in the yard. Chrissie is off at some hair dressing exhibition or something and Lawrence is no-where to be found so I head off to see Aaron instead. After finding the scrapyard all locked up I wander up-to the pub to check if he's there. I know I'll soon get him back on side, I mean how could he resist. Being mid-afternoon the pub is quiet with just Diane serving and the usual suspects hanging around, "Pint Robert?"

"Sure why not, will you have a drink and join me? I'm celebrating bringing in the biggest client Home Farm has ever had." 

Diane smiles at me fondly, "That's great pet. I don't mind if I do, I'm just finishing my shift as it happens." Alicia appears from out the back and gives me a half smile. I always liked Alicia, we're not back on terms like before, but she isn't treating me like the enemy either which is something. I move to the end of the bar to chat with Diane, telling her all about today's deal and the upcoming holiday Chrissie is planning. After the second pint and still no sign of Aaron I am thinking of heading to the scrapyard again, he should have finished work by now. 

Alicia and Diane were twittering on about something when Aaron's name caught my attention, "What was that about Aaron?"

Diane gives me an odd look, "Oh, I thought he'd told you last night already; Aaron's leaving, booked his flight and everything."

Alicia pipes up, "May as well make the most of it, I mean with no ties he should enjoy it whilst he can. Sun, sand, sea, fit blokes....., not sure I can picture Aaron on a surf board though." I stare at her confused and she explains further, "Well he's off to Australia, meeting up with some guy he knew from France now working out there. He reckons he can spot a bit of work from him and Paddy's lent him the money for the flight."

Diane chips in, "Chas was none too happy I can tell you. They had a right old barney; I'm surprised they didn't hear it all the way down under, but she could see he wasn't going to back down. I mean, it's not as if he will be gone forever, I suppose he will come back at some point. I say good on him, although Chas is right, it is a long way away; not as though you can just pop over for the weekend," after pausing, she continues, "Oh, before I forget, he's signed over his share in the scrapyard to Adam; Chas has all the paperwork for you upstairs."

I manage to blurt out at least one question, "So when does he leave?"

It's Diane who answers, "Flight leaves Manchester tomorrow afternoon." I am now officially in shock.

TBC 


	2. Way To Go Sugden

Robert - April 2015

I don't remember driving back to Home Farm, just having Aaron on permanent re-dial and every time my call gets cut off. Has he blocked my number? He wouldn't, would he? Where the hell is he, where would he go the day before leaving for the other side of the world, thousands of miles away? I had tried Paddy's, the scrapyard, the pub again and even that dump where the Dingles live. I thought about going to Bar West, but that's too risky if anyone sees me.

Arriving back home I slam the car door; I am so angry that I'm shaking. I feel arms wrap around me and my heart lurches until I realise the perfume is Chrissie's; I push her arms away without thinking then immediately regret it. "Hey, what's got your goat? I hear you did the impossible deal?"

I smile, "Well you know me; no-one can resist that Sugden charm for long."

Chrissie counters, "Hmmmh, in your dreams. We should go out and celebrate, where do you fancy? You choose, anywhere but Emmerdale please." 

I stare after Chrissie who has wandered off already, chatting to Sam in the driveway about some pavilion tent that is being delivered for an event at the weekend. I shake my head and think what the hell am I doing, allowing that jumped up grease monkey to get me all worked up like this. I love my wife, I'm great at my job and pick-ups are two a penny when I want a fix. Sod you Aaron Livesy, good riddance.

I catch Chrissie in my arms as she makes her way back towards the house and pull her close into me, kissing her forehead, "I'll book somewhere in Leeds, somewhere nice and romantic; as long as it's just the two of us, your dad being a third wheel tends to spoil the romance."

"Deal, I know just the dress, it will be nice to focus on us for a change instead of all the other crap going on." This time it is Chrissie who slaps my arse, giving me a cheeky grin as she turns and heads off into the house.

.

I drank too much, but we had a fab meal, Chrissie was on form and she looked amazing. This is what I loved about her when we first started going out; sassy, sexy and strong although she's always been a little volatile. For sure you wouldn't want to cross her on the warpath on a dark night or during the day come to think of it, but that was part of the lure; life is full of possibilities with her. I do need to find a way to slowly push Lawrence out of the equation, but give me time, that kind of challenge is what I live for. 

We get back late, both heady from all the wine and I pay the taxi whilst Chrissie goes upstairs, "I'll be up soon, I'm just going to have a final whiskey." I smile to myself, happy....., we are good together and I have another sneaky second whiskey before going upstairs myself.

Chrissie is already changed and in bed when I go up; still awake she sleepily watches me change into my jamas, "I love you Mr Sugden," she always calls me that when she's had a drink too many.

I reach over and kiss her, "Well Mrs Sugden, I might just love you too." Chrissie pulls my t-shirt back over my head and we kiss hard. Reaching for me, she kisses my neck before moving to straddle me and I lean back letting her take control; I can tell she is in playful mood, no longer tired she's rubbing against me. I'm rock hard, quite surprising really considering the amount of alcohol I had drunk, but Chrissie is an expert when it comes to turning me on; she knows my body as well as Aaron. At thinking this I lose my hard on and it doesn't come back despite Chrissie's best efforts.

Eventually she gives up with the tiredness and alcohol finally kicking in but is unable to resist teasing me, "A whiskey too many, my darling baby." She's quietly giggling to herself and I can't tell if she is being facetious or just trying to make me feel better. It doesn't matter to me; either way, the spell of the evening is broken. When I look over at Chrissie, she's already asleep, her breathing steady and contented.

.

Two hours later I am still tossing and turning; I can't sleep and keep kicking Chrissie until she finally loses patience with me, grumpily mumbling that I should go into one of the spare rooms so she could get some sleep. I admit defeat and get out of bed pulling on my dressing gown to go for a drink.

Sitting at the kitchen table I cup my mug of coffee in my hands waiting for it to cool down; it reminds me of the week Aaron stayed here. How Chas hadn't cottoned on at the time was a miracle. He always woke before me and used to watch me sleeping which he thought I didn't know about; then he would head down for a quiet coffee and go for a run long before I ever surfaced. Coming back in he would creep up on me sitting in just this spot and wrap his arms around me, all smelly and sweaty; his touch was electric. I always ended up in the shower with him, but that was only the beginning; over the week I think we must have had sex on almost every surface in the house. His body is amazing and even tighter than ever with all the running. I sit smiling at the memory, that is until I realise I'm rock hard and I hear myself speak out loud, "Pull yourself together Suggers." Shit, what the hell is wrong with me; a nice cold shower, that's what I need.

Coming out of the shower I get dressed, there is no way I will go back to sleep now. I look at the clock, just past 4am; eight hours until afternoon. I wonder what time his flight leaves. I mean what the hell kind of time is afternoon anyway.....; it could be anything from twelve until after five.

For the last five months I have honestly believed that I didn't need him. He is....., was an affair and I would never leave Chrissie for him; I had always been sure on this point so why am I pacing the kitchen. "Focus Robert," I am talking to myself again, that's not good. I know, work, I need to do some work to distract me, anything. I just need to get through these next few hours; I mean once he's gone, he is gone, then I can move on with my life. Walking in the direction of the office, not watching where I am going, I trip over Dog's basket and land like a tit on the floor just inside the utility room. I can't breathe; I'm so bad I have to sit a minute, leaning against the wall to calm myself, lightly banging my head back and forth. I had woken Dog with my clumsiness; he looks at me as if to say 'what the fuck' and then rests his head wearily back down, closing his eyes. I know just how he feels.

Getting up off the floor, I pull my jumper out of the washing basket and put it on, pausing as I pull it over my head; I can smell Aaron. I was wearing it that day in the barn and his words are now ringing in my head, 'time to choose Robert, me or Chrissie'. Grabbing the car keys, the cold night air hits me as soon as I'm out of the door, but I ignore it and walk to the car.

.

It's 5am and I'm sat in the car, parked outside the pub. Everything about Aaron is filling my mind now, his smell, that shy goofy smile he sometimes gives me when we are alone and his stupid jokes. He is actually quite funny when he's relaxed and he can deliver the most sarcastically cutting one liners; I suppose with him being related to Chas it's in the genes, but I can hold my own with him.

I unlock the back door to the pub with the key Diane gave me in case of emergency; I'd say this counts. I try to be quiet, but I'm paranoid with every step seeming to creak; just get on up there, stop being such a muppet. Opening Aaron's bedroom door I start towards his bed until I suddenly go flying, crashing to the floor; I'd tripped over his boots lying randomly just through the door, the untidy git I think smiling to myself. However, before I can say anything I feel a whack over the head and get a hard kick in the face. I can hear shouting, but I'm too busy holding my nose; shit I think he's broken it. The light switches on and at the same time Chas bursts through the door closely followed by Diane, both woken by the racket going on in Aaron's room. All three of them are now peering down at me, bent over on my knees trying to stem the flow of blood rushing from my nose, "Robert, what the....." 

Well that wasn't quite what I'd had in mind....., way to go Sugden.

TBC


	3. Don't Judge Me

Robert - April 2015

"I think you've broken my nose," I more or less spit the words out, "And you owe me a new jumper."

Chas patiently hands Diane a fresh towel and clean tissues so she can try to clean me up, holding my head back until finally my nose stops bleeding.

Aaron is sat at the kitchen table scowling at me, "If I had known it was you, I would have kicked harder." Diane glances between us, but says nothing.

After closer inspection, Chas and Diane decided it probably wasn't broken and Diane confronts me to find out what I'd been intending, "You'll live but what the heck were you doing creeping round at this time in the morning?"

I just stand there miserably staring at the kitchen counter, my index finger tracing a scratch in the wood. I don't answer, not trusting myself to say anything which is only making things worse. Aaron shakes his head in disgust, gets up and walks out.

"Well after all that excitement, I think I will go grab a shower." Chas follows him out; thankfully she didn't have a go at me, though if looks could kill I wouldn't be breathing right now. 

.

I move to the table and sit down where Diane comes and sits next to me, setting down two mugs of tea. "Robert, are you going to tell me what's going on, clearly something is." My hands are clenched on the table and I rest my head down on them. Diane puts a hand on my shoulder, "Robert, you know you can talk to me about anything, I can't help if you don't talk to me." I can't seem to find any words, instead I find myself quietly sobbing and Diane pulls me into her arms; I haven't cried like this since Dad died.

Wiping the tears away, I try to pull myself together and eventually I manage to say something, "You will be so disappointed in me again, I've screwed everything up, same as always." 

"You are a good person Robert, misguided at times, but none of us are perfect. We just have to try to do the right thing as best we can and hopefully find some happiness along the way."

"And what if that means hurting someone I really love? What if it's too late and I can't ever make it right?"

Diane tilts her head to one side in thought a minute, "Was Katie right, are you cheating on Chrissie?" I look at her and slowly nod my head. Diane waited for me to continue. "I'm not going to judge you Robert, the heart is fickle and I'm not so old as to not remember, but I thought you were really happy with Chrissie?"

"I didn't mean for it to happen, I just couldn't help it. Chrissie is everything I ever wanted and I do love her, I promise, I meant my vows but....., but I am in love with someone else. I didn't go looking for it, I couldn't help myself. I thought I could ignore it, make it go away but I can't. I have been such a shit over the last few weeks....., well months really." Diane looks taken aback at this but I continue, "So much we ended it twice, the affair I mean, but I couldn't stay away." I take a breath, "I am so confused Diane, I don't know what to do, tell me what to do." I am so ashamed, I can't look at her.

"Oh love I can't tell you what to do, only you can decide. But why were you sneaking into Aarons room earlier? Does he know and you thought he would tell Chrissie before he leaves, is that why he is so ticked off with you?" Diane knows very well how fiercely loyal and protective Aaron can be.

"It's not that simple."

"But he does know?" I nod my head, feeling suddenly very tired. "Well I don't think Aaron will tell Chrissie, he knows from his own family how messy it all gets; you and Chrissie have enough problems going on with Lachlan at the moment. He might not think much of you, but I think he will keep it to himself."

.

Diane gently puts her hand on my arm, "The question you have to ask yourself is who truly makes you happy, who can't you imagine living without?"

This just makes me feel even worse; I get up and start to pace the room, now visibly agitated as I haven't thought about anything else for hours. "I don't have to imagine Diane, it's happening. It's happening right now, this is what's tearing me apart; I have to choose now or I will lose him forever." I take a deep breath and look Diane direct in the eyes. "I'm the reason Aaron is leaving, it's Aaron that I have fallen in love with; we've been carrying on since last December. Please don't judge me Diane, please....., oh crap, what am I going to do?" I collapse down onto the sofa, my head in my hands again.

Diane is quiet for a short while clearly surprised and a little shocked, "Well that explains a few things thinking about it; though I have to say I didn't see that one coming." I look at her oddly, not quite sure what she means but I don't care either way. 

"Does anyone else know?"

"Chas and Paddy."

Diane raises her eyebrows, "And you are still living, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that one." I groan, leaning back on the sofa, "Sorry pet, I didn't mean it to come out quite like that." 

"I need to speak to him Diane, I need to see him, but he doesn't want anything to do with me; he has even blocked my number. I don't want to make a scene in front of the whole village; I will if I have to, but that will only make everything ten times worse." 

"What about Chrissie?"

I shake my head, it's all becoming too much, "I can't think about that yet, I just know I need to speak to Aaron before I do anything else."

Diane is watching me and I get the feeling she's trying to work out just how serious I am about Aaron. She comes to sit next to me, "Do you know what you are going to say to him?"

"I don't know, I honestly don't know; I just know I can't let him leave. The thought of not being able to be near him....., I can't breathe whenever I think about it." I look at Diane, grabbing hold of her hand, "Will you help me?"

TBC


	4. I Love You Aaron Livesy

Robert - April 2015

I knock on the door, looking round quickly to check if anyone is watching. Diane has somehow managed to rope Paddy into helping me; I don't know how and to be honest I don't care, I'm just glad that I have a chance. 

Paddy opens the door and pushes me backwards a little, moving us both outside onto the path, "He's through in the lounge. He doesn't know you are coming and I can't promise you he will react well." I feel Paddy's eyes boring into mine, full of disapproval, "You have walked all over his heart and he is not in a charitable mood towards you, but Diane seems to believe you love him and well....., she's no sap for a sob story." Paddy stares at me hard, "I'll be in the pub. This is your last chance, you blow it and you will lose him for good." He walks off down the path; it's up to me now.

I quietly close the door behind me and walk through the kitchen but stop and hover outside the door to the lounge, leaning against the fireplace just round the corner so he can't see me. I need a moment; I still have no real idea what I'm going to say to him.

"Paddy, how long does it take to make a cuppa, do you need help old man?" Aaron walks up the step through into the kitchen grinning but stops as soon as he sees me. I see him tense up, the look on his face turning to thunder. Without saying a word he picks up his coat from the back of a kitchen chair and heads for the door.

I grab for his shoulder with my hand, my voice barely more than a whisper, "We need to talk."

Taking me completely by surprise he spins round and lands a punch square on my jaw where he catches me just at the right angle, I can't help but fall to the floor. "No Robert. I gave you chance after chance, you might now have something to say, but I don't. Have a nice life Robert or whatever, I really don't care anymore." He's gone before I can react, the house door slamming behind him. I don't attempt to get up and remain sitting on the floor with my back against the washing machine, rubbing my jaw; shit that hurt.

.

The Woolpack - April 2015

Vic is excitedly shushing everyone, "He's coming, he's coming."

"Surprise" They all shout out as Aaron walks though the main door of the pub. He can't help but grin at the smiling faces; so much for quietly slipping off without a fuss.

Chas hugs him, she has her usual half pint with straw in hand, classic Chas Dingle; this never fails to make him smile. "Just a little send off from your nearest and dearest. Couldn't let you go off to the other side of the world without letting you know how much we'll miss you, now could we?"

.

Adam passes Aaron a pint, draping his arm around his shoulders, "Get that down you lad, now don't you forget to send us a postcard."

"Don't worry, I'll miss you too." Grinning Aaron brushes aside that sinking feeling; this is why he came back from France in the first place. He had missed family and friends so very much and now he's leaving it all behind a second time; he knows he is breaking Chas' heart. "Let's hope this time you can stay out of trouble long enough for me not to have to come back to save your arse." Aaron playfully gives Adam a dig in his side.

"Naw mate, not this time, I've got Vic here to keep me on the straight and narrow. When you come back I will have made millions, my very own scrap empire."

Adam winks at Vic who wraps her arms around his waist, smiling, "Don't worry Aaron, I'll have him sorted."

Aaron laughs, "Good luck with that because if that ever happens, I'll have to come back to see it for myself." He is pleased they finally got their act together, they make a good couple. Watching Vic drag Adam off into the kitchen to get some more sandwiches he just hopes that Adam doesn't screw it up; he doesn't have the best track record. 

.

Paddy comes over and stands next to Aaron passing him a fresh pint, "Sorry." Aaron shoots him a look that clearly says he knows he'd been set up.

"What were you thinking Paddy?"

"Diane had me convinced it was the right thing to do. Sorry, I shouldn't have interfered." 

"No, Paddy you shouldn't of, but then that wouldn't be you if you had left well alone would it?"

"No, s'pose not." Paddy throws Aaron that look he has when he knows he's put his foot in it and Aaron can't stay cross with him, not today. "Come 'ere, you soft touch, I'm gonna miss you," He gives Paddy a big hug, parting reluctantly.

Cain comes over to Aaron nodding at the pub clock, "It's time to be making tracks."

Chas comes over pulling on her coat getting ready to go with them for the drive over to Manchester. Aaron smiles a little embarrassed, "Don't worry Cain, I'll miss you too. Let me just go upstairs and get my stuff."

.

Robert - April 2015

After walking into his room Aaron stops as soon as he sees me leaning against the back wall by the window. His eyes searching for and seeing his rucksack with his passport and tickets in it on the floor next to me. I am a little more wary this time because I'm not sure my face can take another punch today; he would have to get round the bed and across the room first before he can hit me. Aaron is calmer, more controlled than I was expecting, there's almost a touch of amusement in his expression, "You can't take a hint can you?" He sighs heavily, "Just fuck off Robert." 

"Don't go Aaron, please....., don't leave."

Aaron shakes his head sadly at me, "It can't work Robert; we just keep going round in the same old circles. You never promised a relationship. When you said your marriage wasn't enough and that you loved me, deep down I knew I was just kidding myself this meant that I might be enough. I know you care but you were clear right from the start what you wanted from me, that you wanted us both and you would never leave Chrissie." I flinch when he says her name. "It's not your problem that I can't deal with that. You're right; I knew what I was getting myself into."

"I meant it when I told you I love you; that I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you Aaron."

"What we have....., it's not enough Robert; for me it's not enough. I'm not like you; I can't shut off the different parts of my life into nice neat separate boxes. With me it's all or nothing, it's the way I am." Aaron leans back against the door, looking tired, "You need to let me go Robert, because if you don't, it will kill me."

I stay silent by the window, my eyes never leave his; we always did find it almost impossible to be in the same room and not look at each other. I feel so conflicted, I know I've been selfish all my life in almost everything and being with me had taken its toll on Aaron, physically and mentally. I know in my heart I should let him go; a life with me will just be a permanent disappointment to him. I will never have that kind of moral compass that seems inbuilt with him. Everyone is right, he deserves so much better than me. We both jump as the silence is broken by Chas shouting from downstairs, "Aaron, where are you love? We need to get going."

He yells back, "Be there in a minute." Reluctant and feeling defeated, I pick up his rucksack and put it on the middle of the bed, close enough for him to reach then lean back against the wall, shoving my hands in my pockets. I know I'm doing the right thing; he is better off without me. I can sense him relaxing a little as he pulls his rucksack off the bed, "Thank you, it's better this way Robert."

As he turns towards the door I feel a tear running down my face, "I love you Aaron Livesy, don't ever forget that; you make me a better person. I hope you find someone worthy that will make you happy. Promise me....., promise me you won't ever settle for being treated as second best." 

Aaron turns to look at me and smiles, "I don't regret us being together you know, none of it." With this, he leaves, the door closing behind him and I hear the thud of his feet as he go downstairs. I lean back against the wall feeling totally crushed; my heart is breaking.

TBC


	5. All Or Nothing

The Woolpack - April 2015

"Alright love, you have everything?"

Aaron glances up, thinking of Robert upstairs in his room and before he can help it, he snaps, "Stop fussing mum, I'm not a child; anything I've forgotten, I will sort when I get there."

"Okay, okay. Keep your 'air on, no need to bite my head off."

Paddy gives Aaron a last hug, "I'm sure he didn't mean it like that Chas; he's just a bit touchy knowing he's going to miss you, right Aaron?"

Aaron nods, annoyed and disappointed with himself for snapping like that when he knows it is likely going to be months or even longer before seeing his mum again. "Yeah, sorry, lack of sleep."

Diane comes over and gets a sheepish grin from him, "Well, I can honestly say I won't miss getting up in the mornings to find no bread or milk left for breakfast." She looks at him fondly and gives him a hug, speaking quietly into his ear, "A funny old day, hey pet?" 

"You could say that." He looks thoughtful, but doesn't say anything more and Diane isn't going to push him.

Cain is getting impatient, "He won't be flying anywhere unless we get a flamin' move on."

Aaron goes round the back of the bar and kneeling down with his back to the main bar area fastens his rucksack up. After coming downstairs with his stuff, hardly into the bar, he had been accosted by Vic and Adam at the back doorway where they had grabbed his rucksack to put god knows what in there. 'Little reminders of home' they had said like giggling school kids. Aaron smiles to himself, knowing he'll have to empty it all out at the airport to check they haven't put something stupid in there that will get him into trouble with security. Finally done, throwing the rucksack over his shoulder, Aaron stands back up to find himself staring straight into Robert's eyes.

.

Robert - April 2015 

For the first time in a very long time, I feel totally out of my depth, in fact panic wouldn't be too far away from the truth and that's not just because there's a fifty-fifty chance he will punch me again, "I can't let you go Aaron, I just can't." Before Aaron can open his mouth to say anything, with my left hand around the side of his neck and my fingers reaching up through his hair, I wrap my other arm round the back of his waist pulling him to me and I kiss him deep, hard and quick. The rucksack falls down from his shoulder onto the floor; he doesn't move, his arms hanging by his sides. I cup his face in my hands, "I love you Aaron Livesy, I am not letting you go anywhere without me so do your worst."

Aaron is looking at me flustered and confused, his voice barely audible, "What are you doing Robert?"

I think we are both becoming aware of the quiet slowly descending across the pub as more and more people have stopped what they were doing to stare at us; too stunned even Chas hasn't managed to say anything yet. I can see he's embarrassed but at the same time he doesn't pull away from me so that our faces are almost touching; so close I can feel his every breath.

If he is going to take me seriously then they all need to hear, no more hiding, "You wanted me to choose, right? Well, be careful what you wish for." Aaron looks unsure as I continue, "All or nothing you said." He manages a slight nod, our eyes are locked and I so want to stroke his cheek but resist the urge, really not sure how he would react. "I'm not the same person since I met you; you've changed me in ways you don't even know. If you leave, I will be back to being nothing so I don't care whatever happens now, except that I am all yours if you give me a chance to prove myself to you."

I force myself to stop talking now as I can't even begin to tell what he is thinking and he's not saying anything at all, just staring at me. Inside I'm freaking out because I have no idea if this is a good or bad sign. I need Aaron to say something, say something please....., anything is better than silence at this point. Aaron brings his arms up and I brace myself fearing the worst but he grabs hold and kisses me with a passion that takes us both a little by surprise; I feel the waves of relief washing over me, I have never felt like this in my life ever before. 

.

"All or nothing...., is that so?" 

We break apart abruptly and Aaron spins round. We both find ourselves staring uncomfortably across at the pub entrance where Chrissie has walked in, seemingly with perfect timing to hear my declaration to Aaron, Lawrence two steps behind her. The atmosphere in the pub is suddenly feeling supercharged with anticipation.

Chrissie is looking shocked, but manages to stay in control as she takes a couple of small steps forward; the people closest to her move back a little, not quite sure what is coming. Her tone however, betrays the fact she is seething underneath, "A it is after all....," She pauses, "A for Aaron." She practically spits his name out.

Immediately I feel Aaron tensing and he leans back into me, almost as if he is shielding me with his body, protective, yet at the same time I know he is drawing comfort that I'm close. My hand grabs onto his waist and I wrap my other arm up over his chest, holding him tight to me, just in case he tries to do something rash. I see the look in Chrissie's eyes, Lawrence too and I need Aaron to stay calm; we can't give them any excuse to use something against us somehow from him kicking off. Resting my head against Aaron's, I'm willing him to get my silent message.

Chrissie laughs at us, but as she speaks we hear the raw bitterness, "I have to admit Robert, I would not have ever suspected another man; at least you didn't lie to me when you said you would never cheat on me with another woman." I decide it's best to keep quiet and let her have her say. "I'll have Sam collect your things for you, along with his final pay cheque. You can take it for granted you are no longer welcome at Home Farm." Chrissie glares at me, practically challenging me to say something, but I don't. At the end of the day, nothing I can say will change what she has just seen and heard me say in front of half the village. I just hold tighter onto Aaron needing to feel him close, taking comfort from his body; Chrissie winces seeing me do this.

There is clearly more to be said, but not now, Chrissie is smart and she knows this battle is better played out away from an audience. She takes a last look around the pub, her stare lingering when it gets to Chas and Paddy. "He'll break his heart, you both know that don't you? Robert is way too selfish and egoistic to give himself to anyone." Her voice is cracking now and Lawrence puts a hand on her shoulder; turning she walks silently out of the pub. Lawrence half turns, then pauses a moment studying me intently, his face unreadable and then follows his daughter out. He hadn't said a word or visibly reacted the whole time, but Lawrence learnt the art of controlling his emotions a very long time ago.

As soon as they are gone there's a low hum of talk around us; I feel Aaron relax into me and I kiss the back of his head. I get the impression the onlookers are a little disappointed it hadn't turned into a massive slanging match or that Aaron or Chrissie hadn't really let loose.

.

Cain speaks to Aaron, his face deadpan, "I take it you're not going to want that lift to the airport after all then?" He doesn't wait for an answer, "Another pint please Chas."

"I'll get it." Diane puts her hand calmingly on Chas' arm guessing she is far from impressed and is more than likely about to make her feelings known.

I'm not ready to face an onslaught from Chas or all the questions and crap from whoever else has an opinion or thinks they have a right to interfere. Aaron either feels the same or has guessed what I'm thinking, "Let's get out of here." We're gone before anyone can stop us. 

I heard Paddy stop Chas from trying to follow, "Leave them, they need to sort this out on their own." I expect she's fuming and at some point will make sure she has her say.

.

We are sitting on the steps of the cricket pavilion. Aaron is sat on the top step fiddling with a long blade of grass whilst I am leant with my head against the banister, my eyes closed. There is a comfortable quiet between us, neither quite ready for any more words, contemplating what had just happened and how we might go on from here. It's eventually Aaron who breaks the silence, looking at me quietly, "Are you sure?"

I open my eyes and look straight at him, "Yes, I'm sure." I don't blame Aaron for still not being fully convinced that I am not going to suddenly change my mind, the grand gesture over.

With a hint of a smile Aaron nods his head slightly and lets out a deep sigh, "So what now Spongebob Squarepants?" He hadn't let his expression slip and I couldn't help myself but crack out laughing, it feels really good. 

Aaron moves to sit behind me so I am sitting between his legs and I lean back to rest against him, shaking my head in mock indignation, still chuckling. He kisses the top of my head, puts his arms around me and rests his chin on my shoulder; we sit like this close together for a while, staring out at nothing in particular across the cricket pitch.

TBC


	6. Numb

Robert - September 2015

A shrill laugh from outside in the street interrupts my dream; I wake with a jolt and stare out of the window to try seeing what woke me. I watch a group of kids laughing and teasing each other as they pass by the window in the direction of the bus stop, blissfully unaware of how cruel life can be.

It's properly dark outside now. I glance at the clock and see I still have time to go for a shower before heading off to my appointment; this is one I can't miss....

.

As I stand under the shower, the water pressure is hitting my body so hard it feels like it's leaving little marks on my skin. I look down at the bruise on my lower abdomen, shades of yellow and green, it doesn't really hurt anymore but I constantly feel the one on my lower back at the other side, this one is still a little bluish. I run my fingers over it, my eyes closing as I sink into the sensation of how it feels together with the memory of how I got it.

I always did have a knack for finding people at the right time who fulfil a need or a want. After it happened, I wasn't coping, not on any level; the guilt was consuming me, yet I had felt completely numb. I can't explain it, my body was walking around, eating, drinking, talking, but it's like it wasn't really me.

When Aaron used to try and explain to me about the self-harm and that it had helped make the pain go away I had never really understood it. No matter how hard he had tried, I simply didn't get it. I had even read up quite a lot on it at one point to see if that helped, but it didn't really. I just couldn't imagine why or how anyone could be in such a place mentally to purposefully hurt themselves. The concept was so foreign to my nature, or so I had thought at the time.

Now I understand completely, I suppose that's kind of what I'm doing. Not the same as Aaron did after Jackson, I don't physically hurt myself, but in the end the result is the same; it makes everything fade...., just for a very short while, but it never lasts long enough. The darkness and heavy weight of guilt always finds a way to creep back to the surface.

It was back at the end of July when, even though it had been just a couple of weeks, for the first time in what felt like forever, albeit in an unconventional way, I finally found a way to feel something, anything....

.

Robert - End July 2015

I had been most of the day with Aaron in the hospital, the same as I had been every day for almost two weeks. Today though, somehow today was different. I had been listening to the doctors briefing Chas and Paddy, the treatment is now moving onto the next phase. I had just stood there nodding when they nodded; I don't know why I was even there and what the hell do I know about what Aaron needs; I am the reason he is here. I'm worse than useless to him; why hadn't I let him go when he asked me to, he would have moved on, found some hot surfer dude or whatever. I can't seem to feel the hope that I see in Chas and Paddy's eyes when they were talking, in fact to be honest, I don't actually feel anything at all.

That isn't to say, however, that I don't understand what is going on. The stark reality is very much beginning to sink in; tomorrow Aaron will be transferred to a psychiatric inpatient facility.

.

After the Doctor had left, Chas and Paddy are talking about visiting rotas and god knows what. They keep asking me what I think, what I want, trying to include me in everything. I just keep thinking how they can stand to even look at me never mind let me stay by him constantly. If I was them, I wouldn't want me anywhere near; I feel sick as the memory starts to crawl back in. I quickly shut it out but it's too late, I feel the panic rising and I need air, Christ I need to get out, get me out of here, "I'll catch up with you both later; I have an appointment with the solicitor." I'm lying through my teeth, but I just need to get out, fleeing as quickly and as far away as possible.

Out of the hospital, I wasn't paying any attention to which direction I took, it didn't matter, I had no place to be. Being in the fresh air and away from the smell of a hospital room, after a while I slowly calm down. I shudder, but this time it is just the evening air feeling a bit nippy and I had left my jumper behind in my rush to get out; I see a pub over the way and head over, I need a drink.

"Pint of bitter please, oh and a whiskey."

I can't stop a big yawn from creeping out, I am so tired. I'm hardly sleeping, I can't seem to manage more than a couple of hours at a time and whenever I close my eyes I have the same nightmare running on repeat in my head.

I am on my third pint, propping up the end of the bar with my third whiskey chaser for company, just staring into space finding it oddly relaxing to people-watch, seeing them carry on with their normal everyday lives. It's freeing to be in a space where no-one knows me, also probably helped by me feeling the effects of the alcohol dulling my senses a little. With the Woolpack under assessment by the Insurance and will need re-construction there is a temporary pub operating out of the village hall, but I can't go in; every time I try something inside holds me back. Since Aaron has been in hospital I haven't had one drop of alcohol until today; maybe that's the problem, maybe alcohol will chase the nightmares away.

Some random bloke comes to the bar and orders a pint. I find myself looking at him standing only a couple of feet away from me. Pint in hand he stays at the bar, probably a regular as he's chatting away with the barman and a couple of other guys who were already here before he came in. He's definitely attractive, if you like that kind of thing. A bit more the rough and ready type if you know what I mean, but then again his accent, not posh, but told me he hadn't gone to the likes of Hotten Comp or if he had, he had moved onto different circles. He looks around the same age as me, maybe a bit older but there's something about him; I can only describe it as a physical presence, can't put my finger on it.

He doesn't really acknowledge me after he nodded a hello when he first came to the bar, just the casual way you do with strangers in a pub, yet I just know he is aware of me. I don't really take my eyes off him all the time he is there, not in a way that I fancy him or anything because, well I don't. Yet there is just something intriguing about him and something tells me he's noticed me; every now and again he glances at me. There's no come-on or anything from him, but there's a clear vibe, I'm just not certain what that vibe is.

I'm considering whether to order another pint or get the bus back to Emmerdale when my neighbour gets up, saying his goodbyes to his friends whilst writing something down on a card he had got out of his wallet. It's kind of infuriating that I find myself so drawn to him then on his way out, hardly stopping and not saying a word, he puts the card in front of me on the bar and leaves.

I look across to see if his friends are watching or anything, but they aren't; they are already chatting away about something else. Picking up the card I'm not quite sure what to make of it. On one side is what I assume is the name of a bar or club " _extreme bliss_ ", but oddly nothing else, no address or anything then when I turn the card over, on the back he had simply written, ' _11pm tomorrow night !'_

I put the card in my back pocket and go out into the street, pondering what next. In the end I decide to go back to the hospital, I can't face going back to the village just yet.

.

I am sleeping in Aaron's old room at Paddy's, which is kind of strange, but as the pub is uninhabitable, it is the only option I have. I couldn't bear to go back to the home I had shared with Aaron, I had tried, but just couldn't, I'm not ready yet. Diane is with Vic and Adam and although there is another room spare, Adam wasn't having a bar of me, so I'm not welcome there. Chas and James are up at the farm with Moira and Cain, so Rhona and Paddy have taken me in. It works in a strange way; I get why Aaron had preferred to stay with Paddy when he was younger.

As usual after an hour or so I am awake, unable to sleep for any length of time. Taking the card out of my jeans back pocket, I go into the kitchen and make a coffee. Opening the cover of my tab, I search the name written on the front of the card. At first nothing comes up that seems to make sense, I was expecting to see adverts and stuff about a pub, bar or club, but nothing returned from the search that seemed to fit. There are a few completely off entries and a few blog posts; curious I click on one of the blogs and start reading.

.

We’ve just got back in from the in-patient place after Aaron's transfer; it had not been a good day. The doctor advised us that they needed time to assess him and that we weren't allowed to visit him for a few days; they said they would let us know when we could next go. Chas was in tears in the car the entire journey back to Emmerdale, even Paddy was unusually silent as he drove and I had just stared out of the window.

I had come for a shower as soon we get back to get rid of the hospital smell that always seems to linger. Afterwards my thoughts turn to the card that has been burning a hole in my back pocket all day. Last night it had taken quite a while and it had needed some persistence but I had found what I believed to be the address. I might still be in temporary denial after what I had read, but I'm not in any doubt that I had made my mind up to go.

TBC


	7. Soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are going to flip back and forth a little more frequent now, Roberts mindset is very much linked to the timeline.
> 
> After this chapter the story will increase in violence for a while, either suggested or actual described. One specific chapter I will try to write in a way that allows readers to skip the chapter completely without losing what is important to the story ongoing.

Robert - June 2015

I am leaning against the doorway of our new home, smirking whilst watching Aaron and Adam lugging a sofa up the cottage path. Adam half dropping his end, complaining to Aaron that he is going too quick, Aaron takes the piss with another one-liner winding Adam up even more. I laugh at them, seriously I could watch Aaron 24/7 and never get bored of staring at him; I am so happy to finally be with him. Andy comes up behind me to see what all the commotion is, grinning as he sees Laurel and Hardy still messing around, "Fancy a brew?"

"Yeah, why not, but make mine a coffee though." I have to shout the last bit because he's already halfway back to the kitchen.

Thinking on it, I don't know now why I had held onto the idea of being with Chrissie for as long as I had. In the end we were never really happy. It had all been part of the ten year plan I had put together after I had left Emmerdale. I had been so focussed on this for so many years that it had ruled everything, the heart didn't really get a say. I am certain now more than ever I would always have been back in third place with Chrissie, Lawrence taking priority in her heart with "Creepy Beanie" as Aaron called him, a close second. I can complain all I like about Chas and Cain who get in my face all the time, but they love and protect Aaron unconditionally, Chrissie and I never had that, she only gave that to Lawrence and Lucky. I was not bound by blood, even Donny got a closer look in, kind of half-blood by default of being Beanie's father.

I had moved into the pub that same day as I had made my confession of love. Chas had refused to allow it at first. Diane, bless her, had backed and supported me all the way but it had been a full on battle between Aaron and his mum. In the end Aaron won out, Chas wasn't going to lose Aaron again and she had to concede, but in the beginning it was an uneasy truce. At times, even Diane was pushed to breaking point with our constant bickering and she is the most understanding person I know. I'm glad Dad found her, I never really told him that; so many regrets. I promised Aaron he would not regret giving me a chance.

Other than Jack and Sarah, until Aaron, I had not truly loved anyone so unconditionally, not even Vic or Andy if I am honest. I know how that sounds, considering it had taken me all this time to come to my senses and had caused a lot of heartache on the way, but I had got there in the end. It hadn't ever been about deciding was I gay or bi, I had never separated out who I was attracted to and who not, I either wanted someone or I didn't. With Aaron, it was more though, that had been what scared me the most I suppose, why I had resisted it for so long. With Aaron I was head over heels in love with him and I couldn't shake it, no matter how hard I tried. I knew that once I openly admitted my feelings, I would be letting Aaron have all of me and that's how it is; he has become a part of me, it's like I can't breathe anymore without him. All I can say is Robert Sugden is no longer on the market.

.

Chrissie true to her word had Sam collect my things, who dutifully brought them to me at the pub. Not that there was much to bring once she had burned it all and tipped the ashy remains into bin bags. Another reason for the Dingle clan to hate me that Sam had lost his job. Aaron had just said to me, "Well I love you and anyway I'm not a Dingle, I'm a Livesy". 

When I asked him what the difference was he said, "I'll tell you one day Robert Jacob Sugden, the same day you tell me what it is to be a Sugden."

I can't resist, "On our wedding day Livesy, on our wedding day we will know each other more than any soul can know another."

Aaron puts his finger in his mouth pretending to make himself sick and laughs at me, "Never gonna happen, the day you get me down the aisle will be the day the earth stands still."

I laugh because that sounds like a challenge; I like a challenge, "Yep, but when it starts up again you will be Livesy-Sugden....." We are always pushing each other for more, this is why I love Aaron; he pushes to see into every fibre of my being. Without realising it he already understands how I tick more than anyone else. The last person to understand me like this was Sarah.

.

It didn't take long to move everything, we don't have a lot of stuff to move, just what we had begged and borrowed, we hadn't got round to shopping or anything. Anyway Aaron wants to re-paint; apparently Kerry's taste isn't quite him, go figure! I remember the night I told him I had bought us somewhere of our own, Dan and Kerry had decided to move away and I had done a deal with the landlord who wanted to sell. With it being a cash deal it went through super quick. I had paid with my own money I might add, I hadn't been quite the kept man that everyone thought. When I was about to tell Aaron, I suddenly realised that maybe he wasn't ready to move in with me just yet. Typical me, acting before thinking things through, but he had said yes straight away. We were going to wait a bit before telling Chas, to try and prepare her, but Aaron couldn't hide his excitement and blabbed. 

After finishing up moving everything, we head up-to the pub to meet Vic. It's a good feeling to have our own space, just the two of us. Chas smiles at us as we walk into the pub, she has thawed to me gradually in the last few weeks as even she has to admit, she's never seen Aaron so happy and relaxed. Similarly it had taken everyone in the village a few days to get over the initial shock of me declaring my love for Aaron, people staring and conversations sometimes going hushed when I walked in somewhere, especially when I was with Aaron. However we are old news now, hot gossip being the upcoming wedding between Debbie and Pete who have just announced the date in July.

.

Life is just ticking along really, I am looking for a new job and Aaron splits his time between the scrapyard and helping Debbie out when she needs him. Ross is away in Portugal visiting Finn and with Dan leaving she is short staffed. Ross had left as soon as they announced the date for the wedding. Lawrence had pretty much got me blacklisted locally, but I've had interviews in Leeds and Manchester and have just got invited to a second interview for one of them so all in all things are good.

Home Farm is empty now and back on the market; even Lawrence realised there could never be any kind of a life for them here in the village, they had moved out almost immediately. I haven't seen any of them since, the only contact we have had is through solicitors. Chrissie has already started divorce proceedings, there aren't the right grounds to get the marriage annulled which is what we were hoping for. Legally we have to wait until we have been married for 1 year, but the paperwork is all straightforward as I have said I didn't want any money or anything from the marriage. I just want out of it and to minimise the fall out, so at least there won't be a court hearing when the time comes.

We were still being cautious though where the Whites were concerned. We had been expecting some kind of revenge, we would have been naive not to. We had discussed it at length and we are staying put, we're not leaving or hiding away. Emmerdale is our home and we have both done our fair share of running away over the years. The families couldn't help but be concerned, Cain had got his own sources and was worried; in the first couple of weeks between the Dingles, Sugdens and Bartons we were never left on our own or let far out of sight, just in case.

I have known Lawrence quite a few years now and during this time, I have seen and read things that make me very aware of what he is capable of. Neither Chrissie nor Lawrence were likely to take this kind of betrayal lying down. Chrissie at the end of the day is a product of her father and can be just as ruthless with the best of them, even that they could go so far as to put a hit on me, or both of us. But it's been several weeks since the split and it's stayed quiet on that front.

I suppose this is why we had started to drop our guard a little more as each week passed by; they had left and we were looking forward to our life together.

TBC


	8. Violent Caress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert blames himself completely for what happened, knowing it should be him in the psych unit, not Aaron. 
> 
> Robert is at his most extreme, he has always been a very sexually driven person; needing a way to cope, he actively allows that part of himself to be used as a way to punish himself. He embraces a much darker side of his nature. 
> 
> WARNING: Strong physical violence / rough sex / (self) degradation / self-loathing / self-harm / suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am posting Chapter 8 and 9 at the same time because they contrast Robert sexually. Both have strong sexual content albeit in very different, polar opposite, circumstances. So if you are not comfortable reading explicit gay sex scenes, then I advise you not to read any further.
> 
> This chapter is as I originally wrote it, I did think about toning it down some, although the violence is quite a small part of the chapter overall, some readers may find it uncomfortable. What I find interesting is having Robert turn to a part of himself you wouldn't ever normally see, but his need to be punished is so strong, he opens up this side of himself because it acts as a release mechanism for him to cope.
> 
> The story for the next few chapters gets much darker with some heavy emotional and trauma moments. The themes will be more explicit, both sexually and with physical violence. So if this is not your thing, best to stop reading now.

Robert - September 2015

I went that night at the end of July to the address I had found on the internet, no sign over the door or anything to indicate what was inside, just a doorway on a dark back-street. The only reason I knew it was the right place was because he had been waiting for me, leaning against the wall outside. The doormen just inside clearly knew him, nodding a silent recognition as they opened the inner door for us to enter. Once inside, although there were people around, they were all absorbed in their own needs; no-one was interested in us. He knew exactly where he was headed and I had felt strangely calm as I followed him into the darkness. I only had half an idea what to expect after reading peoples posts the night before. It was very clear each experience was individual and unique. I had been fascinated reading why they chose to do this and how they felt. I can't explain it, but something inside me told me it could somehow help me.

.

To this day I don't know his name, I don't need to. It's probably on average once a week that I see him. Sometimes I feel the need for his touch sooner, his violent caress, but my body needs the time in-between to recover so it's better it stays as it is. I don't get a say anyway, he dictates the when. 

I only met him at the address that once, since then we meet in a small house he uses that's well off the beaten track. I almost didn't find it the first time. It's in the middle of a small wood with only a dirt track leading to it once you get off the main road. It's at least a couple of miles, probably more, from the nearest building. He doesn't live there, it's not a home, there is even less furniture than my place. The first time there, I don't know if it was nerves and I needed a distraction to keep me from freaking out that this time I would be completely alone with him in the middle of no-where, but I was completely fascinated with the building.

There are four smallish rooms only, all on the ground level, with stone steps leading down off what would have been the kitchen to a cellar. It's like stepping back in time, with only cold running water and electrics that had seen better days. I was kind of surprised it even had electric; when you switch the lights on, the rooms were still only very dully lit. In the kitchen by the cellar steps there is an open hearth with the old fashioned high stone mantle. From the looks of it, this place hasn't been used as a real home for many years and then had belonged to a long gone generation. Albeit old and totally faded, nothing needed structurally fixing and it was immaculately tidy and clean.

.

Only once, at the end of that night in July, did we talk about how this would work; he told me what he wanted from me, I just had to say yes. He was very clear and insistent on the rules we agreed.

If at any time I wanted to stop, I simply wouldn't turn up and it would end without discussion, he would find someone else. If he wanted to move onto someone new, he wouldn't leave the note telling me when to next meet. In the event of either we would never have contact with each other again after that.

When I come to the house, once I walk through the door, it won't stop until he decides. He won't leave marks that I can't sensibly cover up. For sure no-one in the village would ever understand if they found out; how could they when I don't even understand it myself. Paying me was also part of the agreement, though I would have said yes without the money, but for him it wasn't a discussion point. I suppose that's part of whatever he needs for his own part in our arrangement.

Considering the obvious risks, I somehow trust him completely; I don't ever once feel unsafe with him, strangely it is just the opposite.

.

It's begun to rain again as I get out of the car, I pause, leaning against the car door for a moment. I don't have a coat with me as the temperature is really quite warm, especially for an early September day. I close my eyes tilting my head up letting the warm rain fall on my face, I feel the rain seeping through the cotton shirt to my skin, my hair now already quite wet. 

He is already waiting for me when I walk through the door and motions to me that I should come to him; as I get close enough he punches me in the stomach and then again in my side. After falling onto my knees he grabs my hair from behind pulling me backwards down towards the floor. My hands instinctively reach up and rest on his arms but I don't try and stop him, I don't fight back. He tells me to let go and spits in my face, then drags me backwards and down into the cellar.

I welcome the blows as he punches and kicks; he knows just how to measure it so it hurts like hell but not enough to break any bones. Each time we meet it is never the same, each time I feel a different release. Sometimes like today he likes to play really rough, sometimes though it is much more about control as he takes what he wants from me. Some things remain unchanged; the eye contact is almost constant and very intense. I have learned this a big part of the turn on for him, how I react to or against him and he likes to take his time with me, often taking several hours. 

When I am with him it's the only time I release the emotions I am desperately holding inside of me the rest of the week. Sometimes I cry, I can't help myself; I've no idea for what or whom I am crying for; myself? Aaron? Sometimes I beg him to hit me harder, to lead me further into the darkness; the one thing I need more than anything....., to be punished. Why did I get pulled out of the pub with nothing more than a bruise on the head and smoke inhalation; why couldn't that have been Aaron?

.

On the ground once more, I'm on my hands and knees, naked, as he forces himself inside me and I feel his hands tightening round my neck as he rides me without mercy. Everything blurs as he pounds me harder and harder until I can hardly breathe. I resist the natural urge to try and stop him, willing my arms to stay down as I feel myself drifting into unconsciousness. 

When I open my eyes he is already gone, I have no idea what he does or where he is when he is not with me and I don't care. I pick myself up and get dressed, my entire body is screaming at me in pain; it consumes me and I try to hold onto the pain as it works through me in waves. On the way out, I pick up my money which he has left on mantle shelf with the note when to next meet. He pays well and no matter how fucked up this is, we are both taking what we need from it. 

I get into the car exhausted and drive back to Emmerdale. On these days I don't visit Aaron.

Once home I have a shower and dry myself off. Glancing in the mirror, I see faint marks left from his hands around my neck; I will have to take more care than ever this next week until they fade to make sure that no-one sees. I fall into bed and close my eyes; it's the same routine every time. Its only on these days that I manage to sleep longer than a couple of hours. 

.

In bed I think about Aaron. I'm not sure even Aaron would understand this if he knew. I hadn't realised how desperate I was.... I suppose I still am.... otherwise why would I do this.

I had tried to kill myself a couple of days after the fire, after the full extent of what had happened was becoming clear, but I couldn't do it. I had tried so hard; standing there on the edge of the quarry just like Aaron had that night when I was trying to talk Andy down. The turmoil and guilt were weighing down on me and I was so very close to just stepping off. What stopped me in the end was the thought if he found a way to get through this and I wasn't there for him. I wouldn't be able to help him be strong; to tell him I love him and that I will never let him go, never let anyone hurt him ever again. So no....., I can't abandon him now, no matter what.

I loathed myself, I still do; I couldn't stand the guilt and the way people acted around me. Believe me they couldn't blame me any more than I blame myself. Less than a handful of the family and Paddy know the full truth, to the rest of the village they just know Aaron was hurt and same as me, had been left to die in the fire. Adam knows only because he overheard Cain and Moira talking at the farm; he hates me with a frightening intensity. He will keep it to himself though, he hasn't even told Vic, not out of any consideration for me, but to protect Aaron; none of my family know the truth.

.

If Aaron ever recovers, I will eventually tell him; I will admit to him how weak and fucked up I was; that as each week passed this was the only way I could make it through another without him by my side. We had made a pact back in April we would never lie or hide anything from each other. So whatever the consequences, I won't break my word, even if he can never understand, never forgive me. It wouldn't matter, just to have the chance to tell him would be amazing. I would give anything for him to find a way to feel alive again.

TBC


	9. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron spend the first night together in their new home.

Robert - June 2015

Aaron is laughing at me, "Can't you find the hole old man, do you need some help?" He watches me farting around trying to get the key into the keyhole, having just got back home from the pub.

I retort, becoming mildly irritated with him, "It's nothing to do with being old, which I am not by the way; I can't see in this darkness as some muppet forgot to change the outside light bulb and the grease monkey with me won't stop distracting me."

Standing behind me Aaron has his hands on my hips and starts to slowly rub himself against me, whispering into my ear, "First night in our own home." I smile hearing the anticipation in his voice and after finally managing to get the door open I turn and grab around his waist with both hands, almost lifting him off the ground; holding him close to me I’m already kissing his neck. We stumble through the door together and I push him backwards until he is sitting on the lower steps of the staircase. He lies back and I move to hover over him, holding myself above him with my arms and teasing him with my body. 

My hands are pinning his either side on the step just above his head as I first kiss his forehead then either side of his neck before kissing him deeply on the mouth, his wet tongue playing with mine. I keep him pinned down a little while longer and can see Aaron's eyes dancing playfully as he pushes his body up towards mine but I frustrate him, controlling the distance between us. 

Sitting back on my heels, I drag his coat off him, impatiently pulling his t-shirt off over his head then start to kiss from his neck down. My tongue lingers a little, tracing the scars on his stomach before continuing down to just above the top of his jeans. This just makes him arches up towards me even more, his head falling backwards whilst closing his eyes and I hear him let out a moan of pleasure. I know he is so hard already, but I don't touch him there yet, I want to make him wait. Tonight I am going to drive Aaron Livesy wild until he completely surrenders to me.

.

We never had really fully settled into who was bottom and who was top. In the beginning it had so often changed depending on who was angry at whom the most and as we fought for dominance we often found ourselves switching. We are both very intense lovers, the experience all-consuming and very exhausting.

Odd really, Aaron might have been the openly gay one in this relationship, but I had still been able to teach him a few things; he had been quite shy about his own body and mine in the beginning. Until he met me, I don't think ever had he been with someone having so few inhibitions; he is one quick learner though.

.

Grabbing my hand, we practically run up the stairs, stopping when we get to the top as he rips off my coat and shirt, throwing them down the stairs below us. I spin him round so he is facing the wall, holding his left arm behind his back whilst my other hand teases down the front of his jeans, probing a little further each time I reach down with my fingers, but not too far. Turning him round, still holding his hand behind his back, I push him hard against the wall, his body writhing against mine as we kiss passionately. I love the taste of his body and my mouth moves down so I can play with his left nipple, licking, kissing and gently biting before moving down his stomach and then back up to his nipple once more. His hands are now both holding onto my head trying to push me to continue lower down, but I resist. Our bodies are so close all the time; unable to get enough of each other, we push against each other and kiss frantically. I have never been more turned on by him than tonight.

We somehow make it into the bedroom, both kicking socks and shoes off which fly in all directions. I push him onto the bed so he is kneeling, leaning back resting on his elbows as I kiss through his jeans. He watches me intensely as I slowly open the buttons of his jeans and take him fully into my mouth; first moving up and down the shaft a few times, then slowly teasing his head. He is breathing heavily and moaning, bouncing his body upwards trying to push deeper into me. I kiss his stomach once more, slowly working my way up his chest and then pull him up so we are both kneeling facing each other where I cup the back of his neck with my hands pulling him to me so we can continue kissing.

.

I pull off his jeans and underwear then take mine off quickly. He turns onto his front and I put him in a position so I can slide my tongue in to taste his hole, not quite pushing inside, just teasing the outside. Aaron is moaning, needy for more, "Oh god, fuck, oh god, don't stop." It's unbelievable how sensitive he is here. 

After a while I push him down onto his front and lie on my side next to him, my hand gently gliding down his back. He is so responsive to my every touch now as I stroke his skin with my hand working its way below the small of his back. I gently push two fingers inside him and start to play. I always love that first moment when I push my fingers inside, the way his body jerks intensely. He lets out a gasp burying his face into the duvet, biting down onto the covers, his fingers gripping on for dear life from the the intensity of that first stab of pain until he gets used to the sensation and starts to relax; all the while I softly kiss all over his back.

My fingers still inside him, I coax his body over so he is on his back and I find the spot that now drives him wild, beginning to stroke him at the same time. Aaron is raging hard, his pre-cum running onto my hand; he is moaning so loudly now I worry the neighbours will start to bang on the wall, his body arching up and falling back down as I keep him permanently on the edge. I can see him trying to cope with the sensations running through his body. It feels like he is almost coming over and over again; wave after wave. This is the closest I will get him to feel what it is like to experience multiple orgasms but without actually coming as I play with his prostate. I watch him carefully as he gets closer to the line where he would move from wildly turned on to very pissed off. 

His breathing is so heavy as he tries to reach for me, but I brush his hand away. I want this first time in our own home to be all about Aaron, I will get my pleasure from him later. I ease my fingers out and quickly grabbing a condom I roll it onto my dick which despite having been given no attention has been rock hard since we started on the staircase. I turn back to Aaron, pull him onto his side and slide up inside him holding his leg out at an angle. I hit a steady rhythm, fucking him deep and quickly find just the right angle so I am hitting that spot again, all the while stroking him with my hand. I am smiling as I kiss his neck; he has his arm wrapped back around my head holding it close into his, he is now completely mine. 

Our bodies move perfectly together and I can tell he is very close to losing control; he’s pushing back into me harder and quicker, making sure I fill as much of him as possible. He keeps repeating, "Fuck" over and over and when he finally surrenders, he shudders, his body straining as the orgasm takes control. Aaron grips onto the bed sheets so tight whilst I milk every single drop from him.

For once I'm able to continue stroking him gently for quite a while afterwards; sometimes he pushes my hand away when he stays too sensitive, but not tonight. I hold his hand and hug him tight, wrapping my legs over his; our bodies are glistening with sweat and my dick still inside him. We lie like this close together; still too out of breath to talk instead I nuzzle into his neck, just every now and then kissing him. When our breath is recovered I can't resist whispering to him, "I take it I found that hole okay?" With an exhausted laugh Aaron tips his head back to look at me, he’s unable to speak just quite yet and smiling at him I kiss him on the mouth, "That was just for starters...." 

.

I lay back dozing, smiling to myself like a schoolboy on Christmas Day. We had made love to each other all night; teasing and pleasing with enough heavy breathing to make a porn star proud. We had both lost complete control again and again. I had set out to make Aaron feel how special he is to me; I had wanted to focus on him all night, but for him that means giving as much as taking. I was definitely not going to complain, Aaron gives the best head I have ever experienced.

Aaron had been to make some tea and returns to the bedroom carrying two steaming mugs. I roll onto my front as he gets back into bed and I lie there watching him as he leans over to start kissing the small of my back, on occasion playfully biting. He’d already texted Adam to say he would be in late today; somehow I have a feeling Aaron won't make it in at all as he now moves to sit on my lower back and start running his hands up and down my sides whilst quietly laughing, "Your love handles so turn me on Sugden."

Here we go again and I respond with a fake indignation, "I do not have love handles." Aaron just continues to laugh at me; he loves to wind me up. I turn over suddenly, moving him so he is now underneath me, "Right you, my little grease monkey, you are so going to pay for that."

TBC


	10. Catatonic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's August, Aaron has been diagnosed as having a type of catatonic depression, an extreme form of withdrawal induced by trauma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 10 to 13  
> I have delayed revealing what happened to Aaron intentionally, partly because this is just how it played out in my head and partly I find it more interesting seeing the boys in a happy relationship, then the contrast with how what happened impacted those closest to him, Robert primarily but also Chas, Paddy and Cain, which you see more of in this chapter. But if the timeline changes annoy you, then read chapter 11-13 first and come back to this. This is the last playing with the timeline.
> 
> Also, a reminder to say I have zero medical knowledge, I have no experiences, personal or through friends to draw from on anything related to what happened, diagnosis or treatment afterwards. I did a little digging on the internet to get some basics on catatonia. So please forgive and ignore the inaccuracies relating to any of these issues, or if I describe something that wouldn't ever happen in real life. No offence or distress is intended in this or any of the following chapters.
> 
> ECT = electroconvulsive therapy

Robert - August 2015

We're in the family counselling suite of the in-patient hospital where Aaron has been since being admitted at the end of July, waiting to meet with the ward doctor and consultant psychiatrist. Paddy is sitting next to me, lost in his own thoughts and Chas is standing by the window staring down into the hospital gardens; I'm not used to seeing her so quiet and subdued, its unnerving. We've had several progress reviews now and we always come together; the staff had soon realised we come as a package deal as far as anything to do with Aaron is concerned. 

I always find it hard to concentrate in the review sessions; I get caught up in the words, my mind wandering thinking about Aaron and then miss most of what they are actually saying. I hear Chas agitatedly asking the consultant, "So what does that actually mean then?"

"The initial treatment of Benzodiazepines isn't working as we had hoped, but don't worry, that isn't a cause for concern at this stage, every case is individual. Considering his history, it isn't surprising that the trauma has had a deep effect on Aaron's more fragile coping mechanisms, it was simply too much for him to process." Hearing this makes me feel angry inside, I am not sure whether I am angry about what he said, because Aaron is the strongest person I know or am I angry because I know it's my fault he is in here and that I wasn't able to protect him. I know they are trying to help him recover, it's just so frustrating. All I know is Aaron has locked himself away in his head and his body and I want him back. 

I force myself to try and focus on the discussion and what it all means. The psychiatrist continues to explain that he still has every chance of making a complete recovery, "It will just take time to exhaust all investigation to find the right treatment, it's important to stay positive." We are talking through the 'next steps' they want to take. Aaron's condition is so acute, they want to add a second-line of treatment, a course of ECT. As Aaron doesn't have the capacity to consent, this has been formally given by the doctor already but as his family and carers, he's going to need us, so it's important that we understand and support the decision. Chas looks at me and I can tell she is unsure. This is scaring the shit out of both us and we are both finding it overwhelming. 

.

We went to see Aaron in the lounge afterwards, but it felt awkward and strange all three of us being there together at the same time, we normally visit separately. We didn't stay long and have come out into the hospital garden, the sun and fresh air feels good. Paddy is comforting Chas who is quite distressed, her and me both really, neither of us are too sure how to feel about this. Paddy's been amazing, he's been like this relentless machine since Aaron's diagnosis, researching non-stop. He is the one out of all of us who has remained completely focussed whilst the rest of us just seem lost. He never doubts that Aaron will recover and I envy him his conviction, I don't know where he gets his strength from.

Paddy is saying he thinks it is the right decision, he'd already thought this was likely after there had been almost no reaction to the drug therapy. He said it's supposed to be the most effective treatment and that it's totally safe these days. The consultant had been talking about 'significant morbidity and mortality' which didn't really translate for me and Chas, but Paddy is saying essentially it could save his life. 

Chas looks at me to see what I think and I nod my head silently. We both know that Paddy loves Aaron like he is his own son and he wouldn't support anything unless he completely felt it is the right thing to do. At the end of the day, I struggle to see how much worse it could make it. 

We have to come back tomorrow for our first ECT teaching, some kind of pre-treatment support sessions for us and Aaron. I suppose I was a little surprised about that, but they said although he might not outwardly give any indication that he hears what people are saying, just because we don't see it, doesn't mean he's not aware. I had struggled earlier to stop myself from crying when they had talked about developing a recovery care plan which doesn't make any sense because it should help me focus on him getting better; but what if it doesn't work? I can't bear to think about the alternative. They had said we could even think about being present during the ECT sessions; even though he would be under general anaesthetic I know now that I can't. So far we have all said no, even Paddy. 

.

Chas - August 2015

Diane puts a mug of tea down on the coffee table and sits down, "So how did it go?"

"I don't know Diane, I should be feeling positive, but it's hard." I tell her about the discussion with the consultants and we look at re-organising the work rota to fit around all the support and therapy sessions.

"How was Robert?" I don't really know is the honest answer. Apart from coming with us to the review sessions, no-one hardly sees him; he has slowly shut himself off from everyone including even Diane and Vic, "Quiet as usual, he didn't say much." I had finally seen for myself how much in love and happy they were and I feel ashamed for wishing that it's Robert in the hospital and not Aaron. I wouldn't intentionally want anyone to go through this. It's just that I feel so useless all the time, it's all such a mess; the pub is all but destroyed, our home and everything in it gone. I am not sure even when it is re-built if I will ever be able to go in there again, but I can't think about that now; the only thing that matters now is Aaron and getting him well again, to be able to bring him home.

I know Robert is hurting just as much as the rest of us, outwardly he hardly shows any emotion now. He had looked upset though today, despite doing his best to hide it. I am not sure if this was the other way round just how Aaron would cope, but my son has surprised me in the past with just how strong he can be. That in itself gives me some comfort; my son is a fighter, if anyone can survive it is him. "You know Cain had another go at him the other day in the village?" Diane nods as I continue, "I heard Ross and Andy had to pull him off him."

Diane looks at me sadly, "I went round to the house as soon as I found out, but either he wasn't in or he wouldn't open the door. He won't open up to us, none of us. It can't be good Chas, to bottle up his emotions like this; I've never seen him so closed off before."

. 

Cain doesn't understand how Paddy and I can stand to be around Robert; he would have killed him already back in July if we hadn't managed to talk him down for Aaron's sake. He knows deep in his heart that Aaron and Robert love each other very much but he can't see past the fact that he believes beyond doubt that this all happened because of the Whites, out for their revenge. He needed someone to blame and as the Whites or those responsible are no-where to be found then that someone is Robert. 

Cain is finding it too hard to even visit since Aaron was moved from the main hospital ward, which makes him feel even worse. He just can't bear to see Aaron like this; it's too heart-breaking. Cain acts the hard man, but he and Aaron always had this odd bond between them. Both of them are as bad as each other, hiding behind their facade of jibes and sarcasm, but I have seen over the years how protective they are of each, albeit in their own clumsy ways. 

When I look at Robert, it's obvious he is feeling as dead to the world as Aaron appears. We are each carrying our own burden of guilt that we couldn't protect him and no matter how much we try not to, it is onto Robert that we project the blame. He never once pushes back, sometimes that scares me; not that I am scared of him, but for him.

.

It's a nice day today and I find Aaron sitting out in the gardens, in his usual spot when he is outside. The nurses say he seems to like being outside more than in, I'm not sure how they can tell though. At first glance he looks as though he is resting peacefully, my beautiful boy. He looks so calm and contented from this distance but when I get closer I recognise the ever vacant look on his face, staring into space. I'm just about to say his name when I see the traces of bruising on his arms and neck and I have to turn away quickly to hide the tears, needing a moment with my back to him to brush them away with my sleeve. I feel like I would be letting him down if he sees me like this. It's stupid I know, especially as I have no idea if he is even aware I am here. You'd think by now I would have run out of tears, but apparently not just yet.

I want to touch him, hold his hand, hold him in my arms to try and get across to him somehow that we are there for him, that I am there for him, but we learned very quickly this was no longer possible when he first came round in the hospital. He had gone from a totally calm unresponsive state to screaming the moment you touched him. It was so horrific that first time as we watched him, lashing out to try and hurt himself and anyone near him, fighting everyone as they tried to calm him down. They had to sedate him in the end and sometimes he was strapped to the bed to stop him hurting himself when he was awake. I lost it with the doctors several times, but I couldn't run away from the fact that this is how it needed to be for his own protection; it was very scary the speed he went from one state to another.

Since being on the drug therapy he's done this less, but he is very unpredictable and when we visit we take care to not touch him. Even now for the most part he doesn't move, he is almost completely unresponsive to everything around him, he doesn't talk at all. I remember in the beginning he even refused to eat, but that seems to have stopped now.

Things have settled into a fairly predictable pattern since he had moved to the in-patient hospital. The nurses have found their own methods to coax him to move and eat; I don't envy them their job, I don't know how they do it. It makes me think of Jackson and how Hazel must have felt, helpless I suppose, just as I feel now. At least if....., no, when Aaron recovers he should be able to live a pretty normal life, physically anyway; I can't even start to think about how he might not cope mentally. I must stop thinking about that, because each time I just want to cry again. 

For the next couple of hours I sit with him and tell him all about the recent goings on in the village and how Leo is running rings round Paddy, sometimes I think this time actually helps me more than Aaron. Looking at my watch I see it's time to get back and get up to leave. I kiss my fingers and turn them towards Aaron to somehow transfer the kiss to him, holding my hand as close as I dare to him, "See ya tomorrow kiddo." He doesn't react and my heart breaks the same as every other visit.

.

I am running really late tonight, I usually come in the afternoon but we had the assessors round again at the pub and it took a lot longer than I thought it would. Robert always comes at night; he likes to be on his own with him. I know that he stays sometimes, I have no idea how he managed to swing that one. I'm pretty sure it is against the rules, but I take comfort that they are together, as much for Robert as Aaron.

Well, Robert will just have to share tonight I think to myself as I wander into the lounge, but they are not there. One of the nursing staff notices me and tells me they are in the reading room. I go down the corridor and put my head round the door to see Robert sitting with Aaron and that they are the only ones in there. I was about to walk in, Aaron looks to be in his usual state of withdrawal but then what I see makes me stop and stare as I realise that Robert is holding Aaron's hand. He is sat on the floor down by the side of Aaron's chair, his head resting against Aaron's knee. It looks like he is reading a book to him.

After watching them a little while I decide to leave. I'm not sure if I feel happy or sad. I mean I am happy and it's progress that Aaron lets someone touch him like this for so long without creating a scene, but I'm kind of sad that it's not me. Although I constantly struggle not to blame Robert, I sense that without him Aaron might never find a way back to us. 

TBC


	11. I Love A Good Wedding, Don't You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's mid July, the day of Pete and Debbie's wedding

Robert - Pete and Debbie's wedding day, July 2015

Hearing Aaron come out of the shower I stick my head round the bathroom door, "Hey, which suit are you wearing?"

"The same one as usual, unlike you I only have two; one for weddings, the other for court and funerals," Aaron is grinning at me, his hair still dripping wet.

I shake my head at him, I do despair sometimes. "Well at least I bought you a new tie."

"What's wrong with the others?" According to Aaron I think way to much about looks and what I wear. Aaron looks amazing in a suit, I see it so seldom that every time it takes my breath away, he looks so different from when he is in his scruffy overalls and jeans.

"Well, can't have you letting the side down now can I and anyway it's perfect for you, it will bring the colour out in your eyes." At this point Aaron gives me that look to say he thinks I'm doolally, "What? I can't help it if I find you sexy in a suit and tie."

Aaron walks into the bedroom after getting dressed, now wearing his blue suit, "Robert you do realise it's just Pete and Debbie getting hitched at the registry office in Leeds not a royal wedding?" I walk up-to him, put my arms around his waist and we kiss, I can still taste the toothpaste in his mouth. 

I lift up his shirt collar and start to put his tie on for him, he always makes a hash of it when he does it himself, "You'll have to get a new suit when we get married, you won't get a say then, you do realise that right?" 

"Told you Sugden, you won't ever be getting me down a church aisle, I don't need a piece of paper or anyone else for that matter to tell me how much I love you." 

After straightening his tie I take a moment to lose myself in his crystal clear blue eyes, "One day; one day I will change your mind. Now go on, get out of here and go help Chas otherwise I won't be able to resist and will just have to undress and ravish you all over."

I get a final quick kiss and a cheeky smile, his eyes sparkling with amusement, "Meet you over in the pub in a bit."

.

I finish putting on my own tie and try to get my hair to stay where I want it to but not really succeeding so I give up and head downstairs, stopping to look at a photo of us on the side by the door. Vic had caught us unawares snapping it with her phone in the pub one night and I have got into the habit of always looking at it on my way out, it just makes me smile.

The village seems completely deserted as I make my way up-to the pub and when I walk in Diane is just putting her coat on; Aaron is stood next to her with a pint already, typical. "What can I do?"

"It's all done, except the flippin' brewery were supposed to deliver yesterday but there was a mix up and they're still not here yet. They called, some accident on the A1, they should have been here an hour ago. Chas already headed off earlier with Vic and everyone else. Aaron has kindly offered to stay until they come and then you guys follow on after; you know how I enjoy weddings."

I smirk and look over at Aaron; he's not a fan of weddings at the best of times, "Did he now."

"You don't mind do you?" I shake my head, grinning, "Not at all, I am sure we can find something to do whilst we wait."

Diane gives me a wry smile, "I bet you can. Just don't let Aaron start digging into the food, it would be nice to have some left for the wedding guests when we get back."

"Don't know what you mean." Aaron raises his hands in mock offense and Diane throws a knowing look back at him as she leaves us to our own devices.

.

Having signed for the delivery and the brewery truck now on its way again, Aaron is locking the front door of the pub. Walking back in he leans against the bar whilst I'm the other side just finishing off cleaning the last of the champagne glasses and setting them out nicely; I hate smudgy champagne glasses, "You ready?"

I'm just about to pick up the car keys when he stops me by putting his hand over mine; he has that look in his eyes, "You know we don't have to go to the wedding, we can just tell them the brewery turned up too late." 

I had been joking earlier to Diane, but he leans over the bar towards me and I put my elbows on the bar top, resting my chin in my hands just in front of him; our faces are almost touching but not quite. "Mr Livesy, are you trying to proposition me?"

He leans all the way and kisses me, "Me, no; never."

I kiss him back, smirking, "Let me just go lock the back door, wouldn't want anyone to walk in on us now would we." However, after turning round my face drops as I'm stopped in my tracks by two men appearing in the doorway.

.

"The door was open, such an opportune moment so we thought we'd call in and say hello." It's said in such an everyday friendly sort of way but it's clear it's anything but. I take a step back and look round at Aaron to see him stationary; he has a guy stood either side of him, one of whom has a baseball bat. They must have come in through the side door into the main bar area; we had never even noticed them we had been so caught up in each other.

A fifth one comes in, leaning against the doorframe, his smile is unnerving. "It's all clear and locked up, no-one will be disturbing us anytime soon." 

I realise one of them by me also has a baseball bat and I edge backwards until there's nowhere left to go, "Take what you want, there's just the money in the till, nothing else, take it all." I try to keep my voice calm, though I don't for one minute believe this is what they are here for; there's no mistaking there's something quietly menacing about them. I glance back at Aaron again, the two guys close to him; they aren't touching him but are moving him over to one of the tables. He sits down on a chair with his fists clenched, but he doesn't say anything. None of them have masks on which means they aren't bothered that we could identify them; Aaron looks at me and we both know this isn't good. I see his mobile laying on the far side of the bar out of reach and think shit, mine is back at the house, I had forgotten to charge it so left it there.

The older man, I don't know, late fifties, seems like he's the one in charge, comes and stands casually against the bar, picking up a canapé off a tray from under the cling film and eats it. "And why would you think I want money Mr Sugden?" Looking around the pub he takes his time as he sits down on one of the bar stools smiling. He looks over to me, "Well isn't this all nice and cosy?" There's a pause whilst he chooses another canapé. "I love a good wedding, don't you?" Eating it he then looks back to me once more, continuing, "Such happy occasions, two people committing themselves to each other, till death us do part and all that." It's now he pulls out a handgun, placing it on the bar and I dart a glance at Aaron.

The guy stood nearest to me puts the baseball bat close to my head, encouraging me to move and then jabs it in my back, using it to guide me round the other side of the bar to sit at a table not far from Aaron, "What do you want, did Chrissie and Lawrence hire you?"

"No idea who you are talking about, don't know any Chrissie or Lawrence, how about you guys?" There's a playful edge to his voice in how he says this to the others; they don't respond, there's just a few quiet laughs and a slight shaking of the head.

"So romantic, till death us do part, don't you think, vowing to be faithful to someone all your life. You seem to have found such domestic bliss, though not with your wife I see." The man smirks at me, then looks at Aaron whilst tipping his head back in my direction, "Not sure what you see in him though, what with his track record. Let's see, moderately good looking I suppose, but then there's the cheating, obviously....; blackmail, robbery, intimidation, almost getting people killed and who knows what else. Hardly good husband material is he."

"Let him go, it's me you want, just let him go, please. I am sure we can find a way to sort this out."

He looks back at me, his eyes piercing into mine, challenging, "Yeah, what could you possibly have to offer me Mr Sugden?" I suddenly feel a chill, the panic rising inside. There's no way I can compete with whatever the Whites could pay, even if I sold the house and cashed in everything I have. This guy is seriously unnerving me, it almost seems like he is enjoying himself. "It's not as though lover boy here was an innocent pawn in your games, what with knowing about little wifey all that time, burglary, threatening behaviour....; I could go on, but what would be the point?" He shrugs turning again to look at Aaron and it makes me feel sick how he's looking at him. 

Aaron finally says something, "What do you want?" His body is tensed and I see his eyes darting around, same as mine, looking for anything to hand that we could use to try and escape somehow.

The man counters with a question of his own, a sadistic amusement audible in his voice, "What are you offering?" Moving away from the bar he pulls up a chair, sitting close in behind Aaron. 

I don't wait for Aaron to respond, "We don't have anything." I try and get up, but half way am pushed roughly back down into the chair.

He looks directly at me, putting his hand onto Aaron's left shoulder whilst pressing the gun on the other side against Aaron's neck, "I wouldn't be so sure about that Mr Sugden."

"I hear you like games Mr Sugden, what would you be prepared to do to save the young fella here?" I stay quiet, I don't know what to say and I'm frightened whatever I say will make things worse. "What Mr Sugden, cat got your tongue; don't you want to play when it's not your game?" 

My response is quiet, "Anything." I look into Aaron's eyes full of fear, "I'll do anything," I have never been so afraid in my entire life. 

"Ahh, that's what I thought; people have a habit of coming round to my way of thinking but let's not kid ourselves. I mean we both know neither of you are going to stay alive long enough to enjoy the party, what with both dying in such a tragic fire." My panic is overwhelming as he looks wistfully at the buffet spread, "Such a shame what with all this lovely food." Getting up he comes to sit in front of me, he still has the gun in his hand which is pointing unnervingly at my crotch. He rests his hands on my knees, "You know, I don't normally accept to do jobs like this but when an old friend, from the past shall we say, asks for a special favour, well I could hardly say no and I do have a reputation for taking what I want and enjoying myself on such rare occasions as these." One of the guys stood behind me grabs my arms pinning them behind the chair back and I tense up unsure what to expect.

However, when I suddenly hear Aaron move, although I can't fully see him, I don't hesitate and bring my leg up, kicking out as hard as I can. I push the guy and his chair backwards with my foot whilst with the momentum I somehow manage to pull my arms free. Standing up, I spin round and head-butt the guy that was behind me, all I can think about is that I need to get hold of the gun when suddenly everything goes dark.

.

The man picks himself up off the floor and stands the chair back up. Aaron is lying on the floor on his back, his hands trying without success to push away one of the men's foot pinned down hard against his neck and face. At the same time another of them is pressing a baseball into Aaron's stomach.

Crouching down by Aaron, who is struggling for breath, the man smiles sadistically, "Well I was hoping to spend some quality time with both of you, lighting a little fire of our own before the real thing, if you get my meaning. I suppose we'll just have to have twice the fun with you won't we, it would be a shame not to take advantage of the moment." He glances over at Robert who is unconscious in a heap on the floor after being hit hard over the head with a baseball bat. His smile broadens as he looks back down at Aaron, "I'm sure he won't mind sharing, it seems like you're the feisty one anyway; just how we like it."

He motions to one of his men, nodding at Robert's motionless body, "Lock him out of the way in one of the cellars, we'll come back to him later." 

TBC


	12. To Take a Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Robert's unmoving body is dragged out from the bar, Aaron is left alone with the men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter describes non-consensual sex and physical violence. Move to Chapter 13 if you do not wish to read further.

Pete and Debbie's wedding day, July 2015

Aaron is dragged up from the floor, hardly able to stand and still trying to catch his breath after the weight of the foot was lifted away from his neck. Two of the men are either side of him holding him up, gripping his arms tightly as he tries to struggle free all the while glaring defiantly at the older man who is now standing in front of him. He now has a knife in his hand with one of the others holding the gun instead, nice and relaxed on the chair where Robert had been sitting. The thought suddenly occurs to Aaron, what if Robert's dead, they didn't even look for a pulse; but before he can consider this further, his attention is quickly ripped back to the man stood in front of him.

He is smiling in anticipation, stood close in as he runs the blade of the knife down Aaron's right cheek, not piercing the skin, but trying to intimidate him. Aaron jerks his head back trying get away from the knife, but he just grabs at Aaron by his hair instead, forcing his head to stay straight whilst pressing the blade against his face then slowly moving it down into his neck. He finds the control intoxicating as he stares at Aaron, seeing his eyes wild with fear and too scared by the touch of the blade to say anything.

.

Suddenly the knife is pulled away. Aaron does his best to resist as they start to manhandle him, pulling at his clothes and he kicks and fights with every ounce of energy he has unable to stop them removing his jacket, shirt and tie. He manages to land a kick in one of their groins but receives a heavy backhander across his face and a punch in the stomach causing him to half fall to the ground through the weight of it whilst gasping for breath.

He is quickly dragged upright once more, this time being held by just one of them, but he is big and very strong and has Aaron's arm bent up behind his back at an acute and painful angle. Once more the knife is being held against his throat with the man holding him so close that he can feel his breath on his neck, his breathing a little heavier than normal after the exertion of getting Aaron back under control. The knife is digging in more sharply than before and he feels the trickle of warm blood as the blade pierces his skin. Using his free hand Aaron is grabbing to try and pull away the hand holding the knife to his throat, but it is iron fast and as one of the other men grabs hold, he is prevented from moving it further.

The older man in front of him is laughing quietly again, he traces his fingers over the scars on Aaron's stomach, smiling. "I see you are no stranger to sharp blades, hey?"

Aaron feels his breathing accelerating as his eyes constantly look about him for a way to escape, "Don't touch me you sick fucker." He practically spits the words out, his voice defiant all the while trying desperately to steady his breathing and not to panic.

The man starts to undo Aaron's belt and he starts to tremble as he feels the man slowly slide the belt from around his waist, laying it on the table next to them; he tries to struggle free but the grip holding him is vice-like. He unbuttons the top of Aaron's trousers and pulls the zip down, watching closely he sees Aaron's already acute fear rise even further as his hand hovers over his crotch. Without realising it, Aaron starts to beg quietly, "No, no, please no." He repeats it over and over as he starts to fully comprehend what is going to happen, a tear escaping down his cheek.

.

With one swift movement, Aaron is forced over the table to their left; he feels heavy hands holding him down and he tries as hard as he can to fight back. He starts to scream, he screams Robert's name, crying out for help as he feels the rest of his clothes being forcibly removed. They hold him down fast so he can't hardly move and then push a cloth bar runner into his mouth to quieten him; he can even taste the stale beer as he bites down on it. He continues to scream with his sounds now muffled and is fighting for all he is worth, gagging from the bar runner stuffed in his mouth. Then Aaron's body suddenly holds still a moment, his voice quiet as he realises the man leaning over him from behind is stroking his hair gently telling him to shush, just as you would to lull a crying child to sleep. Aaron's eyes are wide open with horror as he feels the first stab of penetration and he starts to scream once more.

.

Aaron is slowly losing sense of time and place by the time he feels the second man mount him. He has switched from fighting to trying to defend himself, but it makes no difference with strong hands holding him firmly in place over the table. Tears are streaming down his face, his body straining, wracked in pain from the weight of being held down and the force of the person using him. His eyes are closed as if this would make it all go away, his moans from the pain hardly audible through the gag; his body is becoming exhausted from the violation and the effort of trying to protect himself.

.

Although the bar runner was still in his mouth Aaron had now stopped trying to scream, stopped resisting. He feels nothing other than coldness; his body now limp, motionless except for the movement caused by his third and fourth attackers; he no longer registered the pain or physical sensation from the person on top of him. If anything, they have to hold him more now to keep him in place to stop him falling down rather than to stop him trying to get away. Aaron's eyes are open but vacant; the shock of the physical and emotional trauma seemingly detaching his consciousness from his bruised and battered body.

TBC


	13. Smoke and Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the wedding party return, they find the pub engulfed in flames with Robert and Aaron trapped inside

Pete and Debbie's wedding day, July 2015 

A phone rings and is answered, "Boss they are getting ready to leave already, there was a no-show so they started sooner than expected."

Disappointed the man looks up from the pub fireside chair where he is sitting and watching, "Oh well, that's that then, no time for the other one then; such a shame but can't be helped." He gestures to Aaron now unconscious on the floor, "Sort this place out will you, get him out of sight; we wouldn't want them to stumble across him too quickly. Oh and get his clothes and shoes back on him, it'll look suspicious otherwise though if you do your jobs right there will be nothing other than charred bones left to find. Light it up boys; I want this place raised to the ground by the time our dearly beloved get back."

The man watches as they dress Aaron. Although not the most unusual job he has ever been contracted to do, it was most definitely well outside the norm. He'd had to pick a very unique group to do what was requested, but it's always rewarding to find people who derive such twisted pleasure from their work. He had known the contractor a very long time from old and knew him very well; he had an acute understanding, first hand let's say, of what it takes to break a man's soul. He had been clear that he wanted them both to see each other suffer in this way before they died. He had been very specific about this also, he wants them to burn. Ah well, although not quite to the original plan he muses, when circumstances dictate, needs must.

He gets up to go check the progress of the others whilst Aaron is being carried out into the back corridor. Opening the door down to the cellar the men half kicked, half pushed with their feet so his motionless body tumbles down to the bottom of the steps as they lock the door.

.

The men clean the bar of prints and footprints, removing any evidence they were ever there and then start to smash the optics behind the bar, throwing some of the towels in a heap on the floor. Taking some of the brandy bottles, they start setting a liquid trail out back into the corridor, splashing the dark liquid up against the cellar door on the way past and then moving upstairs. They do the same in the bar focussing a little more around the area where they had been with Aaron then onwards into the kitchen where they open up the gas taps. 

With one last look around, the man pulls out a match from the box in his hand, strikes it and then lets it fall to the ground where the fire takes hold immediately. The flames spread quickly following the trails of alcohol but he's already closing the back door letting the latch fall and they disappear without trace.

.

Robert - Pete and Debbie's wedding day, July 2015

Opening my eyes I can't work out why my head is hurting so much then as I realise I am lying on a hard stone floor, I remember, events from earlier flooding into my mind. I call out for Aaron but there's no response. I try sitting up but the pain searing through my head quickly forces me to lie back down again and close my eyes. Raising my hand to tentatively touch the back of my head I feel the stickiness of half dried blood whilst muttering to myself, "Where the hell am I?" At least they hadn't tied me up, I suppose I should be thankful for small mercies.

Well wherever I am, I need to find a way out. It's an effort to focus but I manage to work out that I'm in one of the cellar rooms having felt around me a little and my hand found a stack of crates. I'm trying to remember if the light switch is inside or outside the cellar door, I hardly ever come down here. My eyes are slowly beginning to adjust to the darkness, there's just a fragment of light coming through some narrow slit windows which are close to ceiling on the far wall, but it's still very dark.

I slowly roll over onto my hands and knees but my vision blurs from the movement making me feel physically sick and I almost vomit; after holding still a moment the feeling subsides and I force myself to try again. After peering into the darkness to try and get some kind of bearing, despite my head pounding, I start to crawl over in what I think is the general direction of the steps but decide to have a go at standing which I manage but I have to pause and steady myself an instant. Leaning against some stacked crates I push to the back of my mind the overwhelming desire to be sick; I ignore the screaming in my head that I should just lie down and close my eyes and head once more in the direction of the cellar steps.

.

Thinking I should almost be there by now, I suddenly stumble after hitting something with my foot and bend down to feel what it is; I quickly realise it's Aaron and kneel down beside him, shaking him gently, saying his name as I turn him over. My hands finding his face, "Aaron, wake up; Aaron, please wake up." I stop talking to him upon hearing a sudden cracking of wood and I smell smoke; it's coming towards us through the slim gaps around cellar door and I start to panic once more.

I find my way up the cellar steps as quick as I can and start banging on the door, yelling to try and attract attention, pushing with all my weight to open it, but it doesn't give. My hand burns when I try the metal handle and stumble back down a step as flames suddenly emerge through the cracks between the door and the doorframe. They almost catch me in their wake as they rush forward, starting to creep down the handrail and I can only watch in horror as the flames reach upwards, taking hold across the ceiling.

Turning round I rush back to the bottom of the stairs; already the doorway and the top of the steps where I had been are a sea of flames. The fire is moving fast and with an incredible intensity, there's no way we can go out that way, we would never make it. Panicking I grab Aaron, haul him up over my shoulder and carry him to the far side of the cellar as far away from the flames as possible. I don't know what to do to get us out of here, there's nowhere to go. After putting him down I've managed to find some old-fashioned grill air vents low down, I can feel the fresh air with my hand and I turn Aaron's body to face the wall so he can breathe it in.

I leave him a moment, frantically trying to find something to reach up and break the glass of the narrow windows so I can call for help. The smoke is getting heavier now, filling my lungs forcing me to drop down to the floor, but the smoke is everywhere and unable to stop coughing I crawl back to Aaron. I wrap myself around him to try and protect him from the flames a little longer for when they reach us. The last thing I remember is feeling the heat closing in.

.

Chas - Pete and Debbie's wedding day, July 2015

"Hey hey hey... don't spill it Mrs," I'm laughing at Moira trying to top up my glass with more champagne, struggling to hold the bottle steady due to the movement of the car. Amazingly the wedding went without a hitch, Ross never showed but probably that's just as well. Something's going on there, Cain isn't letting on but I'll get it out of him at some point.

"Slow down Speedy." Moira is attempting to re-fill her own glass but finding it almost impossible with Cain driving his usual breakneck speed down the country lanes as we head back to Emmerdale.

"Awww, she did look lovely though, ey?" Not really talking to any-one in particular I'm feeling quite light headed already, giggling away to Moira, "I see Robert and Aaron never made it to the wedding, no doubt making the most of the moment."

She grins back at me, "Well, you're only young once." There's a slight pause but then she continues with a mischievous glint in her eyes, "That never stops us though does it." We both lean back giggling like schoolgirls as we take another sip of our drinks and I see Cain shaking his head, half smiling as he looks at us through the rear view mirror.

We are almost at the village when we feel an almighty explosion, Cain slams on the breaks and the car skids to a stop. We all look in the direction of the village and see smoke billowing into the sky. Cain looks back at us to check we are okay then re-starts the engine and races as fast as he can towards the pub.

.

When we get there the fire and police are already attending with water from the fire hoses targeting the flames engulfing the pub; we chase out of the car, pushing past the watching bystanders. Ignoring the tape cordoning off the area Cain and I try to get closer but we are pushed back by the police officers. I scream frantically at them, "My son is in there," I cling onto Cain as it starts to sink in, "Oh god Cain, Aaron is in there." 

Moira sees my panic and puts her hand on my arm in reassurance, "I'll go check the cottage." I watch her go then turn to Cain who is pacing after dialling Aaron's number.

"Are you sure?" One of the PCs has taken notice and is now with us. "Yes, Yes, I think so, I live there, they were waiting for a delivery from the brewery, the two of them were in there." 

Moira runs back towards us shaking her head, "It's all locked up, they're not there."

Cain re-dials Aaron's phone again, "It's just going to voicemail; it's just voicemail." His holds his hand to his head in frustration leaving a message this time, "Aaron, Aaron, its Cain, just give us a call when you get this message will ya, it's urgent." He looks at me and pulls me to him and I hold onto him for dear life as we are forced to stay where we are, watching as the pub goes up in flames.

.

The gas mains have already been cut off, but this doesn't stop the risk of another explosion. With the knowledge that someone might be in there the police tell us that the fire-fighters are trying to find a way inside to look for them.

It seems like forever as we stand waiting and watching. I hardly hear the voices of the others who are gradually arriving back from the registry office, standing with us staring at the pub. When Diane arrives we hold hands silently; Vic is with her, close to tears. Suddenly there is a flurry of movement from the paramedics who rush round to the back of the pub. I try to move forward but Cain holds me back, gripping onto me tight.

One of the fire-fighters comes across, speaking to the PC who points over at us. He comes towards us and I can barely look, "We think we've found them, but they are not easy to get to. The explosion brought down most of the ceiling in the cellar and there's a massive piece of concrete wedged above them. Between that and the debris, they are trapped but it probably saved their lives, protecting them from the fire; we're just working on getting them out." He moves off before we can ask anything further, I look up at Cain and across to Moira; I can hardly bear to hope. When you look at the pub, it's hard to believe anyone could survive that.

Moira has an odd look on her face, "What were they doing in the cellar?"

Cain looks back at her quizzically but I'm not interested about that right now, I just need to see my boy, "I don't know; all that matters at the moment is that they get out alive." Moira doesn't say anything further, but I can tell Cain is stuck thinking about this; the feeling creeping in more and more that maybe this wasn't an accident.

There is another rush of movement and we see two bodies being carried towards ambulances on trolleys. I look at Moira just realising something, "Can you call Paddy, they've gone off for a couple of days but he needs to be here." She nods at me and no PC or anyone could have stopped me, Cain and Diane as we rush across to the ambulances.

.

Chas - Hotten General Hospital, Pete and Debbie's Wedding Day, July 2015

I am pacing up and down in the corridor of the A&E, I hate hospitals. I watch the nurses, staff and other people bustling around, nervously biting my nails; I just need to know he's going to be okay. Diane and Vic are sat on the chairs next to the coffee machine; Diane looks as pale as anything. Eventually a nurse comes up-to us, "Mrs Sugden?"

Diane stands up nervously, putting her arm around Vic's shoulder for support, "I'm Mrs Sugden and this is Robert's sister, Victoria." 

The nurse smiles reassuringly, "He is very groggy, but awake. His injuries are amazingly minimal considering the fire I hear he was pulled from. He took quite a serious blow to the head. He also inhaled a lot of smoke so he can't talk too much at the moment; we have him on oxygen to help him."

Diane relaxes a little but she still looks worried, "But he's going to be okay?"

"He should be fine. Do you want to come through and see him before he is moved up-to the main ward?" Diane nods as the nurse gestures for them to follow her.

"What about my Aaron? Aaron Livesy?" I can't hide the impatience from my voice, desperate to know he's okay.

The nurse turns, "Another team are looking after Mr Livesy so I can't tell you any more I'm afraid; he is still being examined."

Diane hesitates but I wave her away with my hands, "Go, you go," I force a smile, "Give Robert our love."

.

"Come on." I keep muttering under my breath, pacing the corridor again; the wait is killing me. "What's taking them so long Cain?"

Cain gives me a look, telling me to calm down, "Be patient Sis, come sit down. Do you want a coffee?"

"No I don't want a coffee, I want to see my son; I want to know he's okay."

After what seems another age, a doctor comes up-to us, "Mrs Livesy?" I shake my head confusing the doctor a little, "Dingle, sorry I am Aaron Livesy's mum, just not Livesy." I stop babbling, "How is he?"

"Why don't we go on through and talk more privately."

"Why, what's wrong, can't you just tell me here?" I never do well holding back my agitation when I'm nervous and wound up.

"I think it's best if we talk in private, is there anyone you want with you?"

I look at Cain feeling scared, "My brother," Cain follows us frowning as we go into a side room with the doctor, a nurse joining us.

"Why don't we take a seat Mrs Dingle."

Now I know somethings not right, I can see it in her face and I shake my head. "No, you're alright, I prefer to stand. I just need to see Aaron."

The doctor rests back, half sitting on the desk behind her. "My name is Doctor McKormick and I've been taking care of your son since he was brought in. Mr Livesy is unconscious for the moment. We have examined him, he is suffering from smoke inhalation as you would expect but he has other injuries which can't be accounted for by the fire."

I'm close to tears and feel myself paling, "What do you mean, other injuries?" My lack of patience is beginning to get the better of me, "Just spit it out why don't you." Cain puts his hand on my arm to try and calm me down, but I brush it off, "What are you not telling us doctor?"

"Please Mrs Dingle."

"Sorry, but you are scaring me." I bite my tongue, staring directly at the doctor waiting for her to tell me what the hell is going on.

The doctor speaks, her voice measured, "Your son has severe bruising over extensive parts of his body, some knife marks and some bleeding." She hesitates before continuing, "There's no easy way to say this.....," She glances at Cain before looking back to me, "Which we believe has been caused as a result of being sexually violated, multiple times."

Cain has tensed up totally whilst I look at her as though she's from another planet, "I don't understand, what are you saying?" I look at her in horror thinking I must have misheard; she can't be saying what I think she is saying.

The doctor continues as gently as she can, "Mrs Dingle, I'm so very sorry but we believe after careful examination that your son has been raped." I don't hear anything she says after this, it's just noise in the distant background as I feel my knees giving way, Cain catching me in his arms as I collapse.

TBC


	14. Oxygen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is in A&E trying to find Aaron and check he is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapter 14 and 15 together

Robert - Pete and Debbie's wedding day, July 2015

Diane stands up, making ready to leave whilst Vic is still holding onto my hand really tight, staring at me so intensely it's a little unnerving. Diane looks concerned as I launch once more into a fit of coughing, "Are you sure you will be okay pet?"

Holding the mask up-to my mouth and nose, I nod whilst inhaling the oxygen deep into my lungs which slowly helps my coughing subside. I rest my head back on the pillow a moment, all this talking and attention is exhausting but I can't rest just yet. I glance across to the two detectives waiting patiently for Diane and Vic to leave so they can ask their questions. "I'll be fine, you go." Diane and Vic have enough to worry about, what with the pub being pretty much destroyed, they don't need to be fretting about me as well. "You heard the doctor, just a bump on the head and a bit of smoke; I'll be fine." 

I'm finding it difficult talking and have to pause again to take another deep breath with the mask. "Can you do something for me though, will you please find out about Aaron? Nobody is telling me anything, I need to know he's okay." 

Diane leans over and kisses my forehead, "I'll see if I can find Chas, I'm sure they will have some news by now." She looks over to Vic, "Come on you." Then turns back to me, "We'll pop back later to see how you are doing when they've moved you up-to the main ward. We're still trying to get hold of Andy; you know he hadn't really wanted to be around today, what with the wedding and everything. His phone was switched off so we left a message."

"I know," I manage a weak smile and nod.

"Do what the nurses tell you, I know what you are like Robert Sugden," Diane looks tired but she musters a cheerful smile as best she can.

Vic squeezes my hand tight again, "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" 

"I'll be fine, don't worry." 

Once, they've gone I look at the two detectives who introduce themselves again showing me their warrant cards. One of them pulls up a chair, notepad in hand with the other remaining stood up. I put my head back onto the pillow and close my eyes a moment. I have no idea where to start; I mean I'm not even sure they will believe me. It all seems over the top and far-fetched as revenge goes; all this just for an affair, but they don't know the Whites like I do and there's the other problem. I'm certain that Chrissie and Lawrence will have covered their tracks; there will be nothing to trace back to them, they will have made sure of that.

.

The detective's questions never seemed to end, I couldn't tell if they believed me or not. Well I don't care what they think, I told them the truth and when Aaron wakes up he'll be able to back me up. When I had asked them about Aaron, they said he was unconscious still but somehow they were cagey; I just can't get over the feeling there was something they weren't telling me. My eyes close, all I want to do is sleep but my mind is in overdrive after all the questioning, going over and over in my head what happened.

It's really pissing me off that no-one is telling me anything about Aaron. Despite feeling completely exhausted, I have to see him before I can rest but there's still no sign of Chas or anyone. I'm just about to try and get out of bed to go look for him when a nurse comes in to check up on me. She said it wouldn't be long until I'll be moved up-to the main ward; they want to keep me in overnight as a precaution due to the amount of smoke inhalation and to monitor the head injury.

Eventually she leaves me in peace and I decide I've had enough of this; he must be here somewhere, I need to know he's okay. I pull off the oxygen mask and start to get up out of bed but as soon as I stand up I go dizzy and my legs give way; I drop half way to my knees, holding myself up only by leaning on the bed. Thankfully the curtains of the cubicle that I'm in are pulled round so no-one sees as I rest my head on the bed a moment, pushing the nausea away. 

After recovering I stick my head around the curtain to make sure the coast is clear and I start to make my way down the corridor, looking into the cubicles as I pass to see if he is there whilst doing my best to try not to draw any intention to myself. The nausea keeps coming back which is not helping but I ignore it; where the hell are they? 

I stop, not daring to go any further. Just ahead is the nurse's station where they are stood in such a way that there's no way I can slide past without them seeing me and it doesn't look like they are going anywhere soon; crap. I am about to give up in frustration and head back to my bed when someone starts screaming. I ignore it at first thinking it's just some nutcase losing it, but then I freeze as I recognise the voice. It's Aaron who is screaming, he is screaming for help; he is screaming my name.

.

The nurses quickly run into the trauma area just down the way. I am panicking, his screams are ever more desperate and louder as I chase after them into the room where he is; all hell seems to have broken loose. Cain is trying to keep a very upset Chas away from Aaron's bed, battling to hold onto her as she pleads with him to calm down and let them help him. 

Aaron is fighting the doctors and nurses tooth and nail, kicking with his legs and arms everywhere, his body arching up and down as he tries to break free almost lifting himself off the bed. Aaron isn't the biggest of guys, but he is fit, strong and very agile; they are really struggling to get a firm hold on him. One of his flailing arms catches an instrument tray and he manages to grab what looks to be a scalpel of some sort. "Christ, hurry up with that sedative will you before someone gets hurt." A doctor is trying to hold his arm and wrest the scalpel from his grasp and I realise Aaron isn't trying to hurt them with it, he is trying to turn it on himself. 

He must have taken them by surprise because it's all happening so fast. I find myself unable to move as I just stand there watching the scene unfold. I stare in horror as I see his torso; it's almost completely covered in bruises, cuts and some other marks I can't quite make out. He is completely wild and suddenly for an instant his eyes look into mine but there is no recognition, he just continues to battle and scream. I can't describe it, but the look on his face and in his eyes, it's like watching a complete stranger in Aaron's body. "Quick get it in him." One of the doctors manages to press a needle, injecting into his lower back. Aaron's body raises up once more then gradually falls back down onto the bed; as he slides into unconsciousness the doctor is finally able to remove the scalpel from his hand as it relaxes.

"Okay." The doctors and nurses all seem to collapse onto him for a few seconds, their breathing heavy and the relief visible that Aaron is no longer conscious. A doctor begins to check Aaron's vitals, speaking to one of the nurses, "Clean and dress his cuts then let's get him ready to move up-to the ward. You had best pre-warn them, he will need to go up in restraints for when the sedative wears off until they can assess him further." 

"No, no, you can't do that, please no; he doesn't need to be restrained," I can hear the anguish in Chas' voice, she looks terrified, tears streaming down her face, "Please it was just the first shock of waking up, not knowing where he was."

"I'm sorry Mrs Dingle, but it's necessary for both the safety of your son and of the hospital staff. It will just be initially until they are able to assess him further.

.

I hadn't moved or said anything since I entered the room, the shock of what I had just witnessed not really sinking in. Cain is coaxing Chas to go into the waiting area, "Come on Sis, come on, he will be okay; we will make sure he's okay. Let's give them some space and then we will see him up on the ward, I promise we won't ever be far away from him." As they turn, Cain sees me for the first time but almost seems to stare through me. I don't think Chas has even registered I'm here; she looks shell shocked as they walk out into the waiting area. If Cain had let her go I am sure she would have fallen down.

The nurse is giving me a look that tells me I should also go and leave them to it. I stare a moment longer at Aaron, now so quiet and unmoving, the polar opposite of how he was less than a minute ago. Once out in the hall I rest my head against the side of the drinks machine, the effort of being stood up for so long and the events of the day are beginning to catch up with me.

I don't see Cain coming until it's too late. He slams me up against the coffee machine and then pushes me sideways, hard up against the wall. He's almost holding me upright with just his arm pressing hard up against my neck, practically lifting me off the ground, "I can't breathe, Cain please, I can't breathe." 

His eyes bore into mine, full of rage. I look at him confused, Cain has never been the biggest fan of mine, but this is different. He looks like he wants to kill me, I mean really kill me. "What the bloody hell happened Robert, how the fuck did this happen?" Cain's arm is pressing even harder against my throat, "Tell me where I find them." I'm shocked by his attack but even more by the tears in his eyes.

I try to say something but I can't get any words out. Unable to speak, I'm gasping hard for breath and my eyes are closing as everything starts to fade; I'm no longer aware of the jostling going on around me. Then all of a sudden I fall to the ground, the pressure on my body and neck removed and I find I can breathe again. Lying on the floor with my back resting half against the wall, I suck the air down into my lungs. Instinctively I curl myself up in a ball as I turn onto my side, my gut retching and I start to cough uncontrollably. I hear a distant voice yelling, "What the hell is going on?" I remember thinking to myself I'm sure that sounds like Paddy, when did he get here.

.

When I wake up I realise I've been moved from A&E and am now in a bed on a side-ward. Only half awake, I look over to the bed next to me which is empty, so I'm alone, for the time being anyway. I raise my hand to remove the oxygen mask from over my mouth but a nurse comes and scolds me, pulling my hand away, "Just leave it a little while longer, hmmhh, give yourself some time." She hovers over me, I suppose doing whatever checks they do, but I'm not really paying attention as I drift back to sleep. 

I have no idea how much time has passed when I wake again; I keep my eyes closed this time, I'm not quite ready to open them just yet. As my senses gradually become more aware I'm thinking why does my hand throb so much; then I remember, the memory coming back to me. I feel sick just thinking about it, of trying to open the cellar door and the smoke, there was so much smoke and the fire coming at me; thinking of Aaron lying unconscious on the floor at the bottom of the cellar steps. 

I am distracted hearing voices and I strain to listen, recognising Chas and Paddy who appear to be having a heated argument whispering loudly. I hear Paddy speak, "You heard the police; they believe he wasn't there which means he probably doesn't know. Chas, you need to calm down, remember he has also been through an ordeal."

"I know, I know; I just need to know what happened," I hear the anguish in her voice again and listening to them I begin to feel very scared.

"We'll get to that, but first he has a right to know and he needs to hear it from us Chas; he needs to hear it from us." 

"I can't Paddy, I can't tell him; I don't know how." I can hear Chas crying now.

I have to know what's going on and open my eyes, "Hear what?" Chas and Paddy both turn towards me but they avoid my eyes. I ask again but a lot more panicked this time, my voice still raspy from the smoke, "Will someone tell me what is going on; what do I need to hear, why was Aaron like that before? Please just tell me." Tears are welling up in my eyes for some reason as I watch Paddy come to sit in the chair next to my bed; I knew from the look on his face it was bad, but I could never have imagined how bad.

TBC


	15. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as Aaron is making good progress with his treatment, he makes a decision that is almost as devastating to those closest to him as finding out what had happened to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapter 14 and 15 together.

Robert - September 2015

Aaron finished the ECT sessions a couple of weeks ago, having had nine treatments across three weeks. Although I had been completely scared for him in the beginning, I have to admit there was a gradual improvement from the very first session. It was really subtle at first, like every now again he let his gaze wander and actually looked at something, not staring through, but actually registering things. It seems silly to say this, but he also just felt calmer.

Even though the induced seizures were only around 60 seconds I didn't want to be present. Paddy went a couple of times but neither Chas nor me wanted to, but we were there afterwards for him. Every session we had waited for him together in the recovery room. It brought us closer together, a right odd pair; this was probably the only time we have ever shared him. 

After the first couple we got into a rhythm. Once the treatment was over they brought him into the recovery room where mostly he would sleep the first few hours. He had to be on oxygen and was hooked up-to a special machine which monitored his levels all the time and regulated the flow. Whilst he was sleeping Chas and I would attempt to do a crossword; we weren't very good at it, but it passed the time. We always completed it though, I was proud to say we had some very ingenious answers, just the not usually the right ones. The first couple of times he was really sick, but not so much in the later sessions. When he had woken properly then we would take it in turns to help him walk around to help reorient him. 

It was amazing just to be able to touch him more normally; he would even let Chas and Paddy touch him now, not just me. Though we still had to be careful, he wouldn't let us hug him or get anywhere too close with our bodies but you could put a hand on his shoulder, guide him when walking around, simple stuff. I'll never forget the look on Chas' face the first time he let her hold his hand, it was like a mother watching her son walk for the first time.

.

Soon after the ECT treatments were done Aaron could have been released and continued as an out-patient, but both the psychiatrist and counsellor had said they had thought he should continue his therapy a little while longer as an in-patient which he had agreed to. 

There were good days and bad days still, but physically he was massively changed in just a few weeks. He was having counselling sessions every day, some group and some just one-on-one; this is where the progress was less easy. The counsellor and the psychiatrist kept saying there is no right and wrong, there is no quick fix. Together with the counselling all we can do is support him, learn to spot the stressors and over time he will find his way when he is ready. 

We would still visit him every day with me usually doing the evening shift. I had read to him almost from the beginning when he had been moved to the in-patient facility. He had always said he had missed out on the simple things when he was a kid like reading and let's face it he would never pick up a book himself to read when he was older, said he didn't have the patience. So I had read to him, picking the books I had loved as a boy, but also some more recent like Harry Potter. I used to do the voices and sound effects, much to the amusement of the staff at times when they were passing by. In the beginning I don't know if he could hear me, he was just in his own world but strangely enough I always got the vibe from him that he found it comforting. Probably that was just me convincing myself I was of some use, of some help to him. Anyway, after the ECT it just seemed natural to continue; as he became more alert, I swear I could catching him smiling sometimes, glimpses of his old self would sneak through.

.

The one thing that hadn't changed, he still doesn't talk. Actually that's not quite true, he doesn't speak with us nor in the group counselling sessions but he's started to talk with the counsellor in the one-on-one sessions. We only know because with Aaron's permission she had told us, not a lot she said but he does respond verbally sometimes. Whatever his reasons, he isn't ready yet to speak to us; none of us, not even Paddy.

I would never really have imagined Aaron drawing before either, but after he had started becoming more interactive his counsellor had given him a sketch book; A5 pocket size, not big. Since he still wasn't really talking, she said it is a different way to express himself; it often helps as a kind of release. He doesn't write words in it I don't think or not much anyway, but he draws in it quite a lot. He won't let anyone look at it and he never lets it out of his sight usually keeping it hidden away in an inside pocket of his hoody; I'm not even sure if he ever shows the counsellor.

Chas, Paddy and me also go to our own counselling sessions which we have together; Aaron doesn't ever join, he could do, but refuses. They are kind of support and progress reviews all combined, helping us to help him and start thinking about what changes we will need to make when he eventually leaves. It's from these sessions that we know he still doesn't talk about that day yet and he doesn't ever show an emotional response to it when prodded. As far as we know he hasn't cried once since.

The psychiatrist and counsellor are now talking seriously about him leaving the hospital and continuing his therapy as an out-patient. We had started to talk about where he would live, what support he would need and all the related stuff. Finally after all this time, it was scary that we were contemplating him coming home, but we were also excited. We had decided he would come back to our own home, Chas wanted him with her at first, but she had to concede that it was quieter for him in our own home, our own space.

.

Nothing had ever come of the police investigation. They had of course questioned the Whites, but they had shown clear evidence that they were thousands of miles away, spun the sob story that Chrissie couldn't bear to stay in the village where her ex was now shacked up with the local grease monkey. We had exhausted all options, even with all my knowledge of their networks and suspect ties we didn't find anything that provided a link. I think Cain would have considered other options for revenge, but they had since disappeared off the face of the planet, like ghosts.

The fire investigator had pretty much said that it was deliberate, but there were no leads to investigate against. They had been careful with Aaron, they had made sure there was no evidence left on his body or in the pub; there was no DNA, no semen, nothing. I had looked through more mug shots than I had ever thought possible and given an artist's description, but still nothing.

It had never been publically released what had actually happened to Aaron so outside Chas, Cain, Moira, Paddy, Rhona, me and Adam, no-one knew. The police had come back to interview him after he was beginning to improve, together with his counsellor present, but he never reacted. They came back a second time, but still nothing; Aaron had remained silent, not even acknowledging their presence.

I used to wonder if it had really been intended for it to go that far, even for Lawrence it was extreme. We were worried that they might try finishing the job, but knowing Lawrence and what the man in the pub had said that day, I realised that probably he had decided it wasn't worth the risk and this may have been an even better punishment. He knows better than most you can only destroy the soul of the living; we were suffering more alive than we ever could dead.

.

Robert - End September 2015

Chas had car trouble, so she asked if we could go visit Aaron together for once. We go into the lounge, but he isn't there and is no-where to be seen in the reading room either. Chas went to his room, but as she walked back towards me I knew immediately something was wrong, "He's not there, its empty, all his stuff is gone."

The counsellor came up to us, "Ahh Chas, we've been trying to call you; you had better come this way." Chas looks panicked but the counsellor puts a calming hand on her arm, "It's nothing to worry about, Aaron is fine."

Chas speaks before I can get a word out, "So then where is he?"

"Please, come this way, both of you, let's go into my office," She's smiling reassuringly at us as we troop obediently after her. She looks at both of us as we sit down, contemplating her words before saying anything and I suddenly get this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can feel Chas stressing as she does and I reach across to hold her hand; she doesn't look at me, but she's gripping tight.

"As you know we have been talking these last few days about Aaron going home and transitioning to be an out-patient." We both nod, but for once we neither of us say anything. "It's important that Aaron starts to re-build his life. We have been talking about it a lot the last couple of weeks in his sessions to explore how he felt about this. In the beginning he was scared by the prospect which is understandable, but he also recognises that to start re-building he couldn't stay here forever; he needs to try and take the next step. That doesn't mean the counselling stops, it will run in parallel."

Chas is nodding impatiently, "Yes, yes we know all this," Neither if us are sure where she's going with this.

"However a stumbling block, if you like, in these discussions has increasingly been what does, 'going home' mean to Aaron, what is home." Chas was about to say something, but the counsellor raises her hand slightly to indicate Chas needs to let her continue and Chas snaps her mouth closed, almost like a goldfish.

"Aaron made a decision this week. It's not necessarily what we would prefer, but my job is to support him and enable him, not to dictate his life to him. You see, Aaron doesn't feel like Emmerdale is his home any more, he isn't ready to go back, it's too soon." She pauses but we're both still absorbing what she's saying that we both remain quiet.

"What's important is that Aaron continues his counselling, so we've made a deal, we will continue his counselling more remotely and I would find him a counsellor in addition more locally to support from where he will be living. Aaron left this morning."

There's an eerie silence, I knew that Aaron had been very much more in control of the decision making together with his counsellor which had felt kind of weird, but also good as well; I suppose I saw it as him taking back some control of his life. Though not ever at any point did I suspect this is what he was considering. Chas and I just sit pretty much gobsmacked until eventually Chas found her voice, "How can you do that though, he clearly needs more time." 

"As I said, he will continue the counselling and he has taken a brave and positive step to make a move away from the hospital." 

Chas is close to tears now and I feel her hand gripping mine even tighter, "But he's clearly not ready."

"I think he actually is. He just isn't ready to come back to Emmerdale which is understandable; it's a small village full of reminders. Where you live and work Chas is a place where he experienced severe trauma."

"We can move, we can go anywhere, I will do anything for my son."

"He needs space Chas, he needs to determine his own future and if he ever comes home, he needs to find his own way to come to terms with what happened there." 

"I don't understand how you can let him do this, he clearly isn't mentally stable enough to decide this and what do you mean if. Are you saying he may never want to come home?"

"Aaron is quite a resilient young man; you have a son to be proud of. As long as he continues with his counselling then I have no reason to keep him here against his will and he has free choice where he goes. We prefer that he would be with family and carers, part of a family unit; being in familiar surroundings is often a key support factor, but in this case it's not that simple. You may ultimately have to accept the possibility that Aaron may never want to come back to Emmerdale. Please realise, Aaron hasn't taken this decision lightly, we talked all options through at length but ultimately it is Aaron's decision to make."

"Well that's just great, you talked about it," Chas sputters the words, wiping away the tears with her sleeve, "He hasn't said a word in just over 2 months then he finally starts to come back to us just to then leave us again, not a bye or leave. Don't we get a say?"

"I'm afraid not, as difficult as it sounds; Aaron is an adult. We have talked through his reasons and how he will cope being away from the family unit and I am happy he has thought this through sufficiently."

Finally I ask a question of my own, "So where has he gone?"

"He made me promise not to tell you and I am bound by confidentiality. I know how to get hold of him if there is an emergency; that was part of the deal we made so if there is any kind of family emergency I can pass a message to him for you." Chas huffs out loud at this.

The counsellor leans forward, "Give him time, time to find his way; trust in him." She reaches into her drawer, "He left you these." She passes me three letters, each individually addressed: Chas, Paddy and Robert.

Chas looks devastated; that doesn't come close to how I am feeling.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading and all the kudos, it's kept me going especially for these couple of chapters which I have found the hardest to write, I suppose because they link the 2 different phases of the story. The next two however I have loved writing, I suppose I am just a glutton for the beating yourself up parts of the story. I love the community that is Robron, such inspiring fanvids, fab theories and just plain fun. I hope to post the next 2 chapters probably on Monday.


	16. The Notebook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron turns to an unexpected person from his past and begins to open up.

End September 2015

Aaron knocks on the door and waits, it takes a moment before he hears footsteps and then watches as the door opens revealing unwavering eyes that he hasn't seen for a long time. He walks in closing the door behind him avoiding the attempt at a hug and instead carries on into the living area, putting his small backpack down on the sofa.

"Is that everything?" He nods; he doesn't have much, just a change of clothes and toothbrush. 

Clearly something isn't right, but that much was obvious from the first phone call. It came completely unexpected and out of the blue but there was no hesitation, there was never going to be any answer other than yes. Aaron needed help and he wouldn't be asking for it unless it's something serious.

.

During dinner there's hardly any conversation, but somehow that doesn't matter as they sit eating more or less in silence. They had done this countless times before and even after all this time it's comfortable between them, yet there's a kind of weird anticipation hanging all the same.

After finishing eating, Aaron is in his own world as he walks over to the veranda door and stands leaning against the wall by the doorframe staring out; he doesn't even begin to notice the chilly night air closing in. "Tea?" He visibly jumps at feeling a hand on his arm and there's a silent pause, "I should know better hey? Stupid question, I'll get you a can, I got you in your usual. You still have the same I take it?" Aaron nods and starts to relax again.

After taking the can held out to him he opens it and has a drink whilst smiling at seeing the familiar struggle with the cork screw to open a bottle of wine, "I don't know why you don't just buy screw top; give it 'ere." Aaron takes the bottle and opens it effortlessly, pouring a glass.

"Well, you know me; I never take the easy way." 

They are now both standing by the open veranda doors with Aaron once again leaning against the inner wall. He is very quiet and still, just staring out across the harbour as they drink, a silent toast hanging in the air. So much had happened, so much changed since they last saw each other but they had both known this moment would eventually come. Although they had kept in touch, they hadn't seen each other in all this time, but never in a million years did either of them expect that when they did see each other that it would be back here.

.

Eventually the silence is broken, "Are you going to tell me what's going on? It wasn't what I was expecting when I rang back to be speaking to a counsellor in a psychiatric ward." It's almost as if Aaron hasn't heard the question, he just continues staring out through the open door watching the seagulls circling, Whitby Abbey on the top of the cliff opposite lit up against the darkening night sky. He takes another drink from the can in his hand, still not saying anything but he couldn't do anything to stop the first tear roll down his cheek, followed by another and then another.

He turns into her, his whole body shaking as he buries himself in her arms, the tears beginning to stream down his face. The weight of his body is pulling her down so much that she moves down onto her knees then shifting so she can sit properly on the floor. She leans back against the open door cradling him in her arms as he cries his heart out, not knowing what to think or say; simply knowing that he needed her.

They are sitting with Aaron curled up in a ball on the floor resting across her lap; she watches his chest go up and down until the sobs eventually subside, just every now and again a huff creeping out. He has his arms wrapped around her and it feels as though he's holding onto her for dear life. They stay like this for a very long time and Hazel knows something is very wrong, but she also knows that tonight is not the right time to ask questions; he will open up to her when he's ready.

.

Hazel shuffles into the kitchen, yawning, still tired. Aaron is up already, doodling in his notebook at the table. "You sleep okay?" Aaron nods, he's pale and doesn't really look as though he had slept but neither had Hazel. They hadn't talked at all last night; Hazel had just been there for him so she is still really none the wiser as to what is going on. 

When she had called the counsellor back a few days ago, she had been surprised at the request if she would be willing to meet Aaron in Whitby. The counsellor hadn't really said much other than he had been in a fire and was being released from hospital since being there the last couple of months. She hadn't said anything specific other than Aaron is physically fine but hadn't told her why he had been under psychiatric care just that Aaron really wanted to see her. There had been just one condition, she isn't to tell anyone, no-one.

"There's tea in the pot, I'm off for a shower," Aaron hesitates, hovering at the bathroom door, "I thought we could go for a walk after." 

Hazel looks up and nods, "The fresh air will be good, but promise me no boat trips, you remember I don't do too well with boats." Aaron smiles to himself remembering how he and Jackson had made fun of her as she threw up on the fishing boat the last time they were here.

.

Walking along the beach, the air is cool and the sky grey but Aaron is relaxed. He's strangely in a playful mood, walking as close as possible to the sea, narrowly avoiding getting his feet wet on more than one occasion as he misjudges the speed of the water rushing up the shore. He stops for a moment, his attention caught by a couple with a dog further up the beach walking hand in hand, every now and again kissing. They throw a ball which the dog chases down to the water's edge and Aaron smiles as he watches intently until his gaze shifts to Hazel who is waiting for him to catch her up. As they continue walking side by side, Aaron silently slips his hand into hers and she glances sideways at him but he says nothing and keeps staring ahead into the distance.

Winding their way onto the harbour pier, each with a box of fish and chips, they sit down on a bench to eat. "You know this is the last time I think he was truly happy when we were here, he was so buzzing after the sky dive, do you remember?" 

Hazel nods, remembering their holiday with mixed emotion. "Is that why you wanted to come here, because we came here with Jackson?"

"Partly, I wanted to see you and this is, well I suppose somewhere neutral." Aaron shrugs, putting another chip in his mouth. "Plus the fish and chips from the Magpie caf' are the best ever," He smiles and turns his head to watch a boat as it comes into the harbour.

.

Hazel sits back quietly whilst eating another forkful of her haddock; she senses he is ready to talk and knew not to push. Hazel knows Aaron better than almost anyone, their shared experience during those months with Jackson bonded them in a way that no-one else can ever understand.

"You know I met someone after I came back from France?"

"I seem to remember you telling me something of the sort; I was never quite sure whether it was on or off. You called him a prick quite a few times," Aaron laughs quietly to himself thinking back to the conversations. "Had a wife though didn't he?"

Aaron nods, "They are getting divorced; he left her." He doesn't continue right away and Hazel lets the silence linger until he's ready to go on. "I had broken it off for the millionth time and was leaving, bought plane tickets and everything. He had made it clear he wouldn't leave her and I couldn't just be his bit on the side anymore, I was in too deep." Resting his food down next to him on the bench he then continues, "But I got it wrong, I suppose we both got it wrong. He wouldn't let me leave, I tried, but he stopped me; ended up telling me he loved me and snogging me in front of the whole pub," Hazel raised her eyebrows, "Just the small problem being his wife and 'er dad also saw. Anyway he left her and now we live together....," He pauses and then corrects himself, "Lived together." 

"Do you love him?"

Aaron looks at Hazel and smiles, "Yeah, I never thought I could love someone like that after Jackson but I do. I'm not sure Jackson would approve of him though; he's what you might call a bit of a one, but I can see right through him though and he knows it."

Hazel tentatively pushes a little more, "You said 'lived together' as in past tense." Aaron's right leg starts bouncing up and down, jittering; he's anxious all of a sudden, so much that he has to get up. He walks across to the railing on the other side and leans over looking down at the waves crashing up against the harbour wall where after a moment Hazel joins him, "There's no rush Aaron, whatever it is, you don't have to tell me until you are ready." 

"No, I want to, I need to.....; it's just well....., it's hard." He shudders as it starts to drizzle with rain.

"Come on, let's go back inside where it's a bit warmer." Hazel links her arm through Aaron's and they head back to the holiday flat.

.

Aaron makes some tea whilst Hazel goes to the loo, when she gets back he hands her mug to her and they sit on the sofa. Aaron is sitting half turned to the side so he can see her properly.

He takes a deep breath; he has never spoken a word about that day, definitely not to the counsellor but he knows he needs to talk before it consumes him completely. He trusts Hazel without hesitation and knows he can talk to her; she's not like other people. "His wife's family are rich, self-made millionaires and all that. Robert had always said there had been some dodgy dealings and that Lawrence, that's his wife's dad; well, that he could be ruthless. I never really saw it myself, you know you don't; I just thought Robert was exaggerating but then Cain was also worried. He'd done his own digging and had heard some bad stuff but nothing happened. We were happy, moved in together, even mum was coming round to the idea we were good for each other."

He takes a sip of tea and puts his mug down on the floor, "But they were right, they came for their revenge; they wanted to kill us Hazel. They meant to kill us in that fire; they burnt the pub to the ground." Aaron is looking directly at her now whilst fiddling anxiously with the cuffs of his jumper which are half pulled over his hands. "We tried to get away but there were too many of them. They whacked Robert over the head so hard I thought he was dead, he never moved when they dragged him away." Hazel can see fear creeping into his eyes, his voice breaking, "They knew exactly what they were doing, it was all planned but instead of being the two of us, it was just me....., it was me left all alone with them."

Aaron's bottom lip trembles, getting up he walks over to the window, using his sleeve to wipe away a few tears that he can't hold back. He isn't ready to say the words, not yet....., he couldn't. Looking back at Hazel on the sofa he hesitates before walking over to the table and pulls out his notebook from inside his hoody and silently passes it to her then returns to stand by the window staring up at the Abbey; this was the first time he had let anyone see.

TBC


	17. Dear Robert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is devastated and has withdrawn even more, heartbroken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The second/third section early on includes bdsm content.  
> Posted Chapters 17 - 19 together

Robert - Beginning October 2015

That day in the hospital keeps going round in my head; even now it feels like a knife twisting inside me when I think about it. I'll never forget the look on Chas' face when the counsellor said we may have to face the fact that Aaron might never come back to Emmerdale.

Chas never once spoke to me about what Aaron wrote in his letter to her. I can't blame her; I haven't talked about what he wrote to me either. It was very Aaron, short and to the point.

_Dear Robert,_

_When you read this, I will have gone already. Please don't be mad but I know I wouldn't have had the strength if I tried to do this in person._

_I don't deserve you, any of you. I would never have made it this far on my own; because of you, mum and Paddy I am still alive._

_I don't have the right words to explain, but remember we promised to never lie to each other, to be honest. I'm not sure I can make you understand why I have to go, I just know it's what I need to do if we are to have any chance in the future._

_I was so scared thinking you were dead. I can't shake the memory of seeing you lying on that floor not moving. I love you with all my heart and I always will, but every time I look at you, what happened plays over and over in my head, I am back there in that room, all alone. It's like it's on repeat and I don't know how to make it stop._

_The pub, Emmerdale, it's where mum and Paddy belong. I can't ask them to leave for me, it wouldn't be fair and I can't go back, I just can't, not yet. Emmerdale isn't home to me anymore and I can't promise that it ever will be again._

_I need to figure it out, to find a way to move on and I can't be with you until I do. I know probably none of this makes any sense to you, please just trust me when I say there isn't another way. All I can ask is for you to give me this time to find a way back to you._

_Please forgive me,_

_Yours forever Aaron_

.

Robert - End October 2015

I had decided at the end of September that I would stop seeing him, I wouldn't go and it would just stop as we had agreed. The need was less and less since his treatment had slowly brought Aaron back to us, but then he chose to leave; I need it more than ever now.

.

I am laid half on my back, my legs bent back tight behind me, the rope binding my naked body in a hogtie so expertly done that I can't move hardly at all. He is lying on his side, leaning on me as he watches my body and my eyes intently. I'm trembling involuntarily from the fear as I watch the very sharp point of the ivory finger pressing hard against my nipple, playing, circling. He then continues down my stomach, not breaking the skin, but leaving a trail of deep red scratches.

Seldom does he use anything other than his own body when we are together; the physical contact on its own is usually enough. Just on odd occasions like now he brings a little extra something with him.

He is in a playful and taunting mood tonight, when he's like this it's a dangerous combination of pushing me to the very edge and hard sex. He has them on his right hand, a long ivory finger individually capping each of his fingers; they are about 7 inches in length, the thin ivory smooth, straight and tapering to a sharp point. It's amazing how something that simple can be so beautiful and scary all at the same time. He knows me very well by now, driving me to breaking point with equal measure of pleasure and pain.

He continues downwards, I am straining against the rope which just makes it dig tighter into my skin. The fingers caress, leaving their mark over my whole body; he works his way up my thigh slowly moving to my crotch where he prods and strokes, then working his way stroking my shaft up to the head, he smiles at me. I know that smile, the ivory teasing around the head and I tense in anticipation; I know exactly what's coming next. As he starts to push it down inside through the top, my head rolls back and I close my eyes; the sensation is unimaginable as I zone out, completely lost in my own head space.

.

I turn the engine off and sit a while in the car, I find the darkness quietly comforting and I wonder where Aaron is. Is he on his own or has he found someone new, does he think about me or Emmerdale at all or does he push us out of his thoughts? He hasn't been in touch once since he left. I look over at the pub where the re-building is now progressing rapidly. I heard Diane say they will re-open for Christmas. I hardly go out and I can't remember the last time I saw Chas or Paddy, they seem to be keeping their distance, almost avoiding me and that's fine by me.

The sky lights up as I get out of the car, a firework shooting upwards. I jump with a start as it explodes with the usual bang then watch the shooting stars glittering as they fall back down towards the ground. I look at my watch, 31st Oct, its Halloween, almost bonfire night; I shudder as my mind casts back to the fire in the pub. Another one shoots up into the sky and I watch it leaving a trail of golden light until suddenly I find myself unable to breathe, my chest tightening and I feel as if I am going to be sick. I rest against the car, my vision blurring as I slide down its side onto the ground; I struggle to catch my breath, but I can't, it just gets worse.

I didn't notice anyone until I felt strong arms pull me up, draping my arm over their shoulder, walking me in the direction of one of the houses nearby.

.

Adam & Vic - End October 2015

Adam manages to open the door whilst balancing Robert's weight against him. "Vic, where are you, Vic quick I need you." He continues into the lounge practically carrying Robert.

Vic comes in wiping her hands on a tea-towel and seeing Adam struggling to sit Robert down on the sofa, she rushes to help. Robert is having a panic attack, breathing fast in shortened breaths and he is white as a sheet. Vic kneels in front of him, holding him upright by his shoulders, "Breathe Robert, just breathe nice and slow, in and out, just follow me." She looks into his eyes to try and get him to focus on her and what she is saying, breathing deep slow breaths with him to try and calm him back down.

Adam is stood leaning against the back wall, watching. He hadn't spoken to Robert since that time when he had told him he knew what had happened to Aaron. He couldn't help but blame him, if he hadn't cheated on his wife, messing Aaron around like that then none of this would have happened and Aaron would still be here, safe and well.

Since Aaron had left, Adam had thrown himself into the scrap yard to keep himself distracted whilst Robert had shut himself off even more, even from Vic and Adam hadn't gone out of his way to help him. He had argued constantly with Vic on this, she didn't understand why he hated Robert so much and he had never told her the reason.

.

Robert's breathing slowly returns to normal, "Thanks." He smiles weakly at her as he starts to stand up to go home.

"Oh no you don't, you are not going anywhere Robert; you are staying right here." She throws Adam a look that said this isn't a discussion; Adam knew when not to fight Vic and tonight was one of those times. He feels oddly sorry for Robert seeing him like this; he hadn't really considered how Robert felt since Aaron left.

Robert pushes Vic away, "No, let me be Vic, I know you mean well but I just want to go home."

"Robert, you can't keep hiding away, punishing yourself like this. Aaron made a choice and you have to find a way to live with this and move on. I won't lose you, I won't lose you too, do you understand?"

Again he tries to push Vic away from him, the force a little harder than he intended so that Adam is now up in his face, "She's just trying to help Robert, let her help." Adam is gripping onto Robert's arm but lets go when he sees him flinch.

Robert starts to get agitated, spitting out, "I don't need your help, just let me be." He just wanted to get out of there and starts towards the door fending Vic off with his arm but his sister is in no mood to take no for an answer. She stands in front of him, blocking his path to the door, "No Robert, I meant it, you are not going anywhere; you are staying here. You will have to fight me to get through that door."

"Just get out of my way Vic, before I make you." Vic stands her ground; she can be as stubborn as her brothers when she chooses. Robert moves as if to force her out of his way when Adam intervenes again and they scuffle. Pain is shooting through Robert's entire body as Adam grabs hold of him and he half collapses against Adam, the pain all consuming. Adam lets him down to the floor and Robert stays down struggling to fight away the tears. He isn't sure if they are from the pain coursing through his body or the emotional exhaustion of trying to stop Vic finding a way into his head.

Vic puts her hand on his back and again he flinches violently from the pain. Vic looks to Adam as it’s becoming clear to both of them that Robert is physically hurt.

.

Robert is crying as Vic kneels down next to him and he feels the shame wash over him. He doesn't want her to see how weak he is but he doesn't have any strength left to fight her now. Vic gently strokes his hair whilst struggling not to cry herself; it's breaking her heart to see her brother suffering like this.

"Let me see Robert," she puts her hand to lift up his shirt, he brushes it away but she can tell he doesn't have the energy any more. Grabbing his hand, she holds it fast whilst raising his shirt and gasps as she sees the marks on his front. She rises up a little to get a better view of his back and sees even more marks. Looking over to Adam who is standing not far away she sees his eyes widen as he takes in the damage on Roberts upper body.

Adam comes over to help Vic lift Robert and between them they carry him upstairs. Vic had considered trying to clean him up a little but as soon as Adam has laid her brother on the bed in the spare room, he closed his eyes. Pulling the duvet over him she sits on the floor next to the bed and she watches him all night, refusing to leave his side.

TBC


	18. Time To Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Day 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapters 17 - 19 together

Robert - The Woolpack, Christmas Day 2015

It's going to be a bit of a strange day I reckon, we are spending Christmas Day with Diane. The pub had re-opened yesterday, but there is no Christmas menu this year and we had closed up at two. Diane wanted to spend the rest of the day with just family and friends. Chas has gone up-to the farm, but they are all coming down later, all the Dingles and the Bartons together with the Sugdens, so that should be interesting. Paddy had said they might call by with Leo.

Adam and Vic are the link still holding the families together.

.

Vic and Diane are finishing off the turkey; Vic pours a glass of bubbly as she sees me walk in and hands it to me after giving me a kiss on my cheek, "Happy Christmas." I give her a hug.

I grin when I see Adam and Andy arsing around trying to put up some furniture thing that Vic had ordered, good luck with that one I think to myself. I walk over to the kitchen and wish Diane happy Christmas before Vic shoos me out of the way so I go sit on the sofa. It's nice just watching them all so happy and relaxed; especially when I think back to last Christmas and everything that has happened since.

I had stayed with Vic and Adam after that night. Vic had gone to the cottage for me and got the few things I had wanted and I have never been back. I can't bring myself to sell it or rent it out, but I don't want to be there on my own any more either.

Thanks to Vic, Adam and Andy, life had simply started to move on. This last couple of months we have all got so close; I don't remember us ever being this close, not even when we were kids. 

Funnily enough I am working part-time at the garage and the rest of the time I am with Adam at the scrap yard. I wonder what Aaron would make of that.

It wasn't planned, it just kind of happened. Back in November Cain and Ross were off for the week and Debbie was stressing with an overloaded job book trying to calm an irate customer complaining he had to wait. I had been passing and offered to help. She wasn't so sure at first, but she knew I was a trained mechanic and she had to admit she needed the help. It was just supposed to be for the week until the others got back, but Debbie and I found we worked really well together and I finished the week finding I had really enjoyed it. I had been trying to work out how to ask her if she would keep me on after the others got back, but in the end I didn't have to, she asked me. Apparently she enjoyed having someone around with whom she could have a sensible conversation. I don't know how she got to that conclusion, I hadn't really said much all week. Cain wasn't too happy when he found out, but Debbie had told him to stick it and now, even with him, there's a kind of truce.

Then with the scrap yard, it just made sense. Adam concentrated on the scrapping part and I did the admin side. In the end I also felt I owed Adam, if he hadn't stopped to help me that night, I am not sure I would have made it to today.

I never told Adam and Vic how I got the marks on my body, but after moving in with them, I never went back to the house in the woods. Once I had let my family back in I found I didn't need him the same. 

I used to read the letter that Aaron wrote every day, it gave me hope, but I stopped. I can't bring myself to burn it, it's hidden away in a small box at the back of a drawer in my room. I suppose I have accepted that I might have lost Aaron for good.

.

I put the spoon down in the empty dish in front of me. I don't think I could have put another spoonful into my mouth, I feel like I am going to burst I have eaten that much. I'm so proud of Vic as I watch across at her flicking water at Adam as he helps her do the washing up. Her and Adam have decided to get married. I know Vic had said she wasn't ready yet when Adam had asked her before, but something had changed her mind. It was Vic who had taken everyone by surprise when she told us she had asked Adam; they haven't set a date yet but I think they will soon.

In their usual loud fashion I hear the Bartons and the Dingles arriving in the pub where the day would continue; it would be too crowded in here.

I hesitate knowing they can be overwhelming at the best of times, especially when they are all together. I often feel awkward around them and out of place; Aarons absence lingers. I feel Diane's hand on my arm as she sits next to me, "There's no rush you know, come on in when you are ready," I nod gratefully.

As they all head in the direction of the noise, I am left alone with my own thoughts. I hadn't really spoken to Paddy or Chas much, after everything we had been through it still felt too raw. Chas and I hadn't specifically avoided each other; that would have been impossible as she still lives with Diane at the pub, but we kept our distance. 

.

I can't put it off any longer I suppose, they'll only come looking for me. I get up and wander into the pub, staying back not quite going in; I lean against the back doorway.

I watch Chas laughing away with Moira. I wonder how she does it, living here in the pub every day. It feels strange being in here after all this time. It's the first time I have really been back here in the bar and I find myself staring at the tables where we had sat that day. I am so wrapped up in the thought, I hadn't noticed Chas come up beside me, she handed me a whiskey and squeezed my hand. She didn't say anything; she didn't need to as she walked back over to the others, joining in their jokes and laughter.

We both miss him, that won't ever stop, but he had made his choice when he left us; he still hasn't been in touch, nothing. 

.

Aaron - Eastbourne, Christmas Day 2015

We had been for a walk on the beach head, I love being by the sea. We'd had a laugh earlier, neither of us overly gifted at cooking not helped by the limited space of living in a caravan. There was me with Delia's cook book and Hazel with her hand stuffed up inside a turkey. It's going to be fifty-fifty if it will be edible. I was winding Hazel up as we got back, saying we should do a runner and just go for a curry instead. "Ye of little faith Livesy," I smile at her and started to open the bottle of fizz for her and a can for me. It's easy with Hazel, there's no pushing.

.

When we were in Whitby I had asked Hazel if I could stay with her for a while, she had agreed but she worried it might be a bit cramped, but also if she could give me the right support. Hazel always was a little unconventional; she comes and goes so much with her travels that she never really has a permanent place to live. She was living at a caravan park in Eastbourne, I never asked her why Eastbourne, not that it matters, I don't care where we are. I just need to be with someone I know and trust who isn't from Emmerdale.

She gave me a condition of her own though, two actually. She wanted to speak to the counsellor about more of what support I needed and the other, well I never answered her; she just nodded her head as if it was agreed and we had left it at that.

I've been going to counselling every week, there's a support centre not too far away in Hove. It's helping, but I still find it difficult to talk about it. Hazel works cleaning and giving painting classes at the local church, I pick up odd jobs here and there, bar work and some garage work. I don't want anything fixed, but I don't want to sponge off Hazel neither. So far it's working okay.

.

We knew it wasn't going to be all easy. Physically, I'm okay; I have a few more cuts on my body but other than that the doctor says there is no lasting damage. When I first moved down here and was out on my own I found myself sometimes rooted to the spot shaking with fear. I don't know if it was because I was in a strange place, but in the beginning it was so bad I hadn't wanted to go out without Hazel just in case it happened, but this seems to have more or less stopped now.

The worst though are the nightmares. I remember the force of them holding me down, the knife against my throat and the man laughing at me; it feels like he will haunt me forever. They repeat every night, it's so real as if it's happening all over again; I can taste, smell and feel everything that happened. I wake up screaming or crying most nights. Hazel just holds me until I calm down, I usually can only fall back asleep in her arms.

The counsellor was concerned about me starting to self-harm again and I've been working really hard on the techniques the centre have given me, but strangely enough I've found that if I go for a walk on the beach when I feel things closing in too much, it helps clear my head, the sea air on my face kind of freeing me.

I know I have mood swings, but then Hazel said I always was a moody get and she doesn't actually see me any worse than before; not sure if that's a good thing or bad. I don't press my luck by asking. 

.

After finishing the washing up, I have to laugh at Hazel snoring away on the sofa bank, I take the almost empty glass of wine out of her hand before she drops it and I leave her a note to say I had gone for a walk. I always leave her a note when I go out so she doesn’t worry, part of the deal we have. It's cold out, the winter salt air biting, but I walk on up the beach and sit a while on the damp sand, staring over at the bright lights of the pier.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll down the contacts, there aren't many in there. Numbers I have never dialled, but they are in there, just in case. I find my finger hovering over Robert's name, I feel guilty about just leaving, but I know it was the right thing to do. I'm not ready yet, it's just too soon. I shove the phone back into my jean's pocket and think about heading back to the caravan.

TBC


	19. Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Sugdens are preparing for Vic and Adams wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Posted Chapters 17 - 19 together

Robert - June 2016

"Vic stop fretting, it is all going to be okay, trust me," I give her a big hug as she pulls that cute little frown she has when everything's getting on top of her. My sister is seriously stressing, focussing far too much on her wedding list. Honestly, I don't know why people bother getting married if it causes this much hassle. I have to admit though, neither me nor Andy can't wait to see her walk down the aisle in Church next Saturday; officially on the 11th June our little sister will be married. Victoria Barton, how odd will that feel.

Andy is plotting the stag do together with Adam which Vic is convinced is going to land Adam in bother, the nick or worse. Apparently as best man she is looking to me to provide some kind of control, I just laughed and said keep me out of it. Andy has ended up doing the organising because if it had been left to me we would just stay in the pub all night; I'm useless at this kind of things these days.

Vic is so concerned that Adam promised to have his stag do much earlier in the week so she had time to bail him out or whatever and still get him to the church on time so it's set for this coming Tuesday , being the only day of the week we could get everyone together. Vic is having her hen do at home on the same night, a girls' night of pampering. We said we would all start off together in the pub first; Val and Doug will mind the bar so Chas and Diane can have the night off.

.

We found out from Diane that Vic had been nervous about whom to ask to walk her down the aisle because she couldn't pick and didn't want to hurt either of our feelings. Andy and I talked about it and we asked her if we could walk her down together. Vic's face lit up when we asked her, but without knowing later that day Adam had asked me if I would be his best man which kind of surprised me, but in the last few months we have become kind of close in an odd ball sort of way. So that's finally what we decided on. 

Andy and I were both more worried that they might ask us to move out, wanting to enjoy wedded bliss without having the older brothers around; but they both were shocked we had thought they would even consider it. I have to say I was relieved, I wasn't too keen on the prospect to look for an alternative place to live and besides we have fun living together. Vic is teaching me how to cook, apparently I have talent.

.

I'm enjoying a pint in the pub after coming back from work, settled at the end of the bar nice and quiet with the paper. It's been full-on working with Debbie this last week to finish off putting a business plan together to expand the garage. We go to see the bank next week to finalise everything and get their approval for the loan, so we need everything to be watertight.

"Usual please Chas," Bob comes in with Brenda. He nods over to me, "You looking forward to next weekend?"

I smile, "Yep, it's not every day you get to see your sister get married."

Chas puts their drinks on the bar as Brenda also comments, "Awww, I bet she'll look lovely."

Bob carries on chatting with Chas, "I got a text from Hazel earlier today."

"Oh yeah; how's she doing, she been gallivanting off on one of her trips again?"

"Don't know, we really haven't heard much from her in the last few months; just too busy I suppose, you know how it gets. She's coming up on Tuesday though, anniversary and all that. You know she comes every year?" Chas nods as Bob continues. "She said she might call in for a drink."

Chas leans onto the bar, "Even after all this time, it must be difficult still, it's hard losing a son." I know that she's thinking about Aaron, I focus on reading the paper and pretend I'm not listening. At least Hazel knows where her son is, Chas hasn't heard from Aaron since he left.

.

Aaron - June 2016

Hazel doesn't do subtle. She had started to bring it up a couple of weeks ago. The other condition that she had given me back last Sept was that I visit Jackson's grave with her on the anniversary. I knew it was her way of getting me back in the village but still giving me an escape clause.

I wouldn't say I don't think about Emmerdale, but a lot of the time I just focus on my life here; Emmerdale seems like a world away. I have been working full-time at the garage down the road since March. They have a bit of a funny sense of humour down here but they are good to work with, so I can't complain and it's nice to have the regular money coming in.

I had never said I would go with her, but well, Hazel has that way about her. She never once mentions anyone other than Jackson, just about looking forward to having a drink and a chat with him. I have to admit I would like to do that, so eventually I had given in. I owe her this after everything she has done for me. I thought she would have gone on and on about it, to try and get me to talk about my feelings, but she hadn't. Once I had agreed she didn't mention it again and I just pushed it to the back of my mind.

.

"Hazel will you get a shift on, or at this rate it will be tomorrow when we get there." She has been faffing around all morning doing this and that. Finally she puts her head out of the caravan door, beaming smile, "Ready we are then, oh hold on, one more thing," I just shake my head at her as she goes back into the caravan for yet something else, "Mints, can't go on a long journey without mints....., what?" she calls after me as she sees me already walking off in the direction of the car still shaking my head. 

Work has let me borrow a car for the drive up. Hazel gets in and buckles up, smiling away to herself. "You are sure it's safe?" I look at her and decide not to say anything. "Just checking, you can never be too careful."

We don't talk a lot, well I don't talk a lot; Hazel seems to be in overdrive today. As she asks me for the third time if the car is safe, I think to myself, if we ever do this again, we are getting the train and I will book her seat at the opposite end of the train to mine. I have to laugh at her though.

It's another faff when we stop for food, I swear she's worse that a child. I look at the clock in the car, it's a lot later than we intended by the time I turn off the motorway, Emmerdale edging ever closer. The thought crosses my mind if she had done this on purpose so we wouldn't have time to drive back tonight. She can be devious like that.

.

As we get further up north it's weird seeing familiar landmarks, it feels different somehow, the landscape and the buildings. I feel a knot tightening in my stomach now that we're driving down familiar roads. Who am I kidding, this is becoming all too real and I pull over into a lay-by and get out of the car, I need fresh air. Hazel also gets out and leans against the side of the car, resting her chin on her folded arms on the car roof, looking over at me, "You okay?" 

I stare out over the Dales before turning back to look at her, "Do you ever regret leaving Emmerdale?" 

She ponders a minute, "No, I missed some of the people, like Bob..... and you on your good days but it was never my home." Hazel can see I'm really struggling with the thought of going back to Emmerdale, "You know you don't have to come with me if you don't want."

"Now you say that," I'm kicking my foot into the ground, playing with the gravel as I try to decide what I want. Hazel knows me maybe better than I know myself sometimes. I sigh and look back across as her, "We've come this far....., anyway I promised." 

"You don't have to see anyone you don't want to. We will just visit Jackson and then head back home."

There's that word again, 'home'. "Anyway, no-one will recognise you without your scruffy beard," Hazel grins as we get back in the car. I've been clean shaven for a while now, Hazel had beaten me at cards and this was my forfeit. It kind of stuck.

.

As we pull into the church car park I try and park farthest away from where someone will see us. I pull my hood up over my head as we get out, grabbing the bag of goodies off the back seat that Hazel has brought with us and with my head down, hands stuffed in my pockets, I follow her up through the graveyard to see Jackson.

Although it had been a nice day, the sun is losing its power as the evening begins to draw in, but it's still nice and warm. I'm lying on my side on the grass, my arm at an angle resting my head against my hand, listening to Hazel chat away to Jackson. She looks over at me, "You don't want to say anything then?"

I smirk at her, "Can't get a word in edgeways." I actually find it relaxing listening to her ramble on.

"Well let me go find a rubbish bin and you can talk to him all you like for a while." Hazel leaves me to it. It's been such a long time, but it feels good to visit him. I tell him a little about what I've been doing, but mostly I sit in the quiet with him wondering what he would advise me to do. I answer him as though he's actually here with me, "Yeah I know." I know the answer; I know what he would say to me.

I seem to be with him an age, I look over at Hazel who's leaning over the wall looking into the distance. I pick myself up and go join her. Looking at the church clock, it's just after seven; I stare at the pub for a long time, "You don't have to do this, I'm serious Aaron. If it's still too soon we can go."

I shake my head, "No, we're here now," I push my hood down and stare anxiously again at the pub door just ahead of us over the road. I know it's time and I have finally understood to move on I have to face what happened to me in that room. We walk on up-to the pub and Hazel takes a last look at me as she pushes the inner door until its half open. She stops as she realises I'm hesitating; I recognise all the voices inside, it sounds like they are having a party, "I'm scared Hazel."

"I know," she holds her hand out to me; I take it and follow her into the pub.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to everyone for the lovely and encouraging comments. I never intended writing a fanfic, but have actually enjoyed it. Even if it has kind of taken over my life. I haven't got time to write more than one story at once, but if anyone has any suggestions for my next attempt after I have finished this one, feel free to pass them on.  
> Caro


	20. A Hand To Hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron returns to the Woolpack for the first time in almost 11 months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapters 20 - 21 together

The Woolpack - June 7th 2016

Vic is giving Robert and Andy their umpteenth lecture of the day to not get Adam into trouble, Chas joins them, passing Vic a glass of champagne, "Here you go. Right, that's everyone."

"Attention please, attention please, let's have a little decorum." Chas bangs her hand on the top of the bar smiling round at the family and friends gathered as she gets their attention before Turing to Vic and Adam. "Before we all start getting too blathered, I just want to say that, well we all knew you would get your act together eventually....., both of you." Vic and Adam grin at each other, "I'm sure I speak for every one of us here in wishing you both all the happiness in the world. Adam just a little marriage advice love, as long as you remember Vic is always right, then you'll do just fine." Adam is stood with his arms round Vic and grins back at Chas shaking his head; kissing Vic he then rests his chin on top of her head.

"Anyway, in line with tradition, I will keep it short and sweet, so I would like to propose a toast," she beams at Vic and Adam then looks round at everyone else, "Please all raise your glasses to the future Mr and Mrs........" Chas' expression suddenly turns to that of shock and there is a shattering sound on the floor from having dropped her raised glass.

.

Aaron freezes; the shocked stares from everyone who have turned to look at him too much to take in. He turns as if to go back out of the door he has just walked through, but Hazel tightens her hold on his hand, gently pressuring him to stop. He could have pulled away and kept going, but he doesn't, instead he turns sideways in the doorway and looks directly into Hazel's eyes, ignoring the stares of everyone watching them. 

His eyes never move from Hazel's, petrified, frightened if he looks anywhere else he'll lose his courage. Hazel speaks in a hushed voice, gently squeezing his hand, "You can do this Aaron." 

After initial hesitation from the shock if seeing him after all this time, Chas is coming towards him; now almost close enough to touch, but unsure if she dare. Aaron turns his head and the emotion of seeing her again after all this time is rushing through him like a tidal wave solves the problem for her. He instinctively moves towards her and wraps his arms around her, hugging her tightly as he buries his head into her neck. Chas rests her hand on his head, holding him to her as close as possible, slightly swaying him as she whispers into his ear, "Missed you like you wouldn't believe kiddo."

.

Robert - The Woolpack, June 7th 2016

I feel as though I can hardly breathe. I'm already halfway into the car park pulling my keys out of my pocket when I drop them and have to hastily pick them up. Vic is calling me but I ignore her, I just need to get to my car, "Robert....., Robert slow down; wait up."

Unlocking the car and desperate to escape, I get in and start the engine; I don't want to talk to anyone just now, I just need to get out of here. With the car doors locked, Vic is banging on the window trying to persuade me to get out and come back in. I see Andy coming towards us, almost at the car when I press down on the accelerator and drive away without looking back. Vic stares after her brother, looking worried then turns to Andy who is now by her side, "You think we should we follow him?"

"No, let's give him some space; we won't catch him now anyway." They both stare one last time in the direction in which Robert had driven, then Andy puts his arm round his sister's shoulder and they walk back in the direction of the pub.

.

Aaron - The Woolpack, June 7th 2016

After what seems an age, mum lets me go and I avoid looking at anyone, feeling very conscious of their stares; the pub is eerily quiet as they all watch Hazel protectively usher me through, following mum into the back. She had seen my eyes wander, staring at a table not far away and recognised my fear, guessing what might be going through my head. I had reached for Hazel's hand again to calm me down as I felt my panic rising, his hands on my stomach, tracing my scars, laughing at me. The closeness between us hadn't gone unnoticed, but I don't care.

.

I'm stood, hands shoved in my pockets, leaning against the cooker just behind Hazel who is sitting at the table with mum opposite her. It's quiet, no-one quite brave enough to be the first one to break the silence. After a while Hazel made as if to get up, "I should go, leave you two to catch up on your own for a bit."

"No," I move anxiously to stand in front of her so she can't go any further, "Stay.... please," I'm practically pleading.

Hazel gives me a quick but uncomfortable smile as she sits back down; I can feel mum glancing between us as the silence descends again. It's obvious that us being here together isn't a coincidence, I'm avoiding looking at her, I don't really know why, maybe the guilt of leaving like I did.

"So how are you, are you doing okay?" Mum tries her best not to sound too pushy.

I don't answer, I can't seem to get any words out; instead I stare down at the floor, my foot tapping on the carpet. Mum is getting exasperated and looks again between me and Hazel whilst I look over at Hazel, but she's ignoring me, clearly not going to help me out on this one.

Again the silence until mum's' lack of patience finally wins out, "Aaron talk to me love....., it's been so long. I've missed you so much; I just want to know how you are doing, something....., anything."

What's wrong with me, why can't I answer? I know it was my choice to leave, but I have missed her so much and now I am here, I'm just making a mess of it.

"Please love."

I can't, I just can't. It's like my emotions had been building over the last few days without me realising it and now they are crashing over me all at the same time; it's just too much. I bolt out of the door before either of them can stop me, almost running as I head out and through the car park. I don't really take much notice where I'm going until I find myself by the swings and lean against one of the supports, my breathing quickened. Resting my head back I stare up at the sky, being out in the fresh air is helping to calm me down. 

Seeing mum walking over to me gives me the urge to bolt again, but I don't. She doesn't say anything as she sits down on one of the swings and gently pushes herself so she is swinging slightly. She is squinting with the late evening sun keeps catching her eyes as it starts to drop below the tree line. 

"Sorry."

She looks over at me, "That's okay. It must be weird, after all this time."

Finally I dare to look at her. I don't say anything but I go over to sit on the swing next to her and reach out to hold her hand. I don't have the words yet, but I will; mum looks at me and gives me a half smile. 

.

Vic and Andy - 8th June 2016

The night had continued as planned, though Adam said Robert never showed and Chas never made it either. Adam had really wanted to see Aaron, but he knew he needed to wait and that Aaron needed time with Chas first. Vic is in the kitchen making a cup of tea when Andy walks in, she's thinking there will be a few bad heads all round this morning no doubt. Everyone seemed to be having fun, but it wasn't quite as it should have been; Aaron showing up had subtly impacted the evening. 

Vic puts the phone down on the table, exasperated, she's been trying Robert's phone all night and he still isn't picking up. "I'm worried Andy, really worried, what if he does something stupid?"

"Like what? Don't worry Vic, you know Rob, he'll be back." Andy pulls his jacket on getting ready to go up-to the farm, "He just needs a little time, it must have been a shock seeing him after all this time."

"I'm glad for Chas that Aaron's here and she knows he's okay. I'm glad he's okay, but I don't like to think how this will affect Robert. You saw what he was like all that time, it's taken so long for him to get his life back on track; I couldn't bear it to see him go through all that again."

Andy picks up his keys, "It's different now though. Aaron looks okay, they obviously aren't together anymore, but maybe that's a good thing. Also, that's the point, Rob has got his life back on track; he has moved on, going into partnership with Debbie, expanding the garage and the scrapyard is doing well. Look we don't even know if Aaron will stick around."

He gives Vic a quick hug who is still looking worried thee opens the back door, stopping as Vic continues, "I know, but why do I get the feeling there's something more going on. Robert never really told us how he got those marks and I don't get why Aaron was so badly affected by the fire and why he left like that. I mean Robert was there just the same, it doesn't make sense." 

"You know Aaron, things affect him more deeply, remember how you were after the fire and when you fell into the lake that time."

"Yeah, I know, but not to the point of being catatonic and in a psych ward. I mean we don't really know much about what happened that day; Robert has never spoken about it either. I still think there might be something more, there has to be."

.

Robert - 8th June 2016

My head falls down back onto the pillow after a failed attempt to sit up and open my eyes. I put my hand to my forehead, my eyes closed again; Christ almighty my head is pounding, how much did I drink last night? After a little while I manage to open my eyes, not quite ready for a second attempt at sitting up, when it begins to dawn on me I'm not in my own bed. A quick peek under the covers confirms my suspicion that I am naked and that I am not alone. I close my eyes once more whilst debating if I can try again to get up, hopefully without waking the person lying next to me. 

Glancing at my watch tells me it's 8.45am; shit, I am so late for work. I text Debbie to say I'm on my way in, she'll understand and then look around; where the hell are my clothes?

After finally finding my clothes strewn all over the landing and staircase I let myself out, now focusing on the next challenge of trying to remember where I left my car.

TBC


	21. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam has asked Aaron to stay for the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapters 20 - 21 together

Robert - 8th June 2016

After pulling my car into the garage forecourt I don't even bother to go home first for a shower; I grab a spare set of overalls out of the boot and go into the garage where I drag them on over my jeans, "Sorry, slept over, missed the alarm." It's clear no-one believes me and that I'm more than a little the worse for wear after a heavy night drinking. I brace myself for a barrage of jokes and comebacks that usually happens when one of us turns in like this, but this morning it's the opposite and deadly quiet. Cain just looks at me thoughtful like and Ross asks me if I want a coffee which never happens; something tells me it's going to be one of those days.

"You okay?" Debbie walks over handing me a coffee, god do I need that; my mouth feels like I drank a whole brewery last night. 

"Yes, why shouldn't I be?" Debbie gives me a look that tells me not to be an idiot. I shrug my shoulders, "It was just unexpected after all this time."

"Take the day off if you want."

"No thanks, why should I want to take the day off or are you telling me I have to?" I look at her, maybe thinking she is worried about me working on the cars with having drunk so much, but she doesn't normally fuss.

"No, not if you don't want to." I wait for her to continue because her look tells me she has something else she wants to say, "You going to see him?"

I sigh, I suppose it couldn't be avoided, "Depends I suppose on how long he stays for. I'm already behind Debbie, just let me get on otherwise you'll have unhappy customers to contend with and we wouldn't want that now would we." Before she can ask any more questions I don't want to hear, I go and start the service I have on my job list.

.

Vic calls by four times during the day to see that I am okay and it doesn't seem to matter where I go, everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay so by the time I come home I'm more than a little irritated with it. However being here is almost as bad with it being the first thing Andy asks me when I walk through the door so that I finally lose it, snapping, "Will everyone just stop asking me if I'm alright. Yes I'm alright, or I will be if everyone would just leave me in peace."

Vic comes over with her worried mother hen look that she gets, "We care about you, you idiot; you just drove off last night and didn't come back and you weren't answering your phone, anything could have happened."

"Sorry I needed some space that's all, it was a late night and I'm cranky. You don't need to worry, I promise, I just need a shower and then some food okay." After heading into the kitchen I'm pour a glass of water when Adam comes in from work. He looks as if he is about to say something but before he can even open his mouth, I get in first, "Don't you dare ask me if I am alright, I'm just fine. Got it?"

Adam holds his hands up, "Whatever you say." About to go upstairs, I stop and turn back to him to say something whilst he's busy taking his boots off, "Look, if you want to ask him to be your best man on Saturday, I'll understand."

Adam stops, his right boot only half kicked off, not answering straight away; I don't think he'd even thought that far ahead as I see him considering what I've just said, "No, look we don't even know how long he is here for and well, it wouldn't be right to mess you about."

"You wouldn't be, he is your best friend after all," I go on upstairs and into the bathroom for my shower before he can say anything back to me.

.

Adam yells up the stairs to me, "We're off to the pub for a quick pint, you coming?"

I yell back down and spin him a lie, "No, I need to finish off some stuff for the business plan for the garage; we go see the bank tomorrow." He yells back something I don't quite catch and hearing the door bang shut I sigh in relief that they are all finally gone so I can have some peace and quiet. I put some clean clothes on and go downstairs into the kitchen trying to decide if I can be bothered to cook or just get takeaway when I stop in my tracks.

Aaron is leant against the sink in the kitchen, the others must have let him in on their way out; either that or he snuck in. I stare at him a moment then reach up the side of him to get a clean mug off the draining board to make a coffee. "You want one?" We're so close that I can smell him, oddly different yet the same. I look at him as if to say move out of the way so I can get to fill the kettle and he obliges, moving slightly to the side.

"I'll have tea though not coffee, if there's one going." I nod silently. I can feel him watch me as I go through the motions of making our drinks.

.

Despite my coffee being piping hot I take a quick sip and sit down at the kitchen table, at the same time putting his mug down on it, just in front of where he is standing so he can reach. I really don't know what to say; I'd been thinking all day about what I would say to him, I just wasn't expecting it to be here and like this. I'm not prepared and I still have a headache from all the alcohol last night which is not helping so I wait for him to start the conversation. He's the one that has come to see me so I assume he has something to say; I look at him expectantly, waiting.

He pulls out a chair and sits at an angle, round the side of the table to me, "How are you?

Irritated by hearing the words yet again I stand up and turn my back on him, resting my hands on the work surface. I see my own reflection as I look out of the window; it's already quite dark out. Turning round I lean where Aaron was before, pick my mug up off the table and take a drink. I remain silent, not bothering to answer his question.

"Sorry." Aaron is watching me, his hand fidgeting with the mug in front of him. I can't read his expression at all, this just feels so weird.

"What for?" He looks at me as though he doesn't understand the question.

"Well you said sorry, what are you sorry for?" I hear the bitterness in my voice but I don't care.

He shuffles in his seat, looking a little hurt by my attitude but I can't seem to help it, "Not being in touch sooner; just leaving without seeing you I suppose."

I look at him directly in his eyes; this is actually turning out easier to talk to him than I had imagined, "Don't worry about it, I got your letter; it was pretty self-explanatory so no need to be sorry."

I'm not sure he had known any more than me what to expect the first time we saw each other, but this probably isn't anything quite like he had envisioned. Looking increasingly uncomfortable, he tries a different tack, "I'm glad Vic and Adam are finally tying the knot." I nod, staring disinterested into my coffee before taking a drink. I think I'll have pizza, something hot and spicy to take away the taste of alcohol whilst he carries on talking. "Adam asked me if I'd like to stick around until after the wedding and I'd like to if that's okay with you?"

He spoke to Adam then before me, at least I know where I fit in his ranking, "If that's what you want, why not." I don't know why he's asking me anyway, it's not like he needs my permission. 

"It is." Aaron's voice hardens and a short silence hangs which I make no attempt to fill, "Mum is already doing my head in with all her fussing. Paddy is on holiday apparently so we are staying up at the farm. I can't stay in the pub...., you know.....; it's a bit cramped though. I'm not sure how long before Cain and Hazel kill each other."

"Stay at the cottage." I don't know where that came from, I've surprised even myself at saying this. 

He looks at me probably trying to work out if I mean it, "Are you serious?"

I shrug, "It's half yours, your name's on the deeds, not just mine." He looks at me in surprise and I realise he doesn't know this, I had never told him. It was going to be a surprise for the day I eventually convinced him to marry me. "You have your key?" He shakes his head, I go over and pull the spare key that Vic kept out of the pot on the side and put it on the table in front of him.

"Do you mind if Hazel comes too?"

"The more the merrier." He ignores the heavy sarcasm in my voice.

.

Sitting down again at the table, my hand plays with my almost empty mug and he puts his hand on mine, catching me unawares so that I let it stay there for a little longer than maybe I should have. His touch is still electric but I pull my hand out from under his and look away in the other direction. Once more there is an awkward silence between us. Eventually I look back at him, "How long are you here for?"

He shrugs his shoulders, "Not sure, I have to square it with work to stay here until the weekend and then we'll probably head back down south on Sunday." I nod silently.

I feel suddenly exhausted and stand back up; I want him to leave, "Look Aaron, I appreciate the visit, I do, but I don't know why you are here and I really have to go over the business plan for the garage one last time before Debbie and me go to the bank tomorrow. Not sure if you know, but we are looking to expand the garage," I've switched to my arrogant shit mode which clearly touches a nerve, I just want him to go.

"Yeah, I heard." Aaron snaps at me. He had been getting slowly riled up at my constant attitude and gives up trying to find a way through to me, "Back in your element, wheeling and dealing, well you seem to have moved on just fine. I mean you have both my jobs, best man at my best friend's wedding; anything else you want whilst you're at it?"

"No, I don't think so, I have everything I need." I retort angrily, "And well the one thing I wanted left me, so no, I think I'm good thanks."

For an instant he looks shocked at this, but recovers quickly, "Well true to form, Robert fucking Sugden lands on his feet as always."

"Don't you fucking dare come back here and preach at me. You have no idea, no idea. You just left, I get it Aaron, I do, but it's too late. You have no clue as to how it felt to see you like that in hospital, to cling onto every word and ounce of hope that the doctors gave us that you would recover." I glare at him, my voice rising as I get more worked up and all my pent up hurt pours out, "Not even a text, not even a sodding text to say you were alive. You weren't the only one in the pub that day, I have nightmares too; it wasn't just your life that changed forever." I am practically shouting at him now, shocking myself with the vehemence in my voice, "Get out Aaron; just get out." He sees the tear I feel falling down my cheek and comes towards me. He tries to grab my arm but I push him away so hard that he stumbles back, hitting against the table.

.

Until now, I hadn't realised how angry I was with him. I am really angry with him, angry that he left me, for not being there when I needed him, like we were all there for him. Not letting us help him, he never even gave us a chance. It wasn't just his life that felt like it had ended that day in the pub.

He walks over to the front door to leave but turns back holding the door open in his hand, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I do know how much you did for me, what you mum and Paddy all did for me when I was in hospital. I'm sorry I couldn't stay but I just couldn't, it hurt too much to be here, with you, the pub, everything; I couldn't cope with it all." I don't want to hear it and move to stand by the kitchen window again where I stare out with my back to him.

Aaron looks back one last time, "I hope, one day, you'll find a way to forgive me. You need to know I never stopped loving you Robert Jacob Sugden, not for one second that I was away and I never will." He walks out and closed the door behind him leaving me alone to break down.

I am shaking as the tears stream down my face, talking out loud to myself, "I never stopped loving you either Aaron Livesy." I collapse down in a heap on the floor hugging my knees to me until I have no tears left to cry. I hadn't wanted to let him in knowing it would hurt too much but it's too late, Aaron had found a way to get to me just like he always did.

TBC


	22. Crap, Not Again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert suffers the morning after another night out drinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 22 - 23 together

Robert - 9th June 2016

I wake up and my head is pounding. Crap, not again; I don't even attempt this time to try and sit up. I wipe the sleep from my eyes, what time is it? I don't see my watch or phone anywhere. I look around me; nope, definitely not my bed and definitely not my room. Well on the bright side, at least I appear to be on my own this time.

I have absolutely no recollection of how I got here. I remember saying sod it to pizza, had seen the bus and spur of the moment had run for it and gone into Leeds; that I do remember. Brilliant idea Suggers, just brilliant, rubbing my forehead with my hand as if that will help the hangover disappear, which obviously it doesn't. 

I remember going down to The Calls at the bottom end of Leeds; vodka, at least four vodkas and chatting to some random people in a bar. I don't remember anything after that though. I'm not used to drinking spirits much other than a couple of whiskeys and although I don't remember drinking tequila, I can taste it still, so I must have graduated from the vodka to shots. Even better, just bloody marvellous; no wonder I feel like I'm going to die.

I sigh as I finally muster enough energy to sit up. My clothes are neatly folded on a chair not far away; weird, because clearly that wasn't me. I look around again, this is actually a really very nice room; big, it feels kind of like an old loft type of place, modern decor but tastefully done. There's an en suite bathroom even, I look at myself in the mirror and wish I hadn't; am sure whoever won't mind if I have a shower.

I feel better after the shower, well marginally; I definitely look better. I suppose I should go find my phone and the rest of my crap, which I still don't see anywhere after a better look round. Hmmmh, this should be interesting.

.

Out of the bedroom door, I follow the corridor and head down a wide metal open staircase that curls down into a massive open plan room. It's huge, and I mean huge.

Big dining table, I count 10 chairs, with a massive kitchen area to the side, then a sitting area beyond. God its bright in here, I put my hand up to shield the light from my eyes, there are huge windows stretching all the way down one side of the room. I look out to see if I can get my bearings and see we are on the canal; this must be worth a mint. I look around to see if I can see my things, which I spy on the coffee table by the sofa, maybe I will escape unseen after all; there is a god.

"Coffee?" I turn and my mouth drops open, was not expecting him. He walks past me with some papers in his hands as he heads towards the kitchen part. He puts the kettle on and starts to spoon coffee into the cafetière. I nod, speechless, I go sit on a stool at the breakfast bar watching him a moment before I put my head in my hands. He laughs at me. 

I suddenly jerk my head back up, "Shit, what time is it?" 

"Ehhrr, one o'clock," he said looking at his watch. I thought I'd let you sleep seeing how it was well after five when we got in."

I groan into my hands, then bang my head up and down against the kitchen top, but have to stop because it just makes the hangover even worse. Debbie will kill me; our appointment with the bank was at eleven. I go over and pick up my phone. 20 missed calls and I don't even want to look at how many texts. I put it back down and leave it there, well it's too late now so I may as well enjoy my coffee and get rid of the headache before she kills me. He laughs at me again as I shuffle back over to the breakfast bar; this time resting my head face down on the work surface, "I'm such an idiot." 

.

He puts a mug of coffee down in front of me, "Do you remember anything from last night?"

I take a moment to think, "I started off down The Calls and I think somehow ended up down Queens Court way, but if you want more details than that then I'm not so sure." I look back up at him squinting, still finding all the daylight a little too much. I take a huge drink of coffee, hopefully I will manage not to throw it back up; I really don't feel too well. 

Curiosity gets the better of me, "How come I ended up here then, I didn't think that you would want anything to do with me....., well....., you know?"

"I nearly left you there, but you were in such a state, kicking off that they were going to get the old bill to sort you out. What can I say, a moment of weakness."

I look up after a eureka moment, "Jake!" I remember, "you told me your name"; shocked that I remember and even more shocked that he had told me. He smiled at me and nodded, "Yep, one of several rules broken last night." I look at him oddly.

"You really don't remember anything do you?" I do my best to find any kind of memory through the haze, but there's nothing there. I shake my head and then rest it in my hand, my arm leaning at an angle on the kitchen top and watch him whilst he tidies up the kitchen.

He offers me a re-fill; I nod then follow him over to the sofa, I need somewhere proper to rest my head against. I sit down, closing my eyes as I lean back; this is so weird. There is a silence for a while, strangely not uncomfortable.

It had been pure coincidence apparently, he had been out on a birthday bash with some friends, when they had come into the bar, I was already very wasted and causing trouble. He had stepped in to stop me from being arrested and brought me back here to sleep it off. He said I had calmed down by the time we had got back and we had talked a while before going to bed; separately, I might add. Not that I would remember anyway.

. 

"So, you live here on your own?" I ask, suddenly curious. He shakes his head. "Nope, I live with my partner; he is away in China for work." 

I look at him intrigued, "What does he do?"

"Structural Engineer."

Another pause until I say, "Thanks"

"What for?"

"Helping me out last night," I feel embarrassed. I have no idea why though, he has seen every part of me emotionally and physically so I don't know why him seeing me drunk and making an idiot of myself should be a big deal.

His phone rang, he got up and went off chatting to whoever into another room and when he came back in he was putting his coat on, "Listen, I have to go out and help my sister with something; you are welcome to stay if you need somewhere to be for a while. I will probably be back around five, we could have some food.... you know if you need to talk." 

I looked at him oddly, "We talked a little while when we got in, you were rambling a lot but it seemed to help. I'm actually a good listener and well, if not, just let yourself out."

He picks up his keys and leaves. 

I text Andy to let him know I'm still alive and not to worry; I spin a line about just needing some space. I lean back and close my eyes again, getting lost in my own thoughts; what exactly did I tell him?

TBC


	23. You'd Think I'd Be Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert opens up on how he feels about Aaron being back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 22 - 23 together

Robert - 9th June 2016

I must have dropped off to sleep because I wake to find myself lying full out on the sofa. I hear Jake clanking around in the kitchen as I poke my head up above the sofa back, "What time is it?"

"Just after six; I'm doing steak and chips, you want some? There's some fresh bread on the side if you want to be going on with. I nod my head, I am actually starving; he brings me over a coffee and I wander around the room whilst he is making food, it's an interesting space.

"So what do you do then?" I ask.

"Architect."

"Is that how you met your partner?"

"Yep, we were working on a project together and we just clicked; we've been together ever since."

We eat more or less in silence, but that's because I realised I was more hungry than I thought and just kept shovelling the food into my mouth continuously.

Jake clears the dishes away and I go outside onto the balcony watching the comings and goings around the canal; the fresh air feels good. He comes out and has a couple of glasses and bottle of white, "You want one or is it too soon?" 

Why not, I feel almost human again after the sleep and food. I don't feel like facing Debbie's disappointment in me just yet. 

.

He sits on a sofa on the balcony and I am stood leaning against the railing fascinated watching a narrow boat moor up. I turn to him, "Don't take this the wrong way because I'm grateful, but why did you help me? You could have just ignored me and left me there; I mean, you were very clear on the rules last July, why break them, why bring me back here to your home?"

He didn't answer right away, "I could see you were hurting and I didn't want that," he paused, "I know that sounds contradictory, doing what we did, but when you spend time with someone in the way that we did, for as long as we did, you get to understand the other person on a whole different level. You let each other see a part of yourself you wouldn't normally let anyone see. There has to be a strong connection or it wouldn't work, we wouldn't have both got what we needed from it and we did didn't we?"

I nod my head. I thought about this a little bit; he had pushed every boundary I had and saw just about all there is to see. Just because we hadn't talked much, didn't mean we weren't communicating.

"I don't know; I just couldn't leave you there, so for the first time ever I've let someone from that part of my life cross into this. Do you wish I had just left you there?"

"No.... no, I'm glad, it just feels, you know.... weird, me being here in your home." I pick up the glass of wine and drink thinking to myself how strange and fucked up life is sometimes. 

.

"Does your partner know you see other men, what you do with them, are you like that with him?" I immediately wish I'd not asked; it's none of my business, but he didn't seem to mind. 

"Sort of," I look at him quizzically, "we've been together ten years, he's a lot older than me and he's not really interested in sex. I don't think he ever has been really, just not wired that way. We are great together; I don't want to be with anyone else. Let's say we have an understanding, whenever I need sex I can go elsewhere as long as I pay for it and it's not a relationship."

"And does that work?"

"It seems to, he doesn't ask and I don't tell. It's just there."

"Does he know about the other stuff?"

"No, and don't get the wrong idea, I don't do that all the time, it's just when a certain kind of person comes along and pushes a button in me."

"Like with me?"

"Yeah, like with you."

"You have someone else?" I hastily add, "Not that I'm wanting to....., you know....., I don't, just curious."

He shakes his head, "No, not at the moment, not since you." He poured us both another glass of wine, "So are you going to tell me about Aaron then?"

.

I know I need to talk, and well I'm not going to talk to anyone back in Emmerdale so I might as well talk to Jake. He saw what I was like when Aaron was in the hospital and after he left, Jake was actually the only one that ever saw how I really felt.

"What exactly did I tell you last night?"

"That you left your wife for him, but her or her family came for revenge with you both being left for dead in a fire. He was in hospital for a couple of months but when he came out, he couldn't deal and left until he turned up again for the first time this week. Which is why I assume you were out last night getting wasted, but I don't quite get it, because you are clearly still in love with him." 

I have a big drink of wine, not quite sure where to start; I take a deep breath, "He was raped, Aaron was raped," it's the first time I've ever said the words out loud.

Jake didn't respond, just waited for me to continue.

"It should have been me, not him; he didn't deserve that, all because I couldn't let myself be with him when I should have. They came for us and it was Aaron who paid the price."

I take another gulp of wine, "We were in the village pub on our own when they came, our mums run it together. We were trying to make a run for it when I got whacked over the head, out cold. The next thing I knew was when I woke up in the cellar, Aaron was unconscious and the pub was burning."

I sit down, suddenly feeling emotional talking about it after such a long time; the memories are still so vivid that I am trembling.

.

"When I saw him awake for the first time, he was fighting and screaming; I knew something bad had happened, just not how bad. It was only later in the hospital when Paddy, that's his dad... kind of, told me. The doctors had found evidence of him having been beaten and raped, probably more than once but it was difficult to say for sure how many times. He was catatonic for weeks; they said he had shut down as a way to cope." I feel a tear on my cheek, which I wipe away quickly with my sleeve. "We don't know what exactly happened because he never spoke about it."

"Is that what you wanted from me, for me to hurt you like they hurt him?" Jake paused ....., "to use you like they used him?"

I look at him, "Sometimes, I don't know. I had tried to kill myself, but I couldn't do it. I blamed myself and I hated myself; I wanted to be punished because what happened to him was my fault. It was more than that though; when I was with you it was the only time I seemed to feel anything. That sounds so fucked up, but when I was with you, it was the only time I could cry. You would push me so far, I just let go of the emotion, I didn't have the will or the energy to hold it in which is what I did when I was with everyone else."

"I thought we had got through the worst, he had started to get better; we were getting ready for him to come home. I believed we would have found a way to get through it... together...., but back in September he left, wrote a letter and just left; he didn't give us a chance to try. He never got in touch once, not once in all this time, not with anyone," I feel the bitterness creeping into my voice. I get up once more and look out over the water.

.

"It's a good thing though, that he's back, you can try now and work things through?"

I turn back round leaning against the railing, "You'd think so right, you'd think I'd be happy. He came to see me last night, to talk and I just got angry with him and pushed him away. I didn't mean to, I just couldn't help myself. What kind of person does that make me?"

I pause a while, reflecting a little on what to say next.

"In the letter, he'd written that he needed time, but months passed by and I missed him so much. It broke my heart when he left and not knowing if he was alive or dead was frightening. I had nightmares about him and the fire. My step-mum died in a fire, I was so scared; I thought we were going to die, the flames and smoke were everywhere." 

"The hardest part though, he wrote that when he looked at me he was reminded of what happened to him. I know he was trying to explain to me it was part of why he had to leave, but I mean, how am I supposed to feel about that? That the person I love can't stand the sight of me because it reminds him of something so horrific. How do we get past that?"

I look at Jake, but he stays quiet, I suppose there isn't really anything to say; it's not as though he can wave a magic wand and make it all better.

.

I sigh, I feel drained talking about it all, "I know what I went through is no comparison to what happened to him, but I needed him; it's like I died when he left and I couldn't move on without him. I wanted to be there for him, but by leaving he shut me out. The longer he stayed away, the more it felt like he had given up on us, given up on me." 

"I know all this makes me a selfish prick, I know that, but after so long I didn't think he was ever coming back. I had let my family back into my life and with their help eventually, somehow, I managed to move on without him."

"Now he's back, I don't know if I can be with him or even if I want to try. Just because he's suddenly decided he's ready to talk doesn't mean that I can open myself up to all that again. I love him, I always will, but he can't come back into my life after 9 months and expect me to be the same person he left." 

"What did he actually say; did he say he wants to be with you?"

"No," I grudgingly admit, "I wasn't really in a receptive mood to anything he had to say, so we didn't really talk properly."

Jake gave me an admonishing look, "I know, I know, I screwed it up, I just wasn't prepared and reacted badly."

"What are you going to do if he decides to stay?"

"I don't know...., I really don't know."

Jake gets up suddenly, catching me a little off guard, he takes the wine glass out of my hand and puts it on the table, "Come on," I look at him bemused, "I usually go for a walk on the tow path when it's a nice night, it helps me think. You've been sleeping on your arse all day, so you're coming with and you can tell me all about why him." I start to protest. "No arguments Robert, you are going to tell me what made you fall in love with Aaron Livesy."

.

We spent the next couple of hours walking and I tell him about Aaron. It was nice to remember all the good times, although I got a lot of stick for all the stuff where I had been a prize prick. When we get back he makes a coffee, I swear he drinks as much of the stuff as I do. 

"So, here's a question for you," he asks me as he hands me my coffee, "If your step-mum, Diane right?" I nod, "If she were here now and asked you the same question that she asked you when you knew Aaron was leaving, 'who truly makes you happy; who can't you imagine living without?' What would you answer?"

"It's not that simple."

"Isn't it? Robert you are feeling sorry for yourself about Aaron needing time to get over something horrific. What you both went through, you wouldn't wish on anyone and it takes time to heal. But before you got together, you spent what, months, holding onto a life you'd convinced yourself was all you needed, your ten year plan and getting married all whilst treating the person you truly loved like crap. You pushed him away and hurt him over and over, yet in the end you didn't give up on each other; it wasn't easy but you both worked it out and you were happy."

He grabbed onto my arm and made me look at him, "Look from where I see it, you love each other, you admit he is your soul-mate and you don't find one of those around every corner. Give him a chance like he gave you one; if you don't you might spend the rest of your life thinking what if."

He took one last drink of his coffee, "And on that note of wisdom, I'm off to bed, I'll see you in the morning."

"What if I'm not strong enough?"

"Bollocks, we both know that you are." He grins at me, "Oh and I want an invite to the wedding, though I have to warn you I get all sentimental, something about them that always makes me shed a tear."

I watch him head off up the staircase as I sit on the sofa with my coffee. I think I prefer Jake when I was letting him beat the shit out of me, because he makes far too much sense when he talks.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once more to everyone for the warm comments, lots more to come, need to sort out the next bit in my head so not sure when I will post. Sometimes chapters take me ages to get how I want them and them sometimes, they just write themselves. Much appreciated for the Kudos.


	24. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has a plan.

Robert - 10th June 2016

"Yes Adam, yes I am sure. I will be there, I just need to do something so I won't be back until tomorrow morning maybe; it depends. Look, tell Vic I'm fine and I promise I won't let you down. I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world, okay?" I start to get exasperated, "No I'm not on a bender.... no it's nothing illegal, where on earth did you get that idea? Look I have to go, I will see you tomorrow, tell Vic I love her." I cut the call otherwise we will be still talking tomorrow and I have things to do.

Jake comes over, dressed all smart in a suit and I raise my eyebrows; he looks very much the businessman, "Well some of us have got a living to earn, so I'm off; meeting in Manchester. You staying here tonight?"

"Not sure, is it okay if I let you know later?"

"Here's my number, text me when you know what you are doing," he looks at me and can tell I'm having doubts.

This could very well be the stupidest idea in the entire world that I have ever had, "You do know that if this all goes pear shaped and your partner comes back to find me floating in the canal after topping myself, that it will be all your fault, you do realise that?"

Jake grins at me, "It'll be fine and well, if it doesn't work, you will think of something else...... or you could just grovel until you wear him down." 

The door buzzer sounded, "That must be for you; seriously, have some faith in yourself....and in Aaron," Jake gives me a quick hug which I wasn't expecting before he goes to open the door, "Go on through, he's in the kitchen," and carries on out of the door.

.

Paddy comes through practically walking into the table as he is too busy staring, a little in awe at the size of the place. I laugh at him, "I know; it's big right?"

"Big... its huge," he manages to come over to the breakfast bar and sit down without bumping into anything else on the way. Laughing I click my fingers in front of him as he is still gawping around at the place.

"Sorry, yes... you have my full attention," then seriously, "so how big a mess did you actually make of it?"

"Have you spoken to him?"

"No, not yet, Chas only got a hold of us yesterday. I called by the pub as soon as we got back but Chas said they weren't expecting us that early so him and Hazel had gone off for the day; something about Hazel wanting to see York Minster and needing to buy suitable clothes for the wedding. She said she'd call when they get back."

It had been hard for Paddy and Chas after Aaron left, we hardly interacted for a long time, any of us. It was Paddy who brought us all back together. Back in January, he invited us all over to Smithy Cottage for dinner on Aaron's birthday. I wasn't going to go, but I had changed my mind at the last minute. We ate, had a few drinks and we talked about him for the first time properly since he had left. 

We had all shared the experience of being with him in hospital, all the worry and ups and downs through his treatment, to then lose him; and it doesn't matter how you word it, we all felt we had lost him. We had just dealt with it in different ways. Chas had thrown herself back into the pub with Diane; Paddy had the surgery, Rhona and Leo; and me, well I had pulled away, distancing myself from everything and everybody. 

It had felt good that night reminiscing, laughing about some of the stupid stuff he had got up-to over the years. It was what we had needed.

.

"So what do you think?" I ask Paddy nervously.

"You seriously want to know what I think?"

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't, you know him as well as anybody. I don't want to pressure him and I don't trust myself to talk to him without screwing it up."

"There's no guarantee it will work, you know that right?"

"I know, I just thought even if he decides not to stay, if it's not what he wants then at least he wouldn't be on his own and would have somebody to talk to. Hazel's not going to be around forever, what will he do when she next goes off on her travels? You know it's not for him and Aaron never was a person with lots of friends, this way he would have an unconditional love which he deserves."

"He still might not accept it, why don't you just talk to him?" 

"I'm scared Paddy, I'm scared that if I screw it up this time, I might not ever get another chance and I don't think I would get over that," Paddy looks at me surprised at my lack of confidence, "Will you help me?"

.

Robert - 11th June 2016

Jake offered to give me a lift back to Emmerdale, but I didn't want anyone to see and get the wrong idea, you know what small villages are like for getting the wrong end of the stick. I get off the bus and head to Debbie's, I owe her an explanation and I had left it long enough; better to let her kick off at me now than later as she does have rather a sharp temper. I knock on the door, I get a withering glare, "You'd better come in."

As it turns out, she had spun a line about a family emergency; she had done the presentation and the bank had approved the loan. They would have been daft not to, it is a solid plan; we had put together a good presentation and the numbers stack up. I told Debbie the truth about why I wasn't there and she understood, but she was still pissed at me though because it was supposed to be me doing the talking, being gifted at the gab so to speak. Personally I think Debbie underestimates herself, she is a powerful lady when she has a mind to want.

As I went home to get changed, I thought to myself, I wish I had that same confidence and gift of the gab when it comes to Aaron. 

.

As we walk onto the church Adam was fidgeting and nervous, he hates being in a suit and tie as much as Aaron. He kept asking me every two minutes that I was sure I had the rings with me, to the point that he was making me doubt myself, but I knew they were safe and sound in my waistcoat pocket. I had texted Andy to tell him we were on our way to church, he texted back I would be bowled over how beautiful Vic looks. I could tell how proud he is.

I had got dressed so quickly I hadn't had time to put my tie on, so when we got to the church I nipped into the toilets to find a mirror, it had to be right on Vic's big day. I put my tie on, had a pee and was washing my hands when the door opened and Aaron walked in. I had to smile, one because we used to spend so much of our time stealing quick moments in the bogs and secondly when I turned around he took my breath away. I just stood staring at him with my mouth open to the point I think he blushed.

I suddenly realised how I was staring at him, thinking he probably wouldn't appreciate it especially from me, I felt so embarrassed that I legged it without a word. What is wrong with me, how am I supposed to get him to give me a chance when I can't even have a conversation with him like a normal person? I just keep screwing up with him. 

.

Andy was right, Vic looks amazing. She is beautiful walking down the aisle on his arm; mum and dad would be so proud. My concentration though is not on the service; the chairs for the best man and bridesmaids had been set out at a slight angle to the others so I could look out over the congregation. Aaron is sat with Hazel towards the back, but the line of sight is perfect and I couldn't keep my eyes off him; the thing which scared me the most, he never once stops looking at me either. I saw him laugh at me as Adam has to kick me when it is my part to give him the rings; I am so distracted looking at Aaron that I had stopped listening to the vicar ages ago.

The do afterwards was at the pub but Aaron and Hazel would not be there. Aaron didn't want to be in the pub at all I knew from Chas already. Aaron and Hazel were planning to leave tomorrow, but they are going over to Paddy and Rhona's for dinner tonight; this was part of the plan.

.

I didn't trust myself not to screw it up with Aaron, so I had taken a leaf out of his book and written a letter, telling him what he means to me and basically asking him to give me a second chance, but it came with a gift. That's where I had been with Paddy yesterday, we had picked up a border collie from the rescue centre, he is beautiful but nervous around people having been neglected by his previous owner. I fell in love with him immediately, he reminds me of Aaron somehow. 

Even if Aaron doesn't want me or Emmerdale I thought having a dog for company will give him someone to talk to other than Hazel. I know from Paddy how attached he was to Clyde when he was younger, I just thought he might like it. Like I said, maybe the most stupid idea ever, but worst case if Aaron rejects him and/or me, then I would keep him because if that happened then I am going to need all the help I can get. I named him Charlie, Aaron will get why.... I think.

I had entrusted both letter and Charlie to Paddy to give to him tonight. 

So that was the plan. I'm regretting it already, Paddy was right, I should have just found the courage to talk to him, but this is potentially the rest of our lives we are talking about it and I don't trust myself to find the right words. Judging by my previous encounters, my track record since he had been back is not confidence inspiring.

.

Robert - 12th June 2016

I didn't sleep at all, but I had forced myself to keep away. Paddy had said I need to let it play out and let Aaron come to me. Easier said than done Mr Kirk, easier said than done.

I look at my watch, nine-thirty, a respectable time of day to venture out. I went to the coffee shop and asked Bob for an americano and he had the usual banter talking about the wedding yesterday and asking me if I had plans for the day.

I couldn't help myself, I am so full of anticipation that I told him I was going across to catch Aaron before they leave and was heading over there after my coffee.

Bob hesitates, "Oh."

I look at him, "What, Oh?"

Bob looks a little uncomfortable, "Well, they were in earlier, him and Hazel, they have left already; about a half hour ago."

I freeze for a moment absorbing what he had just said, "Forget the coffee Bob, sorry," I bolted out as quickly as I could, struggling to breathe, then when I got outside it got even worse. I was about to go to the cottage to check when I saw Paddy stood outside their place talking to Pearl. He had Charlie with him, he saw me staring and looked like he was calling my name, but let's face it there's nothing he can say that will make me feel any better. It was clear; Aaron had left and hadn't even taken Charlie with him. I don't know how to describe the feeling, I stepped backwards a couple of paces, Paddy is coming towards me, but I turn and ignore him; picking up speed I go to my car, get in and drive away as fast as I can, tears streaming down my face.

.

I drive out through Otley and go up the Chevin. There are the usual walkers around but I am in a world of my own. I am so stupid, why would I think that something like that would work? Let's face it, the reason he left the last time was that I reminded him of what happened, why would that change? I am an idiot to think we might find a way to get past that; I had ruined any chance when he had come to see me the other night and I had acted out, the selfish prick he had always called me out to be.

I stayed out on the Chevin all day, walking and thinking. I know my home is Emmerdale and I will stay there, I just have to find a way to forget him and deal. I made a decision though, I will sell the cottage, there is no point keeping it; I won't ever live there without him. I think that's the reason I had hung onto it, a hope somewhere in the distant future that we would live there again. I just need to ask Chas to send him the paperwork to consent for his half.

I get back into the village, I look at the clock, it's around seven, I sneak in home, I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone. I open the fridge and look what there is to eat or drink. What the hell, I take out a bottle of champagne and grab a glass from the side and head back out. I find myself on the steps of the cricket pavilion. I think back to when we had come here that day last April. It was the first time I asked him to marry me; he had laughed at me then, same as every time afterwards and every time I told him I would eventually get him to say yes. I pour myself a glass. I hear my phone going off, I had ignored it all day by leaving it in the car; it was just Paddy again. I switch it off and throw it back down by my side. I make a silent toast to Aaron and drink.

.

Waking up with a pounding headache is really becoming a bad habit that I have to stop, I don't know how drunks do it day after day; I wipe away dribble from my chin. I roll onto my back, my bones aching; sleeping outside on the hard wooden deck of the cricket pavilion is not to be recommended. I put my hand to my forehead, clearly still not having learnt that this will not make the hangover go away. 

I can feel the sun and the damp of the early morning dew. I open my eyes and squint, the brightness a little too much at first attempt. I let my head roll to the other side so I can open my eyes without the direct impact of the sun to see Aaron sat against the pavilion door staring at me in mild amusement. I close my eyes again, because I must be dreaming, but nope, he is still there when I look again. I sit up but the movement is too much and have to lie back down again groaning, as I hear him laughing at me.

TBC


	25. The Idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Aaron's decision to stay comes about and leads to Robert accepting that he is indeed an idiot!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 25 and 26 Posted together

Aaron - 13th June 2016, Smithy Cottage

"You are an idiot, you know that?" Paddy prodded Robert hard in his right shoulder pushing him backwards slightly, "an idiot."

"Yes, alright Paddy," says Robert looking sheepish, "I get it, I'm an idiot," as he sits down at the table in Paddy's kitchen, the effects of his hangover visibly taking their toll. 

"Yes, well just so we are clear on that," Robert is looking at me pleadingly for help, but I ignore him and carry on making coffee. He can see me laughing, this is classic Paddy; how many times he had done this to me so it is amusing to see Robert, of all people, now on the receiving end.

Robert rests his head face down on the table and I finally take pity on him as I put his coffee in front of him saying to Paddy, "I thought you were going to take Leo down the swings?" 

"Hmmh, yes we are," and as if on cue Rhona appears with Leo and they get ready to leave, "Right then, well," and then to me as though this was my fault he says, "just make sure he doesn't throw up in my kitchen."

"Yes Paddy," I have missed this, "Have fun Paddy," I say smirking as I hold Leo for Rhona whilst she puts on her jumper. She gives me a conspiratorial smile; we both know he is only so annoyed with Robert because he was worried to death about him doing something stupid yesterday after we couldn't get hold of him to explain.

"We'll see you later," says Paddy as he goes out of the door, followed by Rhona who first cheerfully pats Robert on the head, "Byeee" a glint in her eye as he groans again, raising his hand to wave them off whilst leaving his head firmly planted on the table.

As the door closes to, he half lifts his head, staring at the coffee mug and then looks over to me; I know this look, he is after sympathy. No chance, I just keep laughing at his suffering; he has that adorable vulnerable look on his face.

Dinner on Saturday night had been good, if not quite what I had been expecting.

.

Aaron - 11th June 2016, Smithy Cottage

Knowing that I wouldn't want to go to the pub for the do after and the fact we are leaving tomorrow, Paddy has invited me and Hazel over for dinner. It was really nice to spend time with Paddy and Rhona; I am enjoying myself, it feels almost like old times. After we had done eating Rhona shooed me and Paddy out of the kitchen whilst her and Hazel do the washing up when Paddy said he has something for me. I am curious as I follow him into the surgery; he goes and gets something out of his office drawer, but then turns to me looking all serious sitting half on his desk. I laugh at him but am now feeling nervous as I stand, leaning back against the filing cabinet, not quite sure what he is up to.

"You know when you left, it left a big hole in a lot of people's lives," I feel myself stiffening; I wasn't prepared for a lecture from Paddy. He could see me feeling the temptation to leave and he gently pushes me back before I could go anywhere, "No Aaron, you need to hear this," I begrudgingly lean back again.

He was looking at me directly, "It was hard for all of us not knowing if you were alive or not. I think that was the worst part, the not knowing; but Robert, he took it worse than all of us. You wouldn't have recognized him; he withdrew completely, a complete shadow of the person he was. If Adam hadn't found him that night, I don't know if he would have made it like that much longer," I looked at him questioningly, but he just said, "You'll have to talk to Adam or Robert."

He continued, "What I'm trying to say is, it took him a such a long time to find a way to cope and move on, so when you came back it threw him which is probably why he reacted so badly when you went to see him the other night; he wasn't prepared."

I looked away from Paddy, remembering how we had quickly gotten into our argument and Robert yelling at me to leave; it stings still just thinking about it.

He asked me to give you this, because he doesn't trust himself to not screw it up," Paddy hands me a letter. "He will probably never tell you this himself, but he's frightened, he's frightened Aaron of losing you, that if you leave that you'll never come back." I look at the envelope not quite sure what to do. 

Paddy goes to the doorway back into the house, "Take whatever time you need," giving me one last intense look and then he goes back to join the others.

I move to sit on Paddy's desk chair, staring at the letter in my hand, trying to decide if I should open it or just leg it. I open the letter and read it, I am crying so much by the time I get to the end I struggle to read his final sentence with instructions to go into the operating room where he had left a gift for me. As I open the door, I am almost knocked over by an excited Charlie who had been cooped up in there for a few hours. I sit down on the step as he nervously comes sniffing around, checking me out; I couldn't resist him. 

Robert knows me too well I think to myself; he isn't the only one who is scared by the future.

The thing was, Robert needn't have written the letter, I had already made my mind up I was staying. Seeing him in church had reminded me how irresistibly drawn we are to each other, still not able to keep our eyes away from each other when we are in the same room even after all this time apart and everything that has happened. I had realised that I am in love with him as much now as I ever was and being at the other end of the country wouldn't make that go away. Spending the evening with Paddy and Rhona had only reinforced my decision to stay. 

I know that there are still going to be some tough days; it's not going to be easy being back here. I have to face my fears, but I am no longer going to let what happened keep me from my home and it is; Emmerdale is my home. Robert, Paddy and Chas are my home.

When I walk back into the lounge with Charlie I can feel their apprehension, unsure how I had reacted and what I had decided to do. I could see that Hazel was now in the loop.

.

It was late when we go back to the cottage and I feel exhausted, it has been an emotional few days one way or another. I had decided I would go see Robert first thing in the morning, before taking Hazel back to Eastbourne. I could get the rest of my stuff and sort things out with work then get the train back up north. Charlie would stay with Paddy until I got back.

.

Aaron - 13th June 2016, Smithy Cottage

Robert was looking at me unsure if he believed me, "Yes, I came round and knocked at the door. There was no answer, so I decided to get going and told Paddy to come round and see you to explain for me. I promise; I had banged on the door...., loudly. It's not my problem if you are deaf," I grin at him.

"I must have been in the shower, I never heard you," Robert shrugs at me. 

"Paddy said you had just run off when you saw him. He found out from Bob that he had told you we had already gone and assumed you must have thought the worse. You really should answer your phone more; you almost gave Paddy a heart attack. I tried calling you to the point that I had moved onto swearing at you....., lots....., I wouldn't recommend listening to the messages."

Robert just smiled at me sheepishly apologetic. "What can I say, like the man says, I'm an Idiot."

TBC


	26. No Pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron talk about re-building their life together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 25 and 26 Posted together

Robert - 13th June 2016 

Chas was so happy she could hardly contain herself when Aaron told her he was staying; I was stood against the doorway between the kitchen and lounge at Paddy's watching when he told her; she was like an excited school girl. It's weird, sometimes Aaron and her are so different and then at times they are so scarily similar. I won't ponder that thought too much seeing how I want to spend the rest of my life with him. She was a little put out that she hadn't been let in on the plan, but she also admitted that probably she would have struggled to give Aaron the space he needed. 

There is quite a bit to be decided. Would Aaron stay at the cottage and what would he do for work? This is potentially a touchy subject, as he had quite rightly pointed out when we had argued, I now had both his jobs and more. I had been thinking about though and had run my ideas past both Adam and Debbie and they were good with it as long as Aaron was okay with it. Then in the background there is the unspoken topic of the pub; he won't go in and avoids even looking at it when he passes.

Well we knew it wasn't going to be easy.

.

Later in the day we head over to the coffee shop, Chas had to go to work and we couldn't stay under Paddy and Rhona's feet all day. Besides we need to talk properly, this is as good a place as any and I am feeling hungry. We find a quiet corner and sit opposite each other.

"Thanks Bob," as he brings over our drinks.

"I hope I didn't put my foot in it yesterday?" he says a little contritely.

I shake my head, "No, I manage that perfectly well all by myself."

"Good, your sandwiches will be over in a bit."

Charlie is exploring, in and out of everything, but doesn't stray far from Aaron; already in such a short space of time I can tell they will be good for each other. Aaron sees me staring at him, "Not getting jealous are you?"

"No, I'm glad," Charlie actually seems to quite like being around me, but you can tell already he has an extra special attachment to Aaron. I know who he would choose if he had to. 

I rub my head a little bit; there is still a lingering after effect of hangover. Aaron looks at me seriously, "I don't have to worry about you having an alcohol problem, do I?" 

I lift my head, "No," I look at him a little bit shocked, "What gives you that idea?"

"Village gossip is that this is the 3rd night in a week."

"Since when do you listen to village gossip?" I sit shaking my head amused, "No Aaron, it's just been one of those weeks; I promise, I do not have an alcohol problem."

"Good, by the way you might get a bit of stick; apparently you were seen asleep on the cricket pavilion early doors." I laugh. I'll live, they've seen a lot worse.

.

Bob brings over the sandwiches; Aaron's amused as I almost gobble the first half down almost whole.

"So," I start out, "I have been thinking....., no snide comments please," I see Aaron about to say something sarcastic before I shut him down and continue, "I called Adam and he's okay with it, the scrap yard has been doing well and is making more profit sooner than we expected so Adam has already got his initial investment back," I steal a quick look at him as I take another bite into my sandwich, no reaction so far, so I keep going, "I was thinking we should split the ownership three-way and I become a silent partner again; with the loan for the expansion plans at the garage being approved I would need to spend all my time on that anyway and Adam wouldn't be able to manage by himself," I pause, "What do you think?"

I stop talking now and try to judge his reaction; he's so hard to read sometimes.

"And Adam's okay with that?"

I shrug, "He seems to be, but you could talk to him yourself." I'm suddenly feeling that this might be too soon; I should have waited, "You don't have to decide now, it was just a thought."

I look down at my mug, silently kicking myself that I might have already put my foot in it when he puts his hand on mine and makes me look at him, "Hey, I think it's a good idea, it would be nice to get back into a routine and spending time with Adam will be good. Let me talk to him to be sure first though."

I realise there is something I need to tell him, there is always something that reminds me this isn't going to easy, "He knows, Adam knows what happened to you, not Vic or Andy, just Adam."

Aaron stares at me, I feel him tense, but he doesn't pull away his hand. "I know Cain told me," I was surprised, but I'm glad I had told him. If we are going to move forward, we have to find a way to come to terms with what happened that day and I think we are both very aware that will take time and it won't be easy.

I asked Bob for another americano and Aaron a tea as he was passing.

.

This time it was Aaron's turn to go, "I was thinking about where I would live," I have been dreading this part of the conversation. Since he came back I crave him all the time, it takes all my effort to keep my hands off him, but I am frightened of scaring him or triggering something. It feels like we are going to have to re-learn how to be a couple again.

"The cottage," he takes a drink of his tea, "I like what you've done with the place, it's even a little too minimalist for Hazel's simple tastes," I'm lost in my thoughts a little, when he kicks me to get my attention. 

"What?" I look up startled, "Sorry, was just thinking about something."

He laughs at me, "I said I want to stay at the cottage." 

I look at him, "Okay, but I have a confession to make. I burnt all our things, well almost all our things, hence the minimalist touch."

He looks at me a little shocked, "I had been having a rough time and all the stuff.... it just reminded me.... reminded me that you weren't there." I rush on, "I mean we didn't have too much stuff anyway, we had never got around to it; remember you wanted to redecorate first but was taking your time over it." I look at my feet guiltily and then back up at Aaron, "Sorry." 

He didn't say anything for a little bit, "Well, we'll just have to make a fresh start and I promise you I won't take as long with the decorating this time. I do seem to remember that the reason it was taking so long last time, was that we couldn't agree on a colour, so as long as you let me do the choosing, it won't take long."

"Deal."

"There's one more thing though," he gets up and comes round and sits next to me, our knees are touching; the sensation it triggers in me ripples through my entire body, god I've missed his touch. 

"I want you to come back and live with me," now it was my turn to be shocked. I wasn't expecting this, not so soon.

"I thought you might prefer it if I stay where I am, to give you some space; you know, no pressure," I silently add to myself I don't know how I will be able to keep my hands off him, that everything about him turns me on. Although I have no idea how far he's moved on, I am pretty certain he hasn't let anyone touch him in that way since we were together last July. 

"I don't like being on my own at night, I am used to having Hazel close. I still get nightmares sometimes, not as much as before, but It helps knowing someone is nearby." He senses my hesitation, he turns to the side and forces me to look at him, but I look away, "What is it? Talk to me Robert."

"It scares me. I don't know.....; what about if you move in with Vic and Adam and I move into the cottage?"

"What scares you, the truth remember."

I take a deep breath, "It's all moving so quick, but I never stopped loving you as much as I tried. I couldn't and now that you are here," I move away from him so we are no longer touching. I am suddenly self-conscious almost looking away from him like I am ashamed, "when I'm with you I want to touch you all the time, to hold you, to make love to you; but I know that it's not that simple and I'm frightened of hurting you, of pushing you to do things that you are not ready to do."

Aaron is taking a moment to consider what I'd said, he puts a hand on my face and turns it to him, but this means I can no longer hide the tear running down my face. "I don't want to go to Vic's I want to be in our own home, with you. Robert, we will find a way to make it work, I know you won't make me do anything I don't want to, I trust you; I need you, not Vic, Adam or Andy, but you."

.

Bob comes over, a little hesitantly not really wanting to interrupt, "Sorry lads, but it's closing time, I'm going to be locking up soon."

I nod, "What do we owe you?"

"Nothing, call this a welcome home freebie."

We get up, ready to leave and I say, "Thanks Bob." 

We go outside where Charlie is running around all excited again and Aaron smiles at him watching him stick his nose in the flower pots. I look at Aaron having decided, "Come on you; let's go home."

Aaron smiles at me and does something he hardly ever did even before; he holds my hand pulling me gently in the direction of the cottage.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had holiday this last few days which is why I have managed to post quite a bit. Work will be intense this week and I have a lot on next weekend but will try to post by end of next weekend hopefully.


	27. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron settle into life back at the cottage

Aaron and Robert, June 13th 2016

Robert suddenly feels apprehensive as they approach the cottage; it feels so strange returning after all these months, not having been back since Halloween. Aaron feels Robert getting tenser the closer they get, "You okay?"

Robert hesitates outside the door, he pulls away from Aaron and puts some distance between himself and the door; he says quietly, "You don't know how long since I was last here. I wasn't me then."

"What do you mean?" 

Robert looks at him with sad eyes, "I died when you left." He pauses, reflecting a minute, "The last time in I was in this house, I felt dead. I don't know how else to explain it."

Aaron understands what Robert means, this is how he feels about the pub; but this isn't the pub, this is their home, a place full of nothing but happy memories. 

Aaron goes to Robert and turns him so they are facing each other. Standing close, he puts his hand around the back of Robert's neck pulling his head forward slightly so their foreheads are almost touching, "Do you know what this house means to me?" Robert looks at him, "I remember you laughing at me for my three colour wardrobe and my crappy taste in ties, you bringing me breakfast in bed. I remember you making me the happiest I have ever been in my life and I might not be there yet, but I remember how you made me feel when we made love; I remember that first night together in this house, it was the most amazing night of my life. That's what I feel about this house."

Robert gives him a slight smile, but it isn't the Robert that Aaron remembers; this is a Robert he has never seen before. Aaron is sure that Robert would not have gone inside if he hadn't been there with him. As Aaron unlocks the door, he takes Roberts hand again and guides him inside, "You know what else I feel when I see this house?" Robert shakes his head silently. "The need for a good spring clean," Aaron squeezes Robert's hand who gives him a weak smile, "I'll see if I can't sweet-talk mum and Diane to help out." 

Charlie is jumping up and down around their feet. Aaron kneels down and grabs hold of him, "Hey you, this is your new home, say hello to your new home," he stands up with Charlie in his arms, looking at Robert concerned at how so quiet he has become. Paddy's words from Saturday night begin to have some resonance with him, 'he was a shadow of the person he was'. Well, they both have their shadows, they are just going to have to learn how to step away from them one by one and this is Robert's turn.

He puts Charlie into Robert's arms, taking him by surprise, "Right, let's go find a bowl for some water for Charlie and you can take him for a walk; and personally although Vic tells me you have talents in the kitchen department, I'm not sure I want to risk it just yet, so let's order pizza. What do you want?" he asks as he pulls up the nearest pizza delivery place on his phone. 

.

Pizza just having arrived along with some beers, Aaron is already on his first beer watching Robert and Charlie make their way down the path and then come inside where they all settle in for the evening. Robert sits on the floor, leaning back against the sofa where Aaron sits with his legs stretched out across the cushions and they start to tuck into their food, "Well, I hope you have some scintillating conversation Mr Sugden, because I note the TV is gone," Aaron puts his empty can onto the floor, pulling a second from out of the plastic bag on the floor by the side of Robert, but on the way back up he lets his head rest on Robert's shoulder. "Did you burn that as well?" he whispers into Robert's ear. 

Robert turns his head to look at him and nods, "Only a load of rubbish on these days anyway," but Aaron notes he gets a real smile this time.

"Well you know what your first job is tomorrow then, don't you? In fact I'll do you a shopping list," Aaron says as he pulls himself up and lays back out on the sofa.

.

After polishing off the Pizza and a few cans later, they quietly watch Charlie, laughing at him get used to his new home. He is entertaining enough running in and out of everything; they don't need a TV. Aaron, still laid out on the sofa, which may be battered but super comfortable, one of the reasons they had kept it, is beginning to feel drowsy; his eyes keep closing, it has been a long day.

They both were feeling tired, but neither quite knew how to make the first move. Robert yawns and turns round, resting his chin on his folded arms on the sofa cushions. "I can sleep in the spare room, if that's what you want?" but Aaron shakes his head, "No Robert, I meant it, I need you. I have missed you too; I might not be ready for a lot of things but I want to be near you, I want to wake up with you."

They head upstairs, close to each other but not touching as Aaron goes straight into the bathroom to clean his teeth and change into his jama bottoms and t-shirt that he sleeps in. Robert realises all his stuff is still over at Vic's and isn't sure what to do; he decides in the end just to lie on top of the duvet with his clothes on, waiting for Aaron to finish up in the bathroom. Charlie comes up and jumps on top of him catching him by surprise and making him laugh as he watches him then run off looking for Aaron.

Aaron comes back in with Charlie in tow and was about to make some joke about Robert having to get used to sharing him, when he realises Robert is already asleep. Aaron gets into bed and watches him, this used to be one of his favourite things to do in the mornings because he always woke before Robert. He leans over and kisses Robert on his forehead, "Sleep tight Robert Jacob Sugden," he snuggles down under the duvet but leaves his arm out, resting it lightly across Robert. 

.

Aaron and Robert, June 2016

Aaron is enjoying working again with Adam at the scrap yard and Charlie has soon made the village his home, both annoying and delighting various residents in equal measure. Robert has moved all his stuff in and they had gone shopping together so at least now they have the basics of what a home needs.

Aaron still won't go near the pub, but Robert doesn't mind about not going in for his evening pint. He was just enjoying watching Aaron and Charlie mess around in their home and they always managed to pull him in to their games. They had bought a TV, but Robert can't remember actually switching it on since they first set it all up. Vic, Adam and Andy came round one night and Vic cooked for them; Chas and Diane brought some homely touches to the house and helped them give the place a good spring clean. Aaron got a hilarious photo of Robert with a yellow duster on his head and a feather duster on a stick in his hand, which he has vowed will stay on the fridge for a good while to come; in full view for everyone to see.

It's amazing how quickly settled they already feel after still being only a week back into their own home. During the day, Charlie goes with Aaron to the scrap yard, Robert is working long hours with Debbie at the garage to get all the new setup done just how they want it. Aaron and Charlie usually end up there after work, where Aaron will do a few hours for Debbie until they are finished and then they both come back home. The day usually ends with them taking Charlie out for his evening walk before going back home to bed.

.

It was on the Monday that Aaron felt a pang of insecurity. Robert had gone off to some meeting in Leeds and had forgotten his phone, leaving it lying on the table. Aaron wouldn't normally have looked at it, but he knocked it onto the floor by accident. Neither of them ever had locks on their phones, it was an agreement they had from living together before, after their no secrets discussion. On falling it had flicked the messaging screen on and when Aaron picked it back up he couldn't help but see the last the text and it caught his attention. 

As he read he is surprised by the familiarity and openness in the message trail, Robert is talking about how he feels; they talk about Aaron. He suddenly felt caught up in doubt, Aaron trusts Robert and there is nothing in the texts to suggest that anything is going on; but this is clearly someone close to Robert, somebody who knows him well, so why has he never heard Robert mention him.

.

Robert comes in all full of it, he always does after a meeting has gone well, but he knew that something wasn't quite right as soon as he walked through the door. Aaron is sitting at the kitchen table, he never could hide his feelings, it was written all over his face and in his body language; something is bothering him. 

Whatever it is though, he doesn't seem to want to be the one to start the conversation, because he doesn't say anything when Robert comes into the kitchen and starts to make a coffee. Robert takes his tie off and puts it over the back of a kitchen chair; he keeps glancing at Aaron who still hasn't said anything, "So are you going to tell me what's bugging you?"

Aaron is fidgeting with his mug of tea which was cold, only half drunk, "Who's Jake?" as he pushes Robert's phone towards him across the table.

Robert was quiet for a moment, he pours his coffee and sits opposite Aaron looking across at him, "It's not what you might be thinking; he is a friend. He is the one who made me see I was being such an idiot when you came back and he is probably the reason why I am still alive," Robert paused, "Jake is someone that you need to meet."

This wasn't quite what Aaron had been expecting to hear, he looked at Robert to see if there was any hint of him trying to pull the wool over his eyes or hide anything, but as far as he could tell he was being truthful with him.

TBC


	28. A Dangerous Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert tries to explain to Aaron about Jake.

Robert - Monday 20th June 2016

We go on out of the cottage and head up-to the cricket pitch, Charlie walking ahead. We are both quiet along the way, Aaron doesn't have his defences up but he is keeping a deliberate distance between us as we walk. I debate whether to just tell Aaron about Jake as a friend, maybe I should never tell him; but it would be like betraying his faith in me to keep the promise. 

I had always said I would tell him about what I did, about Jake, but when the time was right; the deal still stands, no secrets. It's just not exactly the kind of thing I want to tell him when things are still quite fragile between us. This didn't mean putting it off indefinitely, but I had wanted to give us some time to get used to life together again first. 

Fifteen-sixteen months ago I would have just lied without giving it a second thought, protect my life plan; that was what always came first. Giving in to my love for Aaron changed me in ways I never thought possible, but in many ways I am still the same, reacting not thinking when threatened or at risk of losing something I want. When Aaron is with me, he sees through all the shit; he gives me more balance and softens the edges. At this particular minute I think I would give a lot to have the old Robert back; to hide and lie, because this might just be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in my life. 

I know deep down I need to take the risk and tell him everything now, if I don't it will always be there at the back of my mind that I kept this from him; plus he has this really irritating knack of being able to tell if I am keeping something from him. One way or another it would come out and then everything would be even worse. 

The problem is he may see it anyway as a betrayal of my love for him, and that's not how it was, not how it is; it's the exact opposite. How do I find the right words to make him understand this?

.

We are sat on the cricket pavilion steps, this is where we seem to come to talk; away from everything and everyone else, our neutral ground. Charlie is running around entertaining himself, he keeps looking at Aaron, expecting him to join in. Usually Aaron is running around with him, but not tonight.

Jake knows that one day soon I intend to talk to Aaron; it was one of the things we had discussed when I was staying at his. Jake even suggested that he should explain to Aaron, but I need to be the one to tell him. If he wants to talk to Jake after then fine but he needs to hear it first from me. God, what if Aaron loses it completely and somehow Alex, Jake's partner, gets caught up in the cross-fire; we never even discussed what would happen then, I have no idea. I always thought I would have time to do some ground work and prepare everyone, not like this, out of the blue.

I don't know how to even start; I turn Aaron to look at me, "I wasn't hiding Jake from you, he is just a friend. This last week, I was so focussed on us, our family and friends here....., the important stuff, that I didn't even think to mention him."

"I was always going to tell you about him, I just wanted to wait a little; we are still working the simple stuff out and how I met him and what happened, this is not easy for me to explain and probably even harder for you to get your head round," I pause, but Aaron doesn't say anything, "We promised no secrets, so I will tell you everything, but believe me when I say I don't even understand this myself. Just promise me you will take some time before judging me." Aaron remains quiet but looks uneasy, not agreeing nor disagreeing to this.

.

"Jake is someone I met when you were in hospital. It was the end of last July and it had been a bad day, worse than usual; I had just needed to get some air and had gone for a walk. I ended up in this pub having a pint, he was just some random guy who came in," I could feel Aaron start to tense up already.

"I was a mess after I found out what had happened to you; you had shut down your mind and your body to try and cope and in my own way so had I. It's like I wasn't me anymore, I was just going through the motions; I was numb, I didn't cry, I didn't seem to feel anything, just guilt and it was getting worse. You weren't getting any better and they were talking about different treatment options, it was so much to take in.

"We had this vibe between us, I can't explain it; I didn't fancy him, it wasn't like that, it was something else. I don't know what to call it. We hadn't even talked, but he put a card in front of me when he left, with a place and time to meet. It took me a while to find an address and details, I read some blog posts on the internet; anyway, I can't explain what made me decide, I just had a feeling it might help me somehow...., oh I don't know Aaron, but I went.... and I met him."

Aaron gets up and starts pacing up and down, "Aaron, please, it's not how you think, not in the way that you think, hear me out please." He stops pacing but doesn't come and sit back down, he stays standing and leans instead against the front post of the banister, with his back to me and his arms folded tightly.

.

I take a deep breath. "I let him hurt me," Aaron turns round and stares at me his eyes widening, "I wanted him to hurt me." 

I stop talking as Aaron looked like he was going to say something but in the end he doesn't so I continue, "After that I met him almost every week, he has this place he uses; it stopped last Halloween after I moved into Vic's." 

Aaron turns round now, still leaning against the post; at least now he doesn't have his back to me, but he is clearly confused by what I had just said, "Why....., why would you want him to hurt you?"

"Remember how you said that after Jackson, you would hurt yourself and cut yourself because it was the only way to find some relief, it took some of the pain away; that's the nearest I can come with an explanation, but slightly different. You were trying to let the pain out, I was trying to let it in. It was the only time I would be able to feel something, anything. It's like I was holding my breath all week, until I saw him, and then he would push me so far that I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was the only time I acknowledged my feelings, the pain; the only time I could cry."

.

Aaron came and sat back down but on a step lower down to me, "When you say you let him hurt you, how? How would he hurt you?"

"However he wanted," I couldn't look Aaron in the eyes now.

"How Robert?"

"It was mostly just him; he didn't use anything apart from a couple of times. It was different every time. In the beginning it was more physical; he would hit me, beat me and pull me into painful positions sometimes just holding my body, sometimes he would tie me with rope." I didn't dare look at Aaron; I just stared across the cricket pitch as I continued.

"He would choke me until I was almost unconscious, let me come round and then do it again and again; stuff like that. He liked to see my reaction, my fear. The more he pushed me, the more I let go of my emotions."

I have no idea what is going through Aaron's head at the moment; I can't tell from his voice and I still daren't look at him, "What did he get from this?"

"I think... no, I know that he got off on the control and forcing the response from me he wanted; he was good at it."

Aaron put his hand gently on my arm which made me turn my head to look at him as he asked, "It stopped though, right? You don't still let him do this?"

I shake my head, "Like I said, it stopped at the end of October. I had a panic attack on Halloween after seeing some fireworks, Adam found me outside by the car in the village. That was when Vic more or less forced me to move in with them; she wouldn't stop pushing and I gave into her. I had just come back from seeing him and I was hurting and exhausted; normally I would just have gone home and slept. It was only after seeing him that I ever slept more than a couple of hours at a time. She wouldn't stop and I didn't have the energy to fight her, I just broke down in front of her and Adam. I let them help me for the first time and after that I never saw Jake like that again. God I didn't even know his name back then."

Aaron grimaced at hearing me say his name; I continue, he wants to hear it all, so be it, "I didn't see him for months until the other week, by pure coincidence in Leeds. I got drunk after we argued and I was causing trouble in this bar, he was out with friends and saw me. He stopped me from being arrested, he helped me and sorted me out; I was in no fit state so he took me back to his place. The next day we talked and he made me see how much I love you and how petty I was being when you came to see me. Nothing happened like before I promise, he was just a good friend to me and we have kept in touch since. He wanted to know if you were okay and how it was going since you decided to stay. I promise, there is nothing to be jealous of."

Shit....., wrong word, Aaron gave me a look I can't even begin to describe when I said that. 

.

Aaron's body language is changing, more agitated and unpredictable, "You said in the beginning....., what about after?"

"It was....., it was more intense, physically and emotionally intense; as he got to know me he learned which buttons to press to get the reaction he wanted from my body, but also my mind I suppose. Each time he would push my limits further and further."

I look at Aaron again, to try and see what he was thinking; he is stone faced, but I could see he was working out how to ask something else, "Was it just physically that you let him hurt you....., or was there more....," he hesitated, "did it ever get....., was it ever sexual?"

This was what I had been dreading the most; that he would think to ask in this way, I told him the truth, "It was both."

Aaron's expression hardened, "You had sex?"

"I let him hurt me however he wanted, I didn't have a say; if that meant he wanted to fuck me, then he fucked me. It wasn't like a lover, it wasn't emotional in that way, it was just another way to hurt me, control me, for him to take what he wanted from me."

I suddenly realise where Aaron had pushed me in my admission; well he wanted the truth, I am telling him the truth. "I wasn't me; the arrogant in your face Robert Sugden that you knew didn't exist, that person was gone. I had died inside, I didn't care what he did to me, I wanted....., needed to be punished. It was my fault they came for us, I was consumed by guilt that I wasn't able to protect you. It should have been me, not you; I would do anything for it to have been me and not you."

.

"So....., what....? You wanted to know what it was like to be raped, what it felt like to for some stranger to beat and rape you; are you sick in the head?"

"No Aaron, that's not how it was, I wasn't thinking like that, I wasn't thinking at all Aaron, I....."

Aaron cuts me off as I try and stand up, he pushes me back down and leans in close over me; he is angry now, relating what I had done with Jake to his experience that day in the pub, "You want to know what it felt like Robert, I will tell you what it was like....., maybe we should compare....., what do you think Robert, huh? You want to compare notes?"

I try to say something, but the words don't come and he isn't waiting for me to say anything anyway. He grabs hold of me by the front of my shirt and drags me up from the step, pushing me back very hard against the front post of the banister, so forceful that it almost winds me.

"Do you want to know what they did to me?" Aaron is forcing me to look at him, "They held me down so hard I couldn't move, no matter how much I fought. I could feel them all over me, smell them as they touched me. They gagged me so they could hurt me as much as they wanted; nobody heard as I screamed with the pain. I screamed for help, but no-one came....., you didn't come Robert; I was all alone with them." His face is now very close to mine, there are no tears, his eyes are cold, "He liked to play games; they laughed at me as he taunted me with the knife, cutting me and beating me. It didn't stop Robert....., they took turns with me.....; they kept taking turns with me until there was nothing left to take." Aaron is shaking, but he is scaring me, his rage is frighteningly controlled.

I am crying now, "I would have done anything Aaron, anything, you know that. I didn't know, I didn't regain consciousness until after the fire had already started, I didn't know," I am panicking, I am losing him, I know I am losing him; I can't make him listen to me anymore.

He is practically spitting at me now as he talks, he still has me pinned up against the post; his face is now so close to mine we are almost touching, his eyes glaring directly into mine. I don't have any choice but to look at him, "How fucked up are you? Your boyfriend was in the hospital...., I was in the hospital after having that done to me and you go find yourself someone to what? Live the experience, to help with the guilt? Because let's face it you're right, if you hadn't treated everyone like shit for months on end, cheated, manipulated and all the rest of it instead of just admitting you loved me, then maybe none of this would have happened; but no you went and married the bitch, you knew what they were capable of."

He stands back and moves away a little, "I can't even bear to look at you; you let some random bloke who's name you didn't even know beat the crap out of you and have sex with you whilst I was in hospital, all because you were having a bad fucking day, well boo hoo."

Aaron comes back in close in again, he has now become very threatening, "You having a bad day today Robert? You want me to beat you?" He grabs a handful of my hair and forces me onto my knees in front of him. He is really hurting me, I put my hands on his, trying to get him to release his grip, but I can't; he always surprises me with how strong he is and when he is angry like this, it seems amplified ten-fold, "Is that what you want, huh? You want me to make you beg for your life, like I begged for mine?" He is staring into my eyes, his blue eyes crystal clear and full of violence. There is no other word to describe it, the way he is looking at me is like he really wants to hurt me. He suddenly lets go of me and forcefully shoves me so I fall sideways onto the grass.

.

I try and reach out for him, but he hits my hand away and I fall back onto the ground again, "Don't touch me, don't fucking touch me; you disgust me Robert." He starts backing away from me, I don't recognise the look in his eyes, the vehemence in his voice; this isn't Aaron....

He is suddenly much calmer and controlled, his voice is edging on hatred, "I'm going to stay at Paddy's, don't try and see me...., don't come anywhere fucking near me Robert, I don't understand how you think I would ever let you near me knowing you did this. If you had felt so dead, then maybe you should have just topped yourself, have the full experience, that would have made the guilt go away once and for all."

He turned and walked off, I was so shell shocked, both with how he reacted and the violence of his words. I knew this was going to be hard for him to deal with but never did I expect this. I know I have to give him time to calm down, but what do I do then? I don't know what I should do. I roll onto my side and curl up, I can't stop crying; maybe I deserve this, maybe Aaron is right. All I know at this moment is that Aaron's words have hurt me more than anything Jake ever did to me physically.

TBC


	29. Unconditional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is at Paddy's struggling to come to terms with what Robert told him and how he feels about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention of self harm

Smithy Cottage - Wednesday 22nd June 2016

Its two am in the morning as Rhona sits up in bed, switching on the bedside lamp, "That's the third time tonight Paddy, it's getting worse, you have to do something," they are both feeling the tiredness, after a second night in a row of hardly sleeping.

"What do you want me to do? He won't let me in, he won't talk to me."

"Well he can't go on like this. You think he had nightmares like this with Robert, is this how it always is, or is it because something's happened? God, Leo's crying now, look I'll go sort Leo. Paddy you are the only one who is likely to get through to him, you have to find a way to talk to him," Rhona gets out of bed and goes into Leo's room to calm him down and try and get him back to sleep.

Aaron has been at Smithy cottage since Monday night when he had barely touched his food and hardly said a word before going to bed. He wouldn't talk about why he didn't want to be at home with Robert and when they mentioned Robert's name he just got agitated and blanked them, so they decided just to let him calm down overnight. He had woken them twice during the night screaming from his nightmares, both times he had pushed Paddy away as he had tried to help and comfort him.

On Tuesday things just got worse, Aaron didn't go to work and he wouldn't leave his room. At lunchtime when Paddy went in to take him a drink and a sandwich, he had lost it; yelling at Paddy to leave him alone, throwing both sandwich and drink against the wall and forcibly pushing Paddy out of the door. Since then he had practically barricaded himself in, refusing to come out or talk.

After not being able to get Robert on his phone, Paddy had gone round to the cottage but it was locked up and his car was gone. Vic and Adam had left on their honeymoon at the weekend, Andy hadn't seen him, the scrap yard was all locked up; he wasn't at the garage and Diane hadn't seen him since the weekend either. He couldn't find Robert anywhere.

Paddy had tried a few times across the day to get Aaron to talk to him and let him into his room, but each time he just told him through the door to leave him alone; he was increasingly worried for what Aaron might do. Paddy is not going to give up on him, he never has and he never will. He sits down on the top step of the staircase, Aaron is in his old room which made him think back to five years ago when he had sat in this same place; trying to talk Aaron out of his room after he had attacked him, admitting that he is gay. Aaron isn't that same angry teenager, but the violence is still there underneath, surfacing only usually when he has an extreme emotional reaction to something and lashing out is his default defence mechanism.

He had decided not to tell Chas just yet that Aaron is with them, first because she would worry, but mostly because he isn't sure she wouldn't make things worse. If Aaron bolted and left again, that wouldn't solve anything; Hazel has gone off on a trip already so Aaron would have no-one to turn to. He needs to somehow find a way get Aaron to open up to him.

.

"Let me help Aaron, let me in, please."

"Go away Paddy, just leave me alone."

"You don't need to talk or tell me what happened, just let me see that you are okay," Aaron is far from okay, but Paddy wants to be sure he isn't hurting himself; he would never forgive himself if Aaron hurt himself and he hadn't done everything he could to stop it. He was distracted a moment by Leo's loud cries as Rhona tries to quieten him and put him back down to sleep.

For a while it was just Leo's cries that could be heard, "Aaron, I have two sons in this house who I love with all my heart; when either of you are hurting then I am hurting too," Charlie was nudging Paddy's knee, Aaron hadn't even let Charlie in his room; he had shut everyone out.

Leo is finally quietening down, as Paddy continues, "You decided to stay in Emmerdale for a reason Aaron, and that wasn't just Robert, but also family, being near the people who love you unconditionally; no matter what, we will always be there for you. So you can be as stubborn as you like, but I am not moving from here, we will go get Cain if we have to, to come break this door down, but I am going nowhere."

Still silence, Rhona came and put her hands on Paddy's shoulders silently asking if he wants a drink, Paddy nodded, "I'm still waiting Aaron."

Catching Paddy unawares the door opens, Aaron comes and leans against the door frame. He looks terrible, but doesn't appear to have hurt himself; though Paddy would have to find a way to check that there are no new cuts or anything else on Aaron's body just to be sure. Paddy stood up, "Rhona's making a brew, you must be thirsty," he went down stairs into the kitchen without looking back at him.

.

Aaron followed him down, he was clearly exhausted; Paddy doesn't ask any questions, just hands him a tea and they go into the lounge whilst Rhona goes back upstairs to bed.

Aaron sits on the sofa leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees, rubbing his tired eyes and face with his hands. Paddy watches him, thinking the difference that strikes him most between now and five years ago is, there are no tears. Five years ago Aaron had cried uncontrollably, now he screams from his nightmares, but there are no tears. He couldn't really gauge Aaron's mood, he would have to take this very carefully to not provoke him and to try and get to the bottom of what is going on in Aaron's head.

Paddy sits on the coffee table in front of Aaron, he doesn't say anything but puts his hand gently on Aaron's head and without thinking he pulls Aaron into him and holds him. Aaron is very tense, but didn't push him away; neither of them speak, gradually Paddy feels him relax in his arms.

.

Rhona watches Paddy and Aaron together on the sofa, Paddy is sitting upright, his head rolled back resting on the top of the sofa and mouth half open as he slept and Aaron is lying asleep across him; Paddy has his arms wrapped around him, holding him close. They had been like this the rest of the night, no more nightmares had come. She quietly closes the door and starts to make her and Leo some breakfast. 

Halfway through giving Leo his breakfast, Rhona goes to answer the door after hearing loud knocking. It's Debbie who follows her back into the kitchen, "Have you seen Robert? He's not turned up at work again and we are having the new software installed today, he's much better at this stuff than I am, "She hesitated, "and as far as I can tell there's been no-one at the cottage the last couple of nights. I know Aaron is here.....," Rhona looks at her curiously because they hadn't told anyone as far as she knew. "Pearl let it slip just now in the coffee shop."

Rhona was about to say something when the door into the lounge opened and Aaron appears, he is looking a little better than before having had some sleep, but there are still heavy grey shadows under his eyes.

After Debbie gets over the shock of seeing Aaron's appearance, she asks him, "Do you know where I can find Robert, he's gone AWOL, his phone goes straight to voicemail and I need him at the garage?" Aaron just shakes his head; he couldn't seem to look at Debbie for some reason.

Aaron looks at Rhona, "Is it okay if I go take a shower?" 

Rhona nods, "You know where everything is, I'll make you a tea for when you've done," Aaron goes silently past Debbie and upstairs. Rhona turns to Debbie, "Don't ask what's going on, we don't know. We'll let you know if Robert turns up or if we find anything out."

Debbie nods, "Okay, at this rate I'll have to send Cain and Ross out on a search party. I'm beginning to get worried for him; it's not like him to be gone this amount of time and not at least send a text." She heads towards the door, "If you need anything," meaning Aaron, "let me know won't you?" 

Rhona puts a hand on Debbie's arm in gratitude, "Thanks, we'll see what we can find out," Debbie nods and goes out of the door.

Paddy comes into the kitchen, stretching, feeling the effect of sleeping in an unusual position on the sofa. Rhona pours him a tea and hands it to him, "He's having a shower, you okay?"

Paddy nods and goes sits next to Leo and helps him with his breakfast, "Can you cover for me today in the surgery?"

"I'll take care of it; did you hear Debbie just now?" Paddy nods looking concerned, "You need to find out what's going on Paddy. I don't know what to think, but something's clearly up between the two of them."

.

Aaron - Wednesday 22nd June 2016

Me and Paddy are taking Charlie for a walk, he is up ahead, getting into everything as we walk side by side; it's a grey day out, but not cold. 

I am worried for Robert after hearing Debbie earlier, but I have no idea outside of the village where to even start to look for him. I had been planning to go speak to him this morning, having now finally calmed down enough. I had just needed some space to try and wrap my head around everything. I have shocked myself this last couple of days. I was angry, in the beginning I was angry at Robert, then I was angry with myself and to make matters worse yesterday I took it all out on Paddy who was just trying to help. Now I just feel ashamed how I was with both of them.

I haven't had nightmares as bad as these for months; they are so real, different from the ones I usually have which are more about what happened to me. Instead in these I was so afraid for Robert, afraid that they had killed him and that he might be lying dead. It had been such a good week since we had moved back into the cottage; I have loved being back in our own home, back with Robert. He has been so fantastic with everything, with me; so then why did I lose it like that instead of listening and trying to understand?

I have been going to counselling all this time, but because I still refuse to talk about what actually happened a lot of the sessions focussed on everyday life things. I had told Hazel a couple of bits, partly because I had been screaming out in my nightmares which early on had been really bad; even with her though I had told her hardly anything.

With Robert on Monday it was the first time I had really said anything to anybody. He always did have a way of making me open up, but I had not wanted it to be like this. I had no idea that a part of me blamed Robert like this; this was something inside me I didn't even know was there until I lost it with him, the fact of what he told me about what he did with Jake was just the trigger. Then what he said about what he did with Jake, that he let it happen, wanted it. I don't know, it's fucked up. Robert is the last person I would have expected to do something like that; I don't know how to make sense of what he told me, even less about how I feel about it. Do I believe him when he says Jake is now just a friend who has been there for him when he needed someone?

All I know now is that we need to talk; the problem is, have I blown it by how I reacted and leaving it this long before trying to talk to him. Will he even talk to me if we find him?

.

It was Paddy who broke the silence, "You know you can't go on like this Aaron?"

He looks across at me and I nod my head, "I know. I'm sorry, you know..... for how I was before. I shouldn't have taken things out on you." 

"Are the nightmares always like this?"

"No, not for a long time, not as bad as this anyway."

"It must be hard being back here....., getting used to being back with Robert....., after everything." Paddy hesitates and then continues, "I'm not pushing Aaron, but you know you can talk to me; anything you ever say will just be between the two of us. Or if you don't want to talk to me, then you need to talk to your counsellor, but being back here has clearly triggered something for you."

I don't say anything, we just keep walking.

"Did Robert try and push you too soon? Is that what happened?" I stop and stand still, Paddy also stops and turns to look at me.

"No nothing like that, he's been brilliant with me. We argued.... well that's not quite true, he told me something, something that he did and it threw me. I flipped out, I was angry with him, really angry; I went too far Paddy."

Paddy comes up-to me and put his hands on my arms, looking at me closely, "You heard what Debbie said right? He hasn't been to work since Monday and no-one knows where he is." He pauses, "You didn't hurt him did you, he is okay?"

"No, I mean yes, he is okay, not like that, not like you mean; but I said some things that I shouldn't have said. I hurt him badly by what I said and I don't know how to take them back or how we move forward from this." We start walking again and Paddy waits for me to continue.

.

"He told me about someone he met, someone called Jake. Maybe Robert is with him, maybe he has gone to him after I lost it so badly; but I have no idea what his last name is, I have no way of getting in touch."

"That's what this is about, this is about Jake? You know there is nothing between them, Jake is just a friend."

"It's not just that, it's more complicated." Paddy looks at me to see if I will say more, but I'm not going to tell Paddy what Robert told me; that's between me and Robert, no-one else. It then dawns on me what Paddy just said, I look at him shocked. "You know Jake?"

"Well, 'know' is a bit of a stretch; I picked Robert up from his the other week when we went to the Rescue Centre for Charlie."

"What, you know where he lives?"

"Well, yes, why do you think he might be there?"

"Maybe, will you take me? We need to talk, I'm not saying that we can make things right between us, but we need to talk, if he'll let me. It was really bad Monday Paddy, really bad."

"Come on then, let's take Charlie back and I'll drive you. It can't have been that bad surely?"

"It was, believe me it was; he wouldn't have just disappeared like this if it wasn't, you know that."

TBC


	30. Jake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron goes to see Jake, hoping to find Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of self harm/thoughts of suicide.
> 
> I never thought I would get this far with my writing, it's kind of grown from my original idea; so from now on there will be a lot more POV from Aaron as well as Robert. It is still for me Robert's story, but certain chapters will belong to Aaron because it feels right when I am writing. 
> 
> Thanks for everyone's feedback and Kudos, comments always welcome, especially if anything doesn't make sense. It always makes sense to me in my head when I am writing, but that doesn't mean it makes sense to everyone else. Hope you all are still enjoying.

Aaron - Wednesday 22nd June 2016

As we are driving into Leeds, it's just so weird when Paddy is telling me the little he knows about Jake. I'm not quite sure what he would think if I told him what I know about Jake, but that will never happen, not from me anyway. When Paddy asks me what Robert had told me, I lie by omission, just telling the part where Robert had said they were friends and that he had been there for him which is why I thought he might have turned to him now.

I wonder what he's like, what he looks like. What will he make of me just showing up? I don't even know if Robert is here, what then? Paddy slows the car down and points to the top floor of the building we are next to, "This is it, top floor. Do you want me to come in with you?" 

I don't know, yes and no is the answer, Paddy unaware of just how big a deal this is, elbows me to jolt me out of my thoughts, "Oi, do you want me to come in with you?"

"Yes," I nod my head. If this goes really badly, then I'm going to need him.

"Okay, let's find somewhere to park."

.

The outside door of the building is open and Paddy leads the way up the stairs. When we reach the top, there is only one door, Paddy presses the doorbell. After a minute, the door opens; if that's him, then he is not what I am expecting at all.

"Ah, I'm Paddy Kirk and this is Aaron, Aaron Livesy. Is Jake around?" I stay quiet and thankfully let Paddy do the talking. I knew there was a reason why he makes such a good dad.

"He's not in; he's on his way back from a meeting." I can't help think what kind of meeting; is it really a meeting or is it a 'meeting'? I tell myself to not let my imagination run away with me.

"Hmmhh, do you know how long he's going to be? It's really important we speak with him; we are looking for a friend of ours, Robert, Robert Sugden. We were hoping that Jake might know where he is, it's an urgent family matter you see. We've been trying all of Robert's contacts, we just didn't have a phone number for Jake, but I have met him here once so we thought we would call by on the off-chance." Go Paddy, you liar you. 

Alex looks us up and down, he must have decided we are not a threat because he invites us in and introduces himself, "Alex Oakenby, I'm Jake's partner. Let me call him and see how far away he is, I was expecting him back already, but his train was delayed." 

.

Paddy wasn't kidding when he said the place was huge as we stand by the dining table. Alex was on his mobile already, he moved out to the balcony watching us though to make sure we didn't nick anything I suppose. I look around, trying to imagine Robert here. 

Alex comes back in, "What did you say your names were again?"

Paddy does the honours, "Aaron Livesy and Paddy Kirk."

Alex wanders outside again, still watching us. The conversation appears to be getting heated and I hear my name more than once; Paddy looks at me, his curiosity rising, but he doesn't say anything. 

"He's two minutes away. He says you can wait here for him, Alex gestures to the dining table, but something from the conversation has clearly peeved him as he isn't quite so friendly this time round. Paddy sits, but I stay standing, I'm too nervous to sit down.

Sure enough, a couple of minutes later the door opens and a much younger guy walks in. He is good looking, actually very good looking. He's wearing a suit, looks early thirties, definitely a bit older than Robert but not by much. He comes over and puts his stuff down on the table. He says hi to Paddy, recognising him from when he saw him briefly before and then he looks at me, "You must be Aaron?"

I nod my head feeling a bit awkward, but before I can say anything Alex makes a noise in the background catching Jakes attention, "Look, let me go change out of my work stuff and then we can talk properly, give me a few minutes."

.

He is not at all what I was expecting, I can see what Robert meant about that he has that something, what did he call it, 'vibe'. Robert's definitely more his type than I ever would be, I can see why he was drawn to him. This makes me nervous thinking about it, the nagging doubt that there is something going on between them more than friends. Then again considering everything else he told me that night it wouldn't make sense to lie about that or say that I should meet him if there was anything between them still.

I force myself to not think anything and sit down next to Paddy. I play at tracing the grain of the wood in the table with my fingers to focus my attention somewhere. Paddy is watching me; I can feel him staring at me, "Is there something you are not telling me Aaron?" I look at him, trying to decide if to just stay quiet or spin him a lie somehow; I was saved by hearing the slamming of doors from upstairs and a distant argument, the words muffled so we couldn't catch what was being said. Paddy and I look at each other again.

Finally Jake comes back down the stairs now in jeans and a t-shirt; I smile, Muse fan; most definitely not Robert's kind of music. 

.

He comes across to us and sits at the table opposite me. I stare down at the table, I don't dare look at him, "Alex says something about you are looking for Robert, a family emergency or something? I haven't seen him since you went to the Rescue Centre the other week. We've texted and spoken on the phone a couple of times but I haven't seen him."

Jake looks from me to Paddy and then back to me. Paddy kicks me under the table and for the first time I look up, directly at Jake, "We don't know where he is, no-one's seen him since Monday night and his phone's going straight to voicemail," I glance across at Paddy; I consider my words, trying to decide how much I should say as I look back at Jake, "We had....., we had words, he told me something and I lost it with him; I thought maybe he might have come here....., you know to have someone to talk to." I glance at Paddy again, trying to work out if he is suspecting anything, but I can't tell.

Jake looks at me intently a moment and then looks across at Paddy, "Paddy would you mind if I talk with Aaron alone for a while?"

Paddy looks at me and I nod that it's okay, but it's clear to Paddy now that something more is going on as he stands up, "Do you want me to wait for you?"

I shake my head, "I'll get the bus or something, you go back to Emmerdale and look for him there, I'll give you a call if I need anything," Paddy looks at me a little concerned; though I'm not sure if Paddy's concern is for me or more for Jake, "Paddy, I'll be fine, I promise." 

He nods, "Okay, call if you need me," he stares at me for minute, then to Jake, "Nice to meet you again Jake."

Jake nods as he follows Paddy to the door and lets him out. It is suddenly very quiet as he comes back to the table, another door bangs somewhere upstairs. Jake sighs and looks at me, "Come on, let's go for a walk, it will be easier to talk," as he goes to get a sweatshirt and puts on his trainers.

.

We head on down the stairs and onto the canal side; it feels strangely comfortable with him as we walk. It's a little bit busy with the lunchtime crowd beginning to appear so we walk a little further in silence until we are more or less on our own on the towpath.

I look across at Jake, "I'm sorry if us coming here causes you trouble with Alex."

Jake smiles at me, "It'll be fine, he gets like that sometimes."

After another silence, I finally start to talk, "He told me about you, I saw your text by accident on Monday night, so he told me."

"What did he tell you exactly?"

"He told me he saw you the first time in a pub last July, that he met you the day after and you saw each other....., like that....., until the end of October." I look at Jake now, bizarrely interested to see how he reacts, "He said he let you hurt him....., that you had sex with him," I take a deep breath, "he said it helped." 

We stop walking and sit on a bench, I look up at the clouds moving with the wind as I think back to how badly I lost it with Robert, "I got angry, I wouldn't give him chance to explain; I completely went off the deep end with him." I look at Jake, "I said some things I shouldn't have said, things I didn't mean." 

.

"I suppose I understand it sort of, I used to cut myself, I know how the pain helps; it's just I couldn't wrap my head around that he let someone else hurt him. I don't know why that should make a difference, but it does. I accused him....., I accused him of trying to know what it was like....., what happened to me," I paused as I could feel Jake looking at me but he didn't say anything so I continued, "then I don't get why you would do that, I mean look at your life; you have everything, why do you look for men to do that to?" I look down at my feet, suddenly wishing I'd not said that, but if I am going to understand then I need to understand Jake's part in this.

"I used to be part of the 'scene' when I was much younger and got into it quite heavily; but since I have been with Alex, I've gone back to it less than a handful of times in ten years and never with some random bloke that I just see in a pub. It's usually through an on-line arrangement, for some people it's, I suppose you could call it a lifestyle, for others like me, I go looking for it when I want it, it's different for everyone. With Robert, it is the one and only time I have just approached someone like that, there was something about him."

"Do you still want him like that?"

Jake shakes his head, "No, that part of our connection is over, what pushed us together is no longer there. We will only ever be friends now." Jake puts his hand on my arm, "Aaron, if I tell you some more of how he was, you will have to find a way to come to terms with it, to accept it. Can you do that?"

I don't even have to think about it, since Monday night I'd thought about nothing else much. I nod my head, "I love him, I can't lose him."

"Robert couldn't find a way to breathe without you Aaron, he blamed himself. We didn't talk much back then, but it was very intense with him, more than anyone I have known. When he was with me, he would fight it but I pushed him so hard that he couldn't hold it back and then he would cry; sometimes uncontrollably, he would say your name over and over. I didn't know anything about you then, it was only these last few weeks he told me, but I knew you were the reason he was seeing me."

I try and picture Robert being like that, but it's hard, Robert is just not someone I ever imagined would break in this way.

"Did he tell you that he had tried to kill himself, a couple of days after?"

I look at Jake shocked, "No."

"He said he went to some quarry near the village and wanted to just walk off the edge, but he couldn't. What stopped him was the thought of you waking up and he wouldn't be there for you."

I think back to my words from Monday night, beginning to panic. I told Jake what I had said to Robert, "You don't think he would....., he would try again, after what I said?" I look at Jake in horror. Oh god, what if I have hurt him so badly he feels like he did back when I was in hospital, "Jake, I told him I didn't want him, that I would never let him near me after what he did; I more or less said what happened was his fault."

"You know where this quarry is right?" I nod, "Come on, I need to get the car keys from the flat and you can show me the way."

.

Jake drives fast, I can feel a tear going down my face, all I see in my head is Robert lying at the bottom of the quarry, "I had nightmares Jake, when I was at Paddy's I had nightmares of Robert being dead; that they had killed him when we were in the pub, what if he's dead Jake? What if he's dead, because I wouldn't listen to him?"

Jake looks at me, "He'll be fine Aaron, he couldn't do it then and he won't be able to do it now, I'm certain."

I'm not sure how much Jake believes that; this is different, we both know that this time it is different.

After what seems an age, the car pulls up at the top of the quarry, more or less where we were that night with Andy. We get out, I don't see Robert's car anywhere. Jake is trying to look down into the bottom of the quarry, "I don't see him Aaron; he's not here." I get too close to the edge trying to see further over, Jake pulls me back, "No Aaron, not like that, let's go down into the bottom and look properly."

Once in the bottom we search the whole quarry base as best we can, shouting Robert's name. Jake says to me, "He's not here, is there anywhere else he would go? Somewhere where he has an emotional attachment to?"

I think as we climb back up the quarry road to the top. I look out across the fields and I see Wiley's farm. I look at Jake and we get back in the car and go to Wiley's. I run inside as soon as we get there, yelling his name, not caring if it is safe or not; but he isn't here. We come back outside and I collapse onto the stone paving, "He's not here, he's not here. I don't know where else to look Jake, I don't know where to look."

"You want to try Paddy, maybe he has gone back home already?"

I shake my head, "No, Paddy would have rung," I look at my phone and the reception is good, I would see his call if he had rung.

Jake comes and sits beside me; I am crying now, it's the first time in a long time that I am crying, "Why was I so stupid, why didn't I listen to him when he was trying to talk to me," Jake puts his arm round me and holds me tight when he says, "I have an idea, there is one place that he might go. Somewhere that he would not expect you to look, if he just needs some time alone. Come on, it's worth a try."

He gets up, pulling me up with him and we get in the car and drive.

TBC


	31. Let Me Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Jake try one last place where Robert might be.

Aaron - Wednesday, 22nd June 2016

We are driving now off the main road on a dirt track, "So what is this place?"

"It's been in the family forever, I kept it; not even Alex knows about it," Jake looks at me a little apprehensively, "Its where I used to meet Robert, back last year."

I look at Jake, then turn to stare out of the window. I might be slowly coming to accept what they did, but I'm not sure I want to see where they did it.

Jake continues, "He knows I don't have anyone like that since him and that no-one from Emmerdale would ever know to look out here."

I turn back to look at Jake, "You know though?"

"Yeah, but he probably hasn't considered that you would find me. It's completely off the beaten track, no-one ever comes down this way, not even walkers; there are nicer places to go walking and it's too far away from anywhere for the casual dog walker to come."

We drive into a small clearing and Jake was right; Robert's car is parked outside a very small old house. He turns the engine off, we both stay sitting in the car, "How do you want to play this?" he asks.

I stare at the house in front of us, "I need to talk to him....., alone. I don't know where we will be at the end of it, but we need to talk." 

Jake nods, "Okay, but let me come in with you first though; just to make sure he is okay, then I can head off after. Robert has his car here....., give me your phone," I hand it to him, "there is no reception out here, it's why it is so perfect to be alone; but this is my number. If you need me, just get yourself to somewhere with reception; about half a mile up the track it starts coming back and I can come get you." He looks at me, "Are you sure, will you both be okay?"

I open the car door and look back at him before I get out, "Let's find out."

.

There is no sign of Robert as we go into the house, there is some food and a bottle of water on the table in the first room; there has been a fire at some point recently in the big fireplace. Jake says, "I'll wait here, that's the bedroom through there, he points to a door to the left of the fireplace."

I walk over to the bedroom door, I hesitate before going in. It's much darker in here; the trees are blocking a lot of the light from coming in through the window.

There is a double bed filling two thirds of the room and a wooden chair in the corner next to it by the side of another small fireplace. I see Robert lying on top of the bed on his side but I can't tell if he is breathing. I suddenly get this sharp pain of panic, I tell myself not to be so stupid, that he is just asleep. I am not fully convinced though as I walk up-to him. 

I sit on the bed and gently put my hand on his shoulder, "Robert," he feels warm, I shake his arm, "Robert, wake up." Nothing, I shake him harder, "Robert," and this time I feel him stirring; he always was a much deeper sleeper than me.

He turns over onto his back, he lifts his head slightly, looking at me a little confused for a second, "Aaron, what are you doing here?" I look over to the bedroom doorway where Jake is now leaning against the door frame. Robert's gaze follows mine and he recognises Jake. He lets his head fall back onto the pillow. I'm sure he lets out a little groan, putting his hands over his face, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes.

"Are you going to be alright?" Jake asks. I nod, "Remember what I said okay?"

"Thanks, will you let Paddy know? He's the vet in Emmerdale," he nods and then leaves; I hear the car engine start and the sound of him driving off. It's just me and Robert now.

.

I turn back to look at Robert, I pull his hands away from his face where they are still resting and lean over to look at him; he turns his head slightly so he can see me properly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Robert, I didn't mean what I said, I didn't mean any of it."

He didn't say anything for a minute, "I see you met Jake then?" Robert looks tired, but he smiles at me. I get onto the bed and lie on my side next to him, Robert puts his arm around me and I move closer so I can rest my head on his chest.

"Alex too," I say. 

Robert lifts his head slightly and peers at me, raising his eyebrows, "I'll bet that was interesting?"

"Just a little."

"What's he like?"

"Old and grumpy, reminds me of you," I get a dig in the side for that. We lie like this for a while.

.

I must have dozed off, because when I wake it is properly dark and I hear Robert in the other room. I get up and go stand in the doorway; he has set a fire in the hearth, "You want something to eat? There's baked beans, baked beans or baked beans."

"Maybe later, would kill for a tea though."

"I think I can manage that," he puts the kettle on.

I look around, trying to imagine the kind of things that Jake might have done to him here; but I'm not sure I want to know any more, I don't need to know, it's not important.

Robert is leaning against the window ledge watching me, as I turn to look at him I catch my breath; I don't want to talk just now, I want to just look at him. He's beautiful, even more so with the fire in the hearth being the only light, the flames flickering, creating a mix of glow and shadow around the room.

Since I have been back he has been so careful with me, how he touches me; we hadn't really talked about it, it had just been like this. We had both made sure we were always clothed around each other, even in the bedroom; always getting changed in the bathroom, stuff like that. We had kissed, but only quick pecks here and there, nothing on the mouth. Like Robert had said, we were still working on the simple stuff.

.

Our staring is interrupted by the kettle and Robert makes me a brew. He brings it over to me; I take a drink and put the mug down on the table. I catch Robert by his waist before he can walk away again and push him back gently so he is resting on the table; I keep my hands on his waist. My face is very close to his and we don't take our eyes off each other. I haven't felt like this since the morning that day in the pub; I've had the odd hard on, but always forced myself to think of something else and it had gone away. Here with Robert now, I don't know if I'm ready or where my boundaries are, but I can feel my dick stirring and I don't want the feeling to go away. 

Robert can sense my desire and he brings his mouth down close to mine, but he hesitates, I can feel his warm breath. I kiss him, our tongues gently exploring, he tastes just as I remember; he moves his mouth to my neck and then my ear which is so sensitive. My head rolls back, his hand supporting it as his tongue is playing with my ear lobe; it sends tingles and shivers through my whole body as I arch myself closer into him. He moves back to my mouth and this time we are kissing hard and deep, our bodies are pushing against each other. Our hands begin to move all over our upper bodies, Robert puts his hand up the inside of my t-shirt, rubbing it up and down my back; then moving to my front, his motion edging my t-shirt slowly upwards. 

He suddenly switches positions with me and pushes me over the table, leaning over me, kissing my neck when without even thinking about it, I suddenly kick back hard and push him off me. I'm breathing heavily, I must have panic written all over my face because he doesn't try and come near me, he just says, "I'm sorry, Aaron, I'm so sorry."

I shake my head, "It's okay." My breathing is heavy and quick, too quick; I'm trying to slow it down, but it won't, "Hold me."

He comes over, but hesitates, "It's okay, just hold me Robert, please," he wraps his arms around me and holds me to him. I hold onto him tight, my head resting against his chest. I can hear his heart beating, he rocks me slightly and eventually my breathing begins to calm down.

He pulls away from me and goes to stand by the fireplace, "It's too soon, I'm sorry Aaron, I shouldn't have got carried away...., like that. I wasn't thinking, I wasn't thinking, god I'm so sorry," Robert looks mortified.

"No, I want to, just not....., it's how they....., that's how they.....," I can't say the words; Robert comes back over to me and puts his finger to my lips and holds me again. 

Eventually I go and take a drink of my tea and he goes to the stove, "Baked beans and bread for tea okay?" 

I smile at him, "Yeah, not like there's a lot of choice on the menu tonight Chef," he looks back at me and grins.

.

We are sat on the floor by the fire, playing gin rummy with a pack of cards that Robert had with him, "Oi, did I just see you cheat Sugden?"

"No," he says in this incredulous voice, struggling to stop from laughing.

"I think you just might be," I lean across him and take his cards from him, quickly finding the offending card in his hand, "Game over you, caught red handed." I laugh at him, throwing both our hands of cards into a pile on the floor mixing them up then I pull him across me, playfully smacking his arse.

"Spoilsport," he giggles like a schoolboy. He turns over onto his back and moves himself so he is lying half across me at a slight angle, I am holding his upper body in my arms and I lean over to kiss him. I move us over to the side a little so I can sit with my back resting against one of the supporting stone slabs of the hearth, enjoying the warmth of the fire.

I feel my desire for him rising again, my hand is gently caressing his chest. I start to unbutton his shirt and reach to caress his skin. I can hear his breathing getting heavier and he has closed his eyes; his body is moving, wanting more. He opens his eyes and looks at me, "Aaron, we don't have to do anything, you know that right?"

"I want to....., let me play."

.

He looks at me and nods his head and I lean over and kiss him deep on the mouth and then move to his neck. He moves his hands up-to my face, but I push them away, "Ah ah, ahhh.... no. I'm playing, I didn't say you could play; hands down Sugden."

My hand teases down his front, playing with his nipple, pinching hard until he lets out a gasp. He is looking at me now as I undo the top of his jeans, my hand reaching down and playing; without touching I can tell he is hard, I say quietly in his ear, "Take them off," he looks up at me to be sure, "take them off," I say again. 

He gets up and does as he is told, taking his jeans off. As he is about to sit back down, I tell him, "No," he looks at me, "all of it, take it all off," he hesitates only slightly and then I watch him take off the rest of his clothes until he is stood naked in front of the fire. He never takes his eyes off mine the whole time. He lies back down in my arms. I watch the firelight bouncing off his body; it makes me want to touch him even more.

.

I move him so he is sat more sideways on my lap, so I can get to him, his upper body resting against mine; his arm is around my shoulder and his hand gently stroking my neck. I run my hand down his front and start to pull on his dick; slowly but gripping quite firmly. I alternate between rubbing my palm over it and giving him a slow hand job just on the shaft, not yet touching the head. I kiss his neck and he starts to moan. 

My hand continues to rub him, I can feel his arm tightening around my shoulder; as I stop kissing his neck he moves his head so it is resting on my shoulder. His eyes are closed, his free hand is playing with his nipple gently but he stops as I speed up with my hand, not too much, just enough so his breathing gets heavier. I speed up a little more and start to kiss and lick his neck again and then move to his ear which I know sends him wild on its own. Like me, this turns him on big time. When I break from kissing, he alternates from watching my hand and looking into my eyes.

I leave his dick alone for a minute, and run my hand along his thighs and up his body. His eyes are begging me to go back to his dick and when I do I feel his whole body react with the sensation. I play now just with the head, short and quick, playing with the foreskin, he doesn't take his eyes off my hand now. Then I move my hand so it is just rubbing up and down the middle section of his shaft, two fingers and my thumb moving quickly up and down, he leans into me, resting his head against mine. 

I know he is getting really close from my continuous stroking of his dick. He has his arms round me, he is moaning quietly, every now and again he runs his hand up and down his front. I slow my hand right down, switching the motion so my hand is fully round his dick but moving just upwards in the one direction, speeding up again in between with slightly quicker jerking and then slowing it right down, back to just moving in the one direction. I let go and again run my hands over his thighs. He lets his head roll back in frustration as I keep doing this over and over, pushing him to the edge and then slowing it right down.

I switch so I am jerking my hand quickly just over his head, then after a while I wrap my whole hand around his dick, stroking him firmly up and down the whole shaft. He hugs into me with his body, resting his head on my shoulder again; I find the intimacy between us like this unbelievably hot, his whole body reacting to my hand. "I'm gonna come," he whispers.

"No, not yet, hold it for me." 

I speed up my hand more, feeling his body tense more and more in my arms, "Please Aaron, let me come," he is begging for me to give him permission. 

"No," I slow it right down again just moving my hand in the one direction, from the bottom to the top, releasing and repeating, then every now and again I alternate with my hand wrapped fully round him, quickening the motion.

"Please Aaron," I can hear the desperation in his voice as he struggles to hold it.

I don't say anything, I just listen to him as my grip gets firmer and I quicken the speed, "Now, come now for me," I tell him and he comes almost immediately and very hard, his body is shuddering. His breathing is quick and heavy; his head is rolled back as the orgasm works its way through his entire body. 

As the sensation starts to die down, he slowly brings up his head onto my shoulder. He tries to push my hand away, but I hold his hand whilst I keep playing really softly with the upper half of his dick. He continues to twitch slightly and when I finally stop, he rests in my arms. I listen to his breathing which gradually starts to return to normal; I occasionally kiss his face, but he is just lying, completely spent in my arms, with his eyes closed.

.

We stay like this until he has fully recovered; I push him up and holding his hand I lead him into the bedroom. Neither of us had really wanted to move, but Robert had begun shivering slightly as the fire had started to die down. In bed I let him wrap himself around me, I have my jeans off but still my undies and t-shirt on. He is careful where he puts his hands, snuggling his head into my neck he whispers, "Thank you," and kisses me.

I'm smiling to myself as I rest my head against his shoulder, making him come like that had felt really good, "I'm not ready yet, but when I am, I want it to be in our own home," I turn so I can look into his eyes. I rub his nose gently with mine, "The first time, when we make love...., I want you to make love to me in our own bed."

He kisses my neck again, sleepily saying, "I love you Aaron, I'll wait until ever you are ready, no matter how long it takes." I don't say it out loud but I say 'I love you' back to him in my head.

TBC


	32. It's Good To Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapters 32 - 34 together.

Robert - Thursday, 23rd June 2016

I wake up and reach for Aaron when I realise he must have got up already. Either that or last night was the most amazing dream I have had in my life, but I know it wasn't a dream, I can smell him on both me and the pillow. I suppose I could still be dreaming? Okay Suggers, just get out of bed and stop being a div.

I am slightly annoyed, when I realise that my clothes are in the other room, I shiver from the cold air as I get out of bed and wrap the top cover from the bed around me; I go looking for Aaron. The outside door is wide open, no wonder its cold. I keep on walking outside where Aaron is sat on one of the chairs having a tea, "Did I wake you?"

I shake my head as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. I go stand by him, squinting up at the sun, "What time is it?"

"Just gone eight," Aaron surprises me as he pulls me down to sit on his knee. I rest my head on his, hugging the cover tighter round me to keep warm; I'm smiling a little, remembering what he did to me last night when I was sat on his lap.

"So what next?" I ask him as I start fiddling with the cord on his hoody.

"Well, I'll make you a coffee and then, we need to talk," I feel myself stiffen; a part of me just wants to forget the last few days ever happened.

"Hey," I feel Aaron's hand move to my face, turning my face to his. I am staring nervously into his beautiful blue eyes, "We can't ignore this; you know that." 

"I know, since when did you come to be the smart one," he smiles at me knowingly. 

He suddenly pushes me up off his knee and plonks me back down on the chair, "I'll go put the kettle on, whilst you go put some clothes on," he grins at me as he goes inside.

"Bossy," I grin back and follow him almost tripping up and falling over the cover I have wrapped around me as I pick my clothes up off the floor and head into the bedroom to get changed. Despite last night being so amazing, not to mention unexpected, I am still not sure how comfortable he is having me walk around with no clothes on. I miss the time when things had been simple and easy, but then again, we had been anything but when I think about it.

.

I'm stood in the doorway with my coffee watching Aaron playing with the teabag to get his tea just how he likes it; when he's done he goes and sits at the table and looks up at me. I reluctantly go and sit down opposite him. I sit to one side though, with my back against the wall instead of the chair back, just so I don't have to quite look at him directly if I don't want to. 

"I like him," I look at Aaron startled, "Jake....., I like him."

I shrug my shoulders, "Aaron, I promise I haven't seen him like that since last October," I stop, very conscious of the fact we are sat in Jake's house where we had spent all those hours together. I drop my head; Aaron being here now makes me feel uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"I know," he paused a moment, "he said you tried to kill yourself. You didn't tell me that."

I stare at the fireplace and take a drink of my coffee, "I suppose there's a lot that we haven't told each other, both stuff whilst you were in hospital and then when you were gone." I turn my head to look across at Aaron, "So how do we do this?"

"I don't know; there's no right and wrong here. Why don't we just see how it goes?"

.

I sigh, he had started already before, so I'll tell him, "I couldn't do it, I couldn't walk off the edge. I kept thinking back to what I had told Andy; that killing myself would be taking the easy way out. I couldn't bear the thought that I wouldn't be there to help you, support you when you needed me the most. I suppose that's why after you left, a part of me felt like I had died because I missed you so much, but a part of me became bitter. You didn't want my help; it felt like you had shut me out.....," I pause, then look at Aaron very directly, "What you wrote in your letter...., when you look at me, does it still remind you of what happened?"

Aaron is staring back at me, his beautiful blue eyes reflecting as the early morning sun starts to shine through the window, "No, that's one of the things that being with Hazel helped. I used to struggle to understand how she could bear to look at me after Jackson's accident and it was me that gave him the drink that killed him. We talked about it a lot, both Jackson....., you....., until I sorted it out in my head." 

"Robert," he puts his hand on mine, "it wasn't that I didn't want your help when I left, I was scared that I would hurt you," this confuses me.

"You know I'm not good at dealing with stuff sometimes, that I bottle things up inside; it was all too much and I didn't want to lose you. I know that might not make sense to you but I knew that I would try and hold it in because I didn't want to hurt you by talking about it; but it wouldn't have worked. One day it would have all come crashing down on us, that I would either lash out at you or say something I couldn't take back."

"What like Monday?" I smiled at him, half joking, half serious.

"Yeah like Monday but worse, much worse. I knew I wouldn't be able to control it back then, it was all too raw; that at some point I would let what happened consume me and I would push it all onto you. I would maybe have hurt you very badly or even killed you and then I would never have been able to forgive myself. So I needed to be away from you; you, Chas and Paddy, to let me try and work it through, but I needed help. I knew I couldn't do it on my own and it had to be someone who understands me, who I trust with my life which is why I asked the counsellor to contact Hazel for me. It was the right thing to do, I know it hurt, it hurt for all of us; but I don't regret leaving Robert, it was the only way we had a chance."

I know he's right, "Monday," I look at him, "was that a one-off or will that happen again?" I get up and go lean with my back against the outside door frame, I stare outside into the trees and then look back at him, "You scared me Aaron and I don't scare easy. I did what I did because it was the only way for me to get through each week without you, both when you were in the hospital and after you had gone. I don't know how I would have been if I hadn't gone to meet him that day, we will never know; but I did meet him and I can't undo it. It will always be there, so we both have to find a way to accept it and move on from it."

Aaron was thoughtful a moment, "Jake, he told me a little bit of what you were like with him, I can't imagine you being like that. It's so different from the Robert I know, and Paddy, he said I wouldn't have recognised you, that you were like a shadow of who you were before after I left. I know I lost it on Monday, I shouldn't have said what I said. Maybe a part of me does blame you, I don't but I do.... god I'm not making any sense... Look, I know that it wasn't your fault, the affair was both of us, I knew right from the beginning what I was getting into and even if she had found out before you got married, would that have made a difference? Maybe, maybe not; I blame myself as much as I blame you." 

I think about that a moment, I don't know if it would have made a difference, I don't think the revenge would have been as extreme, but they would have got revenge somehow.

.

"Did you kiss him?"

"What?" I look across at him shocked, wasn't expecting that. 

"Did you kiss with Jake?"

"No," why are Aaron's eyes so damn piercing, sometimes I think they can reach into my soul. I tell him the truth, "No, we never kissed; we did a lot of things, but never that."

I see him look around where we are, I wonder if he thought about what I did with Jake here when he was stroking me off last night, I scrub that thought from my brain. I know last night was special, for both of us, we might not have made love, but in its own way what he gave me was just as loving and intimate.

"How did it help....., when you were with him....., here?" He then seems to change his mind, "Sorry, you don't need to answer that."

But I do, this is the time where we need to talk, to put everything out there. If not it will only come back and hurt even more later; I think about how to do this a while, "Do you really want to know?" I look at him, he doesn't say anything.

He slowly turns his head to me and nods, "Yesterday I thought I didn't, but maybe I do." I walk across to him and taking his hand I pull him up from the chair. We walk to the top of the cellar steps and I flick the switch for the cellar light and I lead him down the stone steps.

.

It's just an empty room, completely empty, lime wash walls and stone flagged floor, the ceiling is quite low, with just maybe a half foot between it and the top of my head. The light bulb is shining, but it's still very dim with shadows casting when you move around the room; I remember I had liked watching the shadows, "He used to bring me in here, just in here."

Aaron lets go of my hand and walks around the side of the room letting his hand trail along the wall. He stops when he gets to the other end of the room to where I am. He rests with his hands behind his back against the wall. 

It's quiet, very quiet, "After you left it was harder for him to get a response from me, I was more....., shut down. I think that's why he liked being with me, I was a different kind of challenge. I look down, shuffling my feet a little as I talk. "I would fight him so hard to not let him see, but each time he found a way and as he got closer to breaking me I couldn't hold it in. I would yell and scream and when he had finished I would cry. I can't explain it other than when he pushed me to that point, I felt 'free', it's the best way to describe it, free from everything; you, Emmerdale, myself even."

He stayed quiet, I didn't dare look at him still, I could feel him watching me. I looked anywhere but at Aaron, I looked around the room; it was so familiar to me, I had spent hours and hours in here.

.

I suddenly ask him, "Do you remember the fire, anything at all?" looking round the cellar reminded me suddenly of the beer cellar in the pub.

Aaron shakes his head, "No, nothing."

"I was so scared we were going to die Aaron. The flames were coming down the stairs so quick and along the roof; I couldn't find a way out. The smoke was everywhere," I stop talking, I feel myself sliding down the wall and I sit on the floor resting my head on my knees. I don't think there is a day goes by where at some point I remember being in that cellar, holding Aaron in my arms feeling my consciousness slide away. 

I am so lost in my thoughts, that I hadn't notice Aaron come over to me, he nudges my legs apart and he comes and sits down in front of me and leans back against me. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. We stay sat like this for a long time, not speaking or moving except I would occasionally kiss Aaron's head.

I don't ask him to tell me about what happened to him whilst I was unconscious; the counsellor had said he might never talk about it ever. Anyway I don't know if I would cope knowing more than I already do and this is something that he has to decide to tell me in his own time.

.

Back upstairs we have packed up my stuff which I had just put in the back of the car and I am stood in the doorway having a final cup of coffee before we head back to reality. 

Aaron comes over and leans on the door frame opposite, "We both did what we did to find a way to....., well I suppose....., live; but the decisions we made....., we both hurt each other....., a lot." He moves so he is stood close, "I can't promise what happened on Monday won't happen again, if something triggers in me then I can't promise I can control it. I promise to do my best to try not to; to let you help and to keep going to counselling." He puts his hands to the back of my neck, our faces now almost touching, "the one thing I know is that I never ever stopped loving you and I want to be with you." We kiss; a long slow kiss as I put my hand on the back of his head, then I pull him to me and I hold him to me, resting my chin on his head. 

I don't say anything, there is nothing to say, we both know that in the heat of the moment with the right trigger he might not be able to keep any promise made. After this week we also both know that neither of us is going anywhere, we haven't been through all this to give up now. We have a chance to start over which makes me think back to my conversation with Jake where had had said although it wasn't easy we had worked it out. It sometimes feels like we might spend the rest of our lives working it out. How does the saying go, 'if it's too easy it's not worth having'.

I push Aaron off me and start walking to the car, "Right you, we should get going, I'll have to thank Jake for bringing you here," I take a sneaky glance at Aaron, "maybe I should try a thank you kiss with him, you know.... just to see if he is any good." 

Aaron pushes me on my arm knocking me off balance sideways, laughing at me, "Get in and drive you idiot; if you kiss him, then you will deserve any beating I give you."

TBC


	33. An Evening With Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A more gentle chapter, it's the sentimental in me, what can I say.
> 
> Posted Chapters 32 - 34 together.

Robert - Thursday, 23rd June 2016

As soon as we had got in home I had gone upstairs for a shower; after almost 3 days with only a cold water hand wash and no shave, I wasn't feeling exactly the best. Aaron went and had one after me; he comes back down just as I am finishing putting away the food shopping that we had picked up on the way home. 

"Aaron, you should go over to Paddy's, tell him we are back and get Charlie. At this rate Charlie will have forgotten who his real family is, he might start to think we don't love him."

"Mmmhh." 

I look at him, "What, Mmmhh? I thought you were hungry, I was thinking I could make something, or do you just want to order in?"

Aaron comes leans on the kitchen counter, he has that look, "I texted Paddy already, told them to meet us at the pub for tea; he's bringing Charlie with him."

I stand and stare, my mouth open catching flies until Aaron shuts it for me, laughing. He grabs my jumper and throws it at me saying, "Come on you, I need some real food after all those baked beans."

.

After walking up-to the pub, I stop him when we get to just outside, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I can't stay away forever, people will think it's weird and what am I going to do when it's the next birthday or Vic asks for the umpteenth time why I haven't been in yet."

"I know, but you didn't mention this earlier and it's, well it's ......" my phone buzzes in my pocket, I pull it out and check it, "It's Jake, saying he's glad that we are home okay," I shove the phone back in my pocket, but before I can continue he cuts me off.

"Look, I know it's a big deal, but I want to get back to normal, how it used to be and this is part of that. Just be ready with a good excuse if I can't handle it and have to do a runner. Say I have the runs from your dodgy cooking, everyone will believe that," he grins at me. 

"Oh, that's right, blame me why don't you," I say with mock hurt at the mere suggestion. He holds my hand tight, I can see he is nervous as we walk up the steps, so I just keep going, "I'll have you know Vic says I have talent."

Aaron looks at me as he holds the pub door open with a slight grin, "Naw mate, I heard she said you had talent, but I don't remember her saying it was for your cooking," he walks through the door, whilst I am thinking of a suitable retort; he pulls me in close behind him.

Paddy, Rhona and Leo are already sat over in the far corner, Charlie sees us and comes bounding over; obviously Aaron being his first love gets all the attention. Aaron scoops him up with one arm. He hates PDA usually but he never lets go of my hand. I silently tell Paddy I love him, because they have picked one of the two tables where we can sit with our backs to most of the pub and Aaron won't get distracted being able to look around too much.

I can see Chas smiling at us, as we walk past she mouths to me 'everything alright?' I nod, Paddy must have had to tell her something. Chas looks so proud, doing her best not to fuss over him too much as she says, "I'll bring your usual over, just go and sit down." Aaron manages a nervous smile.

.

Food was good and it was nice being back with friends around us. We were moving onto the third pint and I'm thinking we need to be careful; I have no idea how much drink Aaron can take these days, I don't want to have to carry him home. Val comes and props herself up at the end of the bar near us, ordering a round for her and Eric, when she says, "You heard that there is a new family moving into Home Farm?" I put my hand on Aaron's knee; looking at me he grabs it and intertwines his fingers with mine. 

Rhona glances at us and asks, "Oh yeah, what are they like?"

"Still working on the gossip, gotta be better than the last lot," she carries on, oblivious to the fact that I was one of those 'last lot' when they moved in. "I'll let you know when I find out," Chas puts her drinks on the bar, shaking her head in wonderment.

"You do that," says Rhona as she watches her go back over to Eric.

That reminds me, "There's something I didn't tell you yet," I say and Aaron looks at me curiously. He wants normal and we can't hide these things anyway, but I still feel nervous how he might react, "the divorce came through, I got the papers just before you came back."

Paddy goes, "That must be a relief, I suppose," 

I shrug, "I don't know really," I look at Aaron and smile, "I can just start asking this one to marry me again, apparently though he's not into marriage. I lost count of the different ways he shot me down, wounding me every time," he laughs at me as I add the dramatic acting touch.

"Anything so he doesn't go buying me a new suit," Aaron retorts, he looks odd for a moment, but covers it up quick. I realise this was what I told him the last time he said he would never get married when we were joking around on the morning of Debbie's wedding. 

.

Switching topic, Paddy goes, "So why Charlie then?"

I'm distracted imagining Aaron in a morning suit. Aaron knocks my arm to get my attention, "What?"

Paddy asks again, "Well Charlie's name, why Charlie?" Aaron looks between me and Paddy who continues to explain, "Charlie had been found abandoned and didn't have a name; Robert named him Charlie." 

I feel myself going all embarrassed at this; it's stupid really because there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I look at Aaron, "Do you remember?"

He looks at me oddly and then suddenly I see a hint of realisation as he smiles. Paddy leans forward like a schoolboy wanting to know the gossip he's missed out on. Aaron pushes him back gently in jest, "Look at you all wanting to be in the know."

"What? Are you going to tell or what?" he looks between us both. Chas is leaning across the bar listening in also and Andy is there also now.

I sigh, not knowing who will take the piss out of me the most for the rest of the night. Some things just don't change I think to myself smiling as I stroke my hand against the back of Aaron's neck.

"He had always said no-one read to him when he was a kid and he had never read books himself growing up so I used to read to Aaron when he was in hospital, all sorts of books. I used to do all the voices; that's what had kept me interested when they were read to me. The one though that ever got a first reaction from him was when he was having the ECT," I look at him nervously, I don't want to bring back bad memories, but he nods at me to carry on. "It's just a kids book, but this particular one had the nurses in stitches, they used to listen in on their break sometimes; but I remember it the most because it was the first time I saw him smile." 

"Well go on then, what was it?"

Aaron beats me to it as he starts singing the Oompa-Loompa song.

Chas just goes, "Awww, you big softie," and Paddy ruffles my hair, "Go on then do me your Veruca Salt." 

"I don't think so," now well embarrassed, I get up and go to the bog.

"That's you two down for some serious baby-sitting duty then," pipes up Rhona.

.

It's feels nice to be back home. Charlie is lying down on the floor at Aaron's side of the bed, I walk back in after cleaning my teeth and get into bed and lie on my side propping myself up with my elbow. 

"That was okay, in the pub?" I don't want to push him to talk about it, but it would be good to know how he feels about being in there again, will he go in again?

"Yeah," he nods. I wait patiently to see if there is more, he looks at me, "Okay, it was weird... at first, but then after a while it was....., it was like it used to be, before. Being with everyone made me think of the good stuff, I just need to remember the good stuff. Let's face it what could be better than taking the piss out of my boyfriend for his story telling skills." I feel myself smiling at him, I just knew he was going to hold onto that still.

I lean over and kiss him. I don't push any more, I'm sure there are going to be moments in there where he will struggle and maybe even has to go out, but it's a start, it's a really good start.

Aaron looks at me a little sheepishly, "I have a confession to make."

"Oh yeah," he leans over and pulls something out from his bedside drawer. I'm intrigued as he hands me a book. 

"I bought it new," I look at it and then at Aaron, shocked as the book he gave to me is a battered well-read paperback copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He shrugs, "I used to read it, it reminded me of you, I would imagine you were reading to me."

"Now who's the big softie?" I smile at him gleefully.

"You're not going to tell anyone are you?" He suddenly realises I can have much fun with this as he had been taking the piss out of me at the pub with the others earlier.

"Hmmmh, well that depends, what's it worth?"

He turns onto his side, sidling up-to me and gives me a kiss, "I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement," his eyes wandering down my stomach to my dick and then back up, giving me a kiss,"

I push him over onto his back, laughing at him, "Get away you."

He leans back onto his side, "Read it to me," he asks quietly. I look at him to make sure he isn't winding me up, but he isn't. I turn onto my back, raise my arm so he can snuggle into me and I open to the first page and start reading.

TBC


	34. A Quiet Night In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quiet night in turns into something more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapters 32 - 34 together.

Aaron - Beginning August 2016

Life has pretty much settled down properly now; work, home, Charlie, the pub, nothing special particularly. It's good and after everything, quiet and normal is what we need. I go to counselling every week and I asked Robert if every now and again he would come with me to a joint session extra, which I think kind of freaked him out, but he said yes. The first one is next week, so we'll see how it goes.

Jake sent Robert a text earlier, inviting us to his birthday do at his place next week. That will be interesting, he came to see me at the garage at the end of June, just wanted to see how things were going. It's becoming the strangest of things because I have the feeling we will both stay friends with Jake for a long time. Paddy is my dad and I would never dare tell him, but Jake kind of feels like our fairy god father, no pun intended.

Robert said he had told Alex about him, me and stuff. It didn't go too well is the latest, but don't know where they are with it at the moment; we'll find out next week I suppose.

.

We've been so busy the last week that we have hardly seen each other. I had been away a couple of nights sorting some stuff out with a new merchant in the midlands and Robert had been busy with the garage, so we are having a quiet night in; DVD, play station whatever. I'm even going to let Robert cook and Vic was right, he is actually quite talented in the kitchen. Not so much in the washing up department, which I'm going to have to do something about because he likes to use every bowl and saucepan he can get his hands on, but he is really quite a good cook. Muggins here of course, lands the washing up, so I think it's time I sent him shopping for a dishwasher.

I've not been long in from work, had a shower and am just deciding which T-shirt to put on when I spy the new shirt Robert bought me. I haven't worn it yet, not had the occasion; it will look good with my dark blue jeans, I take it out of the packaging and try it on. I have to give it to Robert, he still always buys nice quality clothes, no sense of style sometimes, but in this case he made a good choice.

I hear him come in and up the stairs and go straight into the bathroom for a shower. I head downstairs, yelling at him if he wants a beer or wine. He goes for beer, I pull myself a bottle out of the fridge and open it, having a drink whilst I wait for him; he had got the recipe book out already. I smile; Robert Sugden in a pinny does it for me every time. My smile widens, thinking that one night I should get him to cook for me in nothing but the pinny; now that would be something worth watching.

.

He comes in and grabs a beer out of the fridge, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and giving me a kiss. He lingers a little longer than normal, "You smell good." He appraises the shirt, "Nice shirt you have there Aaron Livesy, any occasion?"

"Nope, just fancied seeing how it fits, why do you like it?"

"Do I like it, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, oh I like it very much," he comes up behind me wrapping his arms around me, kissing my neck first then moving to bite gently on my ear lobe. God I love it when he does that. He goes over to the counter and leafs through the recipes in the cook book. "So what do you fancy then? I couldn't make my mind up earlier, or we could just cheat and get take away?"

I am staring at his arse, which really is a nice arse and the thighs aren't too bad either; he turns round laughing at me as he leans back against the counter, taking a drink of his beer. He clicks his fingers at me to get my attention, "Aaron."

I can't tear my eyes away from him, I put my beer down on the table and walk up to him, laying my hand flat on his chest; just right about where his heart is, I can feel it beating. He is staring at me still half laughing as I start to move my hand and with one finger I let it wander down his front, I stare into his eyes the whole time. My finger is now hovering just above the top of his belt and I let my hand linger there whilst I decide what I want to do next. 

.

Robert is smiling at me quietly, we are still staring into each other's eyes and I know I want him. I have wanted to do this for a while now, I kept getting afraid; but somehow tonight I don't feel afraid. My desire to be with Robert is overriding everything else as I start to undo his belt and the top button of his trousers. He keeps his hands down by his sides, letting me do what I want as I pull his shirt up a little so his stomach is showing and I lower myself; I let my forehead rest on his stomach for a moment, making sure I really want to do this, but I know I do as I start to kiss his bare skin just above the top of his dark grey shorts he has on. I can feel his breathing change and I know he has his eyes closed now as I trace my tongue over his skin, licking slowly up from the top of his shorts to his belly button where I continue to play with my tongue. 

I unbutton his shirt and start to kiss up his front, my tongue playing and teasing as I work my way up until I am standing fully and looking into his eyes again. I can feel my breathing is slightly quicker than normal as I move my lips closer to his ear, our cheeks touching and say to him quietly, "What I fancy, Robert Jacob Sugden, what I fancy is you." I take his hand and lead him silently up the stairs into our bedroom, I close the door behind us and he leans back against it; he is about to say something, but I put my finger to his mouth, "Shush."

I stand back from him, unbuttoning my shirt; he watches me take it off, I love how he watches me and then I move back closer to him again, "Kiss me."

He leans in and we kiss, really gently and he puts his hands on my face, moving them to rest either side of my neck as we slowly deepen the kiss. When we stop, I step backwards into the middle of the room, he follows me; we are staring the whole time into each other eyes as we stand very still opposite each other. It is so still that I can hear both our breathing and there is a tension now between us; an anticipation. I sense he is as afraid as I am which just heightens the moment.

.

I remove his shirt and take his hand and lay it flat on my stomach, I put my hand over his and guide it slowly up my front and back down, then moving side to side across my stomach. Our faces remain very close, but not touching when I move backwards again, just a couple of small steps but enough so he lets his hand fall to his side and there is real space between us.

I unbutton my jeans and take them off, pushing my undies off at the same time, I am still barefoot after coming out of the shower so I am now fully naked as I move back close to him and once again I trace down his front with my finger. I remove his belt completely and unzip his trousers, pulling them down around his ankles, after he steps out of them I throw them to the side. I am half kneeling, my head resting against his stomach, my hand laid flat on it and I very slowly push my hand all the way up his front, I bend my fingers slightly so that on the way back down it is my finger nails which are working down his bare skin. I hear him let out a little gasp, I rest a little letting my fingers play a little on his lower abdomen; Robert is hard already, I can smell the scent of his body. 

I have a final mental check with myself that I want to do this, then take his hand and lead him to our bed. We climb onto it, kneeling upright, our bodies close. Robert waits for me, letting me take the lead, going at the pace I want to go. I take his hand again and guide it over my front, I turn to the side slightly pushing his hand over my shoulder, he knows I want him to continue, he slowly moves his hand softly down my back, he is breathing into my neck which I find completely intoxicating and scary all at the same time, because I can feel how much he wants me. His hand hovers when he reaches the small of my back, he glances at me and I nod at him just so slightly and he keeps going down sliding his hand over my arse. As his hand works its way up round my side, I rest mine again on top of his, together they slide up my body, up my neck until he is cupping my face and I kiss into the palm his hand.

.

I lie back on the bed, pulling him down with me so he is hovering over me and I guide his head to my navel. Robert looks up to me again at me to make sure I am okay, I have my right hand gently holding on his left arm which is resting on the bed and he lets his tongue go up and down my lower abdomen a couple of times and on the second pass he doesn't stop, his tongue keeps going down over my crotch, he kisses up my shaft which is becoming harder with the touch of his mouth, he kisses all over and then slides his tongue back up my navel, his eyes looking up into mine as he glides his tongue slowly upwards. I feel my body tense, but a good tense; I keep waiting for me to freak out, but I don't, I just want him more.

He slides his tongue back down and once again keeps it going over my dick, but this time he takes me in his mouth sucking gently up and down. I move my hand from his arm and place it on the back of his neck; he keeps sucking me whilst moving both of his hands up and down the front of my body. He teases the head with his tongue, kissing it then moves lower and starts to lick and kiss my balls whilst stroking my dick with his hand. He keeps looking back at me to make sure I am still okay, I am watching him intently, my hand still resting on the back of his neck. 

I can't keep quiet as his tongue continues to work my balls and my dick, my breathing is heavier and as he goes down on me all the way, taking me now fully hard in his mouth, I gasp, rolling my head back onto the bed and I arch my body up pushing myself deeper into his mouth. He goes back to licking and sucking my balls and stroking my dick again with his hand and then licks back up my shaft; licking up and down, sucking my head, his hands again wandering over my upper body. 

He moves up now so he is lying on top of me and we start to kiss with a lot more urgency, our tongues pushing into each other's mouths as his rubs his whole body up and down against mine. My hands wander over his arse and his back, I want to feel his skin; I want to feel all of him. He moves down to my dick again and takes me into his mouth all the way down, I hold the back of his head gasping with the warmth of his mouth, I push into him, the wetness of his mouth around me making me want him more.

.

He gently starts to push my legs up and over me, I know where he is going, I begin to feel a little scared and I tense up as he puts his mouth close to my hole. Robert hesitates, waiting to see how I react, I tell him, "Keep going, I want to feel you," and he starts licking and pushing inside me. This always drove me wild and tonight is no different, I'm not afraid of the touch. I hold his hand so tight and I can't stop moaning louder and louder with each lick of his tongue, my eyes now closed as I sink into the sensations going through my body. 

He moves his finger to my hole and he says my name so I open my eyes, he wants to push inside me, as he whispers "Aaron, can I?" I hesitate slightly but I know he won't hurt me and I want him, I know I want him inside me, I want him inside me very badly now, I nod. He spits on his finger and I watch him push his wet finger inside me; it's been such a long time, I am very tight, I grip the bed in pain and I groan into the duvet. He pulls his finger out and he licks me once more with his tongue making me moan and pant more. He moves back on top of me and we kiss passionately, his hand cupping the back of my neck. I hold him still a minute as we stop kissing and I whisper to him, "I want you inside me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

.

He kisses my front, I suck his fingers in my mouth and he reaches for the lube and a condom, but leaves then on the bed as we kiss for a while and I rub our dicks together, rubbing my hand over the heads pushing them together. I move fully onto my back watching him, he picks up the condom, but I take it from him and put it on the side; I want him without it, we have both been tested recently. He doesn't say anything as he starts covering his dick with lube, then puts some on his finger and pushes it inside me in me, applying a little more and then pushing in with two fingers. He is laid on his side next to me, watching me intently as he works with his fingers to loosen me up a little more. My body is pushing down more and more as I get used to the fingers inside me. 

He is laid next to me, on his side with his right arm around my shoulder; I am stroking myself with my right hand as he pushes my left arm across over my front. Robert continues to kiss me as I push my lower body slightly onto one side and he starts to push slowly up inside me, his left hand caressing my front occasionally moving up-to my face. He lets his hand rest on my cheek, we are looking at each other very intently, our faces close together as he keeps the pace slow, but starts to push harder and I wince with the pain a little. He slows, not quite stopping, but whispers asking me if I am okay, I whisper back, barely audible, "yes" as we kiss, his hand running all over my front. He raises my left leg now so he can get all the way in deep and picks up the pace into a steady rhythm. Our faces continue to stay close together his eyes never leave mine as he watches my every reaction to make sure I am alright.

His arm has moved from round my shoulder and is now above my head, stroking my hair as we continue to kiss. His other hand now takes over stroking my dick as he continues to push into me, our bodies spooning. I close my eyes, my breathing heavy and I moan as I get lost in him, our hands moving over each other's bodies as the intensity increases. I have to stop his hand otherwise I will come, it's been such a long time, I'm amazed I have lasted this long without coming already.

.

Without pulling out he rolls me onto my front, and continues pushing ever harder into me, I grunt into the duvet, he is so deep; he is holding both my hands as we move together. We move position so I am on my back and he is on top of me, I hold my legs back for him and he starts to stroke me as he fucks me. 

I manage to tell him "I'm close," through my moaning and he keeps stroking, my legs now resting either side of him on the bed as he continues to pump me in a quick steady rhythm, his hand squeezing and stroking harder, "Fuck.... yeah, shit don't stop, I'm gonna come," I let out two really loud gasps as I explode over his hand, he squeezes out as much of my load as possible. 

I can feel him intensifying his speed which means he is also close, he suddenly slows his pace; I didn't think he could push any deeper, but it feels like he is as his body starts to shudder slightly and I feel him come inside me, he surprises me by saying at the same time, "I love you Aaron, I love you so much." I put my hands on his waist as he continues to push inside me; I can feel his come wet and warm. He shudders a little more, his body straining, he grinds inside me a couple more times really taking his time, pushing deep, his arms shaking slightly before he collapses on top of me, his breathing heavy. 

I wrap my arms around him and my legs curl round his body hugging him close. I kiss his forehead, damp with the sweat from our love making, and whisper to him "I love you Robert Jacob Sugden, I love you too." We had hardly spoken a word the whole time, our bodies and our eyes had done the talking. 

Robert moves so he can stretch his legs out, he pulls out of me and lies by my side, he wraps his arm and leg across me as he rests his head on my chest and his left hand gently tracing my scars a little, before letting it lie still on my stomach. I still have my arms wrapped around him; we must have lain like that a long time, before going to sleep. 

When I wake up, it is in the middle of the night and I pull the duvet over us, I kiss Robert's neck and I turn to go back to sleep, my arm over him, lying as close into him as possible. It has taken a long time, but we are finally complete once more. 

TBC


	35. Community Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is encouraged to find his charitable side and Diane receives a shock phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 21 Jun 2015: I had rushed when I posted this Chapter originally and re-reading it I wasn't very happy with it so I have re-posted it. It's not essentially changed, just tidier in the writing.

Robert and Aaron - Beginning Sept 2016

Aaron walks into the pub for a quiet drink after work only to be confronted by Eric wagging his finger at him. "Conniving and under-hand that's what it is." Bemused, Aaron looks first at Eric and then at his mum stood behind the bar.

"Take no notice love, just a small case of the pot calling the kettle black," says Chas. "You want a pint?" Aaron nods.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," continues Eric still on his hobby horse.

"Come on Eric, you have been known to pull the odd dodgy deal yourself once in a while," says Chas whilst pulling Aaron's pint. 

"I'll have you know I'm an upstanding pillar of the community." 

Aaron leans against the bar smiling to himself, "So what has he done?" Eric looks at him as if Aaron should already know what he is talking about, "well I assume we are talking about Robert? What has he done this time?"

"He's not only gone and gazumped my offer, but already signed the deal. He wouldn't have even known that land was for sale without me, it wasn't on the open market." Aaron looks at his mum for further details, still no idea what Eric is going on about.

"Apparently Eric was planning to buy the land just behind the yard that also backs onto the B&B and had told Robert all about his plans for it last week, just for Robert to go and put in a higher offer and sign the deal already."

"Not even the decency to tell me; just does it without a bye or leave. I suppose you were in on it as well?" Eric says to Aaron accusingly.

Aaron hands his mum the money for his pint and takes a drink, after putting his pint back on top of the bar, "Keep me out of it mate, I have nothing to do with this one, it's the first I hear. Anyway you have a small percent in the yard still if I remember correctly."

"Mmmmh, and what, you think Val cares about that?" he downs his drink in one, preparing himself to go and face the music, "If you hear police sirens, it's because my darling wife will have murdered me."

Aaron and Chas both laugh amused as they watch Eric go out. Chas gives Aaron the look, "Don't look at me like that, this is really the first I've heard of it. Robert hasn't changed who he is completely since he's been with me; I'm not a miracle worker."

"I do kind of feel sorry for Eric though, you know what Val's like," chuckles Chas.

.

Edna comes to the bar for a re-fill during which Chas says, "I'll drop the donation off later Edna, I haven't had time to sort it out yet." 

"Not a problem, very kind donation you made, very kind. Community spirit is important these days don't you think Aaron?"

Aaron is now regretting ever coming into the pub, all he had wanted was a quiet pint and some peace to read the paper, "Absolutely Edna," he turns to go and sit down in one of the fireside chairs as Edna catches his arm.

"It's a shame your other half doesn't share your opinion, I got a flat rejection when speaking to Robert earlier about contributing to the church fund for the harvest festival display and fete. Maybe you could have a word of encouragement."

"I'll see what I can do Edna."

"Mmmhh," Aaron could hear her tut tutting as he finally manages to escape and sit down with a big sigh. Robert seems to have been on a roll of winding people up the wrong way this week, sometimes he just can't help himself.

.

Aaron heads over to the yard; Adam is just leaving as he went back in, "What you doing back here?"

"Forgot to do that invoice I promised for old Sealey; I said I'd drop it off tonight."

Adam slaps him on the shoulder, "Daft lad, see you tomorrow," and leaves for home as Aaron goes into the office. A minute later Robert comes bouncing through the door full of energy, "Right then, you ready?"

"Just need to finish this off," Robert comes over and distracts him, his hands wandering everywhere as he kisses Aaron's neck, "Can't it wait until tomorrow?" 

"Noooo," laughing in frustration as he tries to shrug Robert off, "I promised and a promise is a promise," gently pushing Robert away in an attempt to try and reach the filing cabinet.

"I remember what you promised me this morning.....," said Robert smiling at him with a glint in his eye. 

He finally manages to push Robert off long enough to make it to the filing cabinet and pulls the file out he needs. "Oh yes, well I'm not sure you deserve your reward anymore; I've had nothing but grief about you today, what with Eric and Edna on my case."

Robert laughs as he goes and sits in Aaron's chair swivelling it round, he is grinning like a big kid. Aaron, walks up to him, "Out of my chair, I need to finish this," he attempts to get Robert out of his chair, he can't help smiling; Robert has that seductive look on his face that Aaron struggles to resist. He's in one of those moods where you want to throttle him and kiss him all at the same time. 

.

Robert pulls Aaron to him and kisses into Aaron's stomach, his hands wandering lower, teasing and rubbing, "Well....., you could convince me to do my civic duty and give me my reward all at the same time.....; remember, I was a very very good boy." Aaron bursts out laughing at him, as Robert kisses his crotch and puts his hands on Aaron's waist. Aaron allows himself to be pulled down onto his knees by the side of the desk. Aaron knows exactly what Robert wants and well, he did promise. Robert gently pushes Aaron's hand into his crotch and Aaron takes over as he knew he would; rubbing and pulling, feeling Robert start to get hard through his trousers.

Aaron stares at Robert playfully, biting his lower lip as he does, Robert smiles at him knowing he will get his reward. Aaron unzips his fly and kisses through his undies, before sliding his dick out and plays with the end, gently sucking. Aaron pulls Roberts trousers and undies down all the way so he has full access. Robert puts his hands on Aaron's head and watches them go up and down with the motion of Aaron's sucking which is getting deeper as he takes Robert's dick now fully hard all the way down.

Suddenly there is a noise at the door, which they had unfortunately not thought to lock, not having time to do anything else considering Roberts trousers were now round his ankles, he pushes Aaron fully under the desk and pulls his chair close under as the door opens, Ashley walking in.

.

He heard Aaron saying "ouch" having banged his head against the underside of the desk, "Ashley, what can I do for you this fine evening?" he says a little louder than normal which causes Ashley to look at him a little curiously.

"Chas said you were heading over here, so I thought I'd just see if I could catch you on my way home."

"Sure, how can I help? I was just about to head off home."

"Aaron not around?"

Robert starts thinking to himself 'oh shit' as Aaron has managed to position himself so he can continue sucking on Roberts dick and he is excelling himself with his tongue action, to the point that Robert is struggling to keep a straight face. He feels himself lifting up slightly in the chair trying to stop Aaron getting to him, but he realises that then Ashley would see that his trousers are not quite where they should be. He can't actually do anything to stop Aaron without drawing unwanted attention.

"Errrm, Errrm, no, he's fetching some milk." 

"Ah, well not to worry, say hello from me."

"Absolutely, ahhhh god," Ashley looks at him again because Robert is acting quite weird, "Cramp, Ashley, just a bit of cramp you know how it is," Aaron is gently biting down on his balls, sucking and licking whilst pulling on his dick with his hand.

"Well, I was just wondering if you had seen Edna yet, she's been doing the rounds for me asking local businesses to donate to the church harvest festival."

"She did mention something of the sort, I'm not sure though that ...... Christ, ow, ow.... oh...." Robert grips onto the chair arm for dear life as he manages to say, "Cramp again, sorry." Aaron is biting down delivering intentionally more pain than pleasure, "well I'll have to speak with Adam and Aaron of course, but I'm sure we can find a suitable way to contribute," Robert is really struggling to control his breathing as Aaron has switched to sucking down on him deep, delivering more pleasure than Robert can conceal, his face contorted unusually.

Ashley goes, "Are you sure you don't want help with that?"

"Nooo, Nooo, it'll pass in a minute or two I'm sure, well if that's all, I'm sure you must be getting home."

Ashley turns towards the door, Robert relaxing a little in relief, when Ashley turns back around, "Oh you will have a word with Debbie for me also won't you?" Aaron bites down again to make sure Robert delivers the correct response.

"Certainly, I am sure she would love to support, I'll speak to her first thing in the morning," Aaron is now sucking Robert in just the way that he knows gets him off.

"Excellent, make sure you get that cramp seen to if it doesn't get right, it looks painful."

"Will do, Ashley, will do." 

"Well I'll be off then, see you on Saturday for Marlon and Laurel's renewing of their vows." 

"Yeah, see you Saturday," he is almost panting now as he watches Ashley leave the portacabin closing the door behind him, as he puts his hands under the desk and grabs onto Aaron's head, pushing his chair back to give themselves more space. Robert's legs are spread and Aaron is bringing him to orgasm, Robert cannot control himself as he comes; his body strains pushing deep into Aaron's mouth making sure that he takes every last drop. Fuck, even for Aaron that was an amazing blow job.

When he has finally finished coming, Aaron pulls away from him smiling as Robert bends over putting his head on the desk in complete exhaustion and relief as Aaron says, "Aww such community spirit Robert, Edna will be so proud."

Robert just turns his head which is still resting on the desk to look at him, out of breath, letting out a small laugh; he doesn't know whether to kiss him or kill him.

.

Aaron - 10th September 2016

Aaron is walking up-to the pub to see if Chas and Diane need a hand with any last minute preparations, when he meets Ashley heading down to the church. He can't help but smile thinking about earlier in the week in the portacabin.

"Ah, Aaron, good morning, are you well?"

"Morning, not so bad thanks." 

"Robert not with you?"

"He's on his way, had to pop into Leeds; apparently he couldn't find the right tie to go with his new suit."

Marlon and Laurel are renewing their wedding vows after finally getting everything back on track they decided they wanted to do this as a kind of fresh start. They got married on the 11th, but there is a christening booked already so they decided to have it on the Saturday instead. This works out better anyway knowing everyone would need the Sunday to recover from the expected hangovers from the do in the pub afterwards.

After helping Chas and Diane, they all head down to the church together; it's a nice September day, warm, the sun is shining. Aaron glances down at his watch, just coming up-to two o'clock, Robert is cutting it a bit fine; he probably couldn't decide which one to choose, this usually means he comes back with at least two new ties.

Aaron fires off a quick text, 'Where R U?' as they go into the church. The ceremony goes off without a hitch and afterwards they all roll into the Woolpack for food and drinks. There are the usual speeches and merriment that comes with being part of the Dingle clan, but it's a good day.

It's about five and Aaron heads outside with his pint, sitting at one of the picnic tables outside the pub he calls Robert for the third time, but it goes straight to voicemail. He is beginning to get more than a little concerned now; Robert wouldn't be this late without letting him know. Aaron heads back into the pub, there is nothing he can do; it's too early to properly panic, but Aaron has a nagging feeling inside.

.

"Still nothing?" Chas comes up-to him and he shakes his head.

"Where is he mum?" Aaron looks worried.

Chas strokes the side of his head, "He'll be fine, don't fret love, he's probably just lost his mobile or something. It's not exactly as if he is a big fan of Marlon, he probably met up with someone and has lost track of time. Have you tried Jake?"

Aaron knows that Robert would have called if he had met someone unexpectedly, "No, Jake's are away, they went on holiday last week and aren't back for another few days yet." He goes over and sits with Adam and Vic, trying to get into the conversation and not worry about Robert. 

.

Chas yells over to Diane, "Hey Diane, phone for you, she holds out the pub's land-line phone for her as Diane comes up laughing, glass of wine in hand.

"Who is it pet?"

"Didn't quite catch it; too much noise in here."

Diane takes the phone and goes out into corridor so she can hear properly. When she comes back into the bar, she is white as a sheet. Both Aaron and Chas see immediately something is wrong.

Aaron helps Diane sit down on a bar stool, Chas puts a hand on her arm, "Diane love...., Diane what's wrong?" as she glances across at Aaron.

Aaron can feel his panic rising as Diane says, "It's Robert," people around them start to quieten, listening to find out what's going on. Everyone had seen the look of shock on Diane's face as she came back into the bar. Vic comes up and stands next to Aaron; Diane looks at Aaron, "He's been arrested."

Aaron would have felt a kind of relief at hearing this if the look on Diane's face didn't look so shocked as she continues, "He's been arrested on suspicion of attempted murder," there was now a shocked silence descending on the pub.

TBC


	36. How The Devil Are Ya?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deciding which tie to choose becomes the least of Roberts problems whilst out shopping in Leeds.

Robert - Tuesday 13th Sept 2016, Leeds Police Station - 4pm

"If you'd just like to sign here for your belongings Mr Sugden."

"And I'm free to go, you are not charging me, you are sure?"

"Don't stray too far from home, we may wish to interview you further, but yes you are free to leave." I pick up the pen and sign, I'm not going to argue with them. I am still not fully clear on exactly everything that has happened in the last few days and all I want to do is get out of here and find Aaron; I just need to get home. 

.

Robert - Saturday 10th September, Leeds City Centre - 1.00pm

I just know Aaron is so going to take the mickey. I was late coming into Leeds because, well Aaron was just too irresistible and then once here, as usual I couldn't choose which tie I liked best; so in the end I bought both of them. What can I say, some habits die hard. Due to my inability to choose however, I am running more than a tad late. Glancing at my watch I still reckon, with a bit of luck, I will make it to the church on time so it should all be good. I'm just about to go into the multi-storey, but I stop, finding myself all of a sudden frozen to the spot; I hear a voice which sends a combination of shock and dread through me. It can't be surely? I hide behind the wall of the car park entrance in an attempt to stay hidden whilst trying to get a better look in the direction of where the voice is coming from. 

I will never forget that voice for as long as I live and I know I'm not mistaken; now with a clearer view, I find myself staring straight at the man from the pub last July. I hastily grab my phone out of my pocket and take a photo, both of him and then together with guy opposite him. They appear to be saying goodbye, having just come out of the casino. 

The thought crosses my mind for a split second that I should call the police maybe, but they will take forever and what would be the point? We don't have any proof; it would be his word against ours. No, I ring Cain. This needs to stay within the family, he might still not be my biggest fan, but there's nothing he wouldn't do for Aaron. Between us we will deal with him, hopefully Aaron will never need to know. Cain isn't picking up so I leave him a message to call me back urgently. The man is beginning to walk down the street; there is no way I am going to let him walk off never to be seen again, so I start to follow hoping Cain will ring me back soon.

.

I keep my distance as he walks down past the registry office towards the market. Shit, I think I've lost him, I can't see him. No no, there he is; I sigh with relief, he was just in a doorway shielding from the wind lighting up. Cigarette lit, he continues on down towards The Calls. Let's hope he doesn't have his car parked down this way, I would lose him for sure then. 

So far so good, he is heading down in the direction of the arches. Once more I think I've lost him, I don't see him anywhere, but I realise all too late that I haven't as he is suddenly at my side putting his arm around my shoulders; I feel the stab of a gun. I can't see it, but I'm pretty sure it's real, pressing into my side through his jacket as he cheerily says, "Well now, if it isn't young Mr Sugden, how the devil are ya?" I grimace, but don't say anything.

"What a pleasure it is to see you again, it was so unfortunate that last time we didn't get to finish our conversation." He is chatting away as though it is just two friends who have met unexpectedly, calm as a cucumber, all the while guiding me with the gun towards a door of one of the archway units; the windows are all whitewashed and a 'To Let' sign on the outside. 

With the pressure of the gun digging in hard I daren't try and make any sign to people passing by or call out for help. I silently kick myself for being so careless and stupid; I had always known he was the real deal and not just some want to be gangster. He probably picked me up tailing him a mile off. I feel a hint of panic as the doorway of the unit closes behinds us; no-one has any idea where I am or what I've got myself into.

.

The gun is now visible as he tells me to continue up the open staircase. There is no banister, I see it lying on the floor below; it looks like the unit is undergoing renovation. It's just one big room above, with no windows and it's mostly empty with just a few boxes and random chairs scattered around. He motions for me to get down on my knees, "Phone please Mr Sugden, we don't want any untimely disruptions now do we," he smiles at me patiently. I get down on my knees, but hesitate slightly before fishing my mobile out of my pocket and hold it out for him. He removes the SIM card then stamps on the phone smashing it to pieces; my feeling of panic goes up another notch. 

I hear the door downstairs and the sound of a person coming up the stairs but any hope that this might be someone who could help is quickly dashed; there is a clear nod of recognition from the man. I daren't turn to see, but I can feel someone stood somewhere not too far behind me. 

The man from the pub pulls up a chair and perches on it just a little in front of me, still smiling away at me, "So what are we going to do with you, eh Mr Sugden? It's a shame that I don't have time to play just at this moment. I did so very much enjoy myself with that young fella of yours the last time we saw each other. What was his name now? That's it...., Aaron, he was a feisty young lad for sure; did he tell you about the games we played? He really was a very good sport."

I hold back the urge to just go for him and sod the consequences, I know I wouldn't get very far; he would shoot me dead without a second thought. I had forgotten how smooth he is with it all, how much he clearly enjoys what he does and let's face it, he is good at it. Just listening to him talk like that makes me feel sick and scares the crap out of me, "It was such a surprise to hear you made it out okay, a miracle even." 

Trying to keep my voice calm, I want to see if he will give anything away, "That must have disappointed Lawrence; I'll bet he wasn't too pleased?"

As expected though he doesn't bite, "Well I don't know any Lawrence, but on a personal note there were certain, how should I put it, positives to be taken from the day; it was quite an unforgettable experience, wouldn't you agree? And well on the bright side, things have a habit of working out don't they? Such as our chance meeting today; you could say fate even. I might just take the liberty and finish the job; just think afterwards, maybe I will go and visit your young Aaron again, what do you think eh? Think he'll be pleased to see me after all this time?" All I feel is fear when he talks about Aaron. I will do whatever I have to; there's no way I'm going to let him get anywhere near him, not this or any other time if it's the last thing I do.

The man's mobile starts to ring, after looking at his phone he stands up, "Please do excuse me won't you, let me just take this a while; I'll be back in a jiffy, my friend here will take good care of you I am sure." I debate if I take the risk and make a move or try and start a conversation, but I have no idea who this guy behind me is or what he is capable of. I know the man wouldn't hire amateurs so in the end I wait and do nothing; the quiet is really unnerving.

.

Robert - Saturday 10th September, Leeds - 1.50pm

I am struggling to open my eyes, everything feels fuzzy and I can hear voices shouting but they seem so distorted and distant that I can't really make anything out; the god awful ringing in my ears isn't helping either. I lift my head with a sudden start, trying to work out why everything feels so wrong; the last thing I remember was the man coming back upstairs after his phone call.

I am lying in a funny, awkward position and even though now my eyes are finally open I'm having real difficulty to focus still. The first thing I see is the man, lying by my side unconscious and I see blood, a lot of blood. I am distracted trying to get my bearings as I realise I have something heavy in my hand; I turn my head to the side to see what it is, only to see that I am holding the gun, my finger is even on the trigger still. 

The noise around me is becoming clearer, I hear the shouting of, "Police, Police, put the gun down, put the gun down," I feel myself shaking now with the shock of what is happening beginning to register; I put the gun down and try to push it away from me with my hand and then raise my arms outwards to show I'm not holding or concealing anything else. There is a sudden charge of people towards me, they grab hold of me, dragging me up roughly and I feel the handcuffs tighten around my wrists. 

There is a person either side of me, one of them pushes my head downwards; I don't get chance to speak and it's clearly not going to make a difference anyway as they keep their hands on my head forcing it down still so I can't look around as they walk me out of the unit. I try to get my brain to focus; come on Suggers, think....., what the hell just happened?

.

Robert - Saturday 10th September, Leeds Police Station - 5pm

After being checked by the doctor to make sure I had no injuries, they had processed me; since then I seem to have been sat forever in this interview room. It's hot and stuffy, not helped by the blue overall suit thing I am wearing; they took my clothes as soon as I was brought in. Sat next to me is my lawyer, I had requested they call Rakesh but they couldn't get hold of him. The firm knew me from the divorce stuff and that I knew the family so they sent me this guy saying he is their expert; but I don't know him and he doesn't know me. While we had been waiting I have been trying to piece back together in my head what happened, it was all so quick, I can't seem to fit everything so it makes sense.

Eventually two officers enter the interview room, making me jump slightly. They introduce themselves but I don't catch the names; a DI something or other and sergeant blah blah, what does it matter what they are called? My mind is still really struggling to focus; I desperately need to try and work out exactly what happened, otherwise I am going to be in real serious trouble.

.

I explain that he had tried to kill us in the fire last July; I don't talk about what happened to Aaron, it will be in the records anyway. I tell them that I had followed him after recognising his voice, but he had caught onto me and along with this other guy, they were holding me at gun point. I told them over and over that when he came back upstairs from his phone call, without any warning he had shot the guy behind me, he shot him twice; I have absolutely no idea why. 

It had all happened so quickly, the sound of the gun was horrific, it was so loud; I remember hearing the guy fall to the ground and I had tried to run. I had managed to stand up but hadn't got any further because the gun was then pointing right at me; I wasn't going anywhere and he was no longer looking for some amusement. I remember seeing he was holding the gun with some kind of cloth wrapped around his hand so I assume he had cleaned any prints already and wouldn't be leaving any.

.

They don't stop bombarding me with questions; we are going round and round in circles for what feels like hours. I think I have now more or less remembered what happened, more falling into place each time we repeat it; but that doesn't mean it all makes sense. The problem I have is that the police just don't believe me or don't want to believe me. They think I tried to kill him for revenge, both him and his accomplice and being the amateur I am, I had screwed it up.

It isn't actually clear to me at the moment exactly what condition either of them are in because the officers ignore my questions, but I assume they are both still alive; I had been cautioned on suspicion of attempted murder and not murder.

.

There was no doubt in my mind he had been going to kill me; he had come in closer, his whole demeanour had changed and he was about to pull the trigger but there was a sudden loud bang from outside that just distracted him a second long enough and I had gone for him. I had tackled him as hard and fast as I could and pushed him; we struggled backwards so that we were up against the wall. My hand was round his wrist bashing his arm against the wall trying to force him to let the gun go and I had succeeded; he had dropped it but we were still struggling as the gun lay on the floor. 

I went for the gun after managing to get free and picked it up, I was trying to point it at him, but immediately he came at me hard; he was real quick for an older guy. We had been so close to the top of the stairs that the momentum of his tackle forced us headlong, downwards; I remember hearing the gun go off at least twice, I'm not sure, I don't actually remember pulling the trigger. He had caught me at such an angle that we didn't roll down the stairs, because the banister was missing, we had more or less rolled off and fallen straight down onto the floor. I remember the feeling of being in mid-air, falling together into nothingness; a bullet must have hit the unit window somehow because there was the sound of glass shattering. The next thing I knew was waking up with the police yelling at me. 

.

Even if the two men were known criminals to them, it's clear that at the moment Robert Sugden is their prime suspect on trying to kill them; I have motive, means and they believe intent. I was holding the gun, the gun which they believe was used to shoot the other two and I am the only person to come out of there without a bullet in him. Maybe with hindsight I should have lied about the fire and following him, but I hadn't been able to come up with another excuse for being there that would have made it any better. I had decided to tell the truth; I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. 

TBC


	37. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert goes home after being released without charge. The Police interview Aaron.

Aaron and Robert - Tuesday 13th Sept 2016, Leeds Police Station - 4pm

Robert is staring blankly at the wall as he waits for the Duty Sergeant to finish signing him out. He is glad to be back in his own clothes but feeling quite disoriented as the decision to release him, had for Robert at least, come quickly and without much warning. He hadn't thought to ring anyone, but as he is let out of the holding area into the reception, the first person he sees is Aaron waiting for him. 

Robert hardly ever shows his more emotional vulnerable side in public, but the relief he felt as he falls into Aaron's arms is overwhelming and is visible to anyone watching. Aaron is holding him, shielding his face protectively with his arms around him as Robert struggles to hold back his feelings.

Aaron had made everyone else stay back in the village so he was the only one waiting for him. The drive home is quiet, they don't even really look at each other much; but Aaron's hand never leaves Robert's, even lifting Robert's hand with his as he changes gears. They drive straight home and once back inside the cottage Aaron makes a coffee whilst Robert has a shower and changes into his joggers. 

.

Robert is sat on the bed contemplating a little as Aaron brings his coffee up. They heard someone knocking at the door downstairs, but Aaron had locked up; he had already texted Diane that they were back but to give them some space so they ignored it as they lay on the bed and hold each other close. 

They had hardly said a word to each other since leaving the Station, but they had held some kind of physical contact with each other constantly, the only break being when Robert had gone for his shower. Holding each other now their emotional need for each other intensifies even further, it's not a need specifically for sex, it's an overpowering craving for closeness; they feel safe in each other's arms. 

It was Robert who initiated their love making, he had wanted to belong to Aaron and as Aaron pushed inside him that was exactly how he felt. They made love with such an intimacy and physical closeness that their bodies hardly parted. As Aaron came inside him, Robert stroked himself off with Aaron's hand wrapped around his; without the need to talk they timed it so they both came together. 

Afterwards, Aaron senses that Robert still isn't quite ready to talk, but he feels him relax for the first time since they got back as they climb under the duvet; Aaron wraps his arms around him and holding him close they fall asleep.

.

Aaron pushes open the bedroom door with his foot, carrying a fresh coffee for Robert and a mug of tea for himself. Aaron climbs back into bed and Robert sits up as he takes the mug from Aaron, hugging his knees to him and rests his coffee on them, the duvet protecting him from the heat. Aaron watches him as he quietly blows onto his coffee waiting for it to cool down enough to drink. 

Robert looks sideways at Aaron, "Sorry."

Aaron frowns, a little confused, "What for? You don't have anything to be sorry for."

Robert blows on the coffee again, staring into the dark liquid, "I should have just walked away or called the police instead; as usual I don't think, I just do. What if they had charged me or if he had killed me? I am so stupid Aaron, just so stupid."

Aaron puts his hand on Robert's back and rests his chin on his shoulder, "Well they haven't and you are home, here with me now, in our bed; so don't think about what if." Aaron paused to take a drink of his tea then looks back at Robert, "It'll be okay. You know they have charged him right?" 

.

Aaron - Sunday late morning 11th September 2016, Leeds Police Station

"Aaron Livesy?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"DS Thewlis, come this way."

"Can I see him?"

"No, I'm afraid not, you know how it works," I nod, they have obviously seen my file so they know I have been in and out of police stations enough across the years.

I follow him to the interview room, but am a little surprised; it's not the usual bland grey box of a room, it's more like a family room which starts making me nervous about what they are going to ask. It had obviously crossed my mind that what happened last July is somehow connected, because if it really is the case that Robert did this, it has to be something big to set him off and actually try to kill someone. Yet I still don't know anything for sure other than Robert has been arrested for attempted murder and that two people are in hospital, one critical. It had been on the news but they hadn't released any pictures or names, not even Robert's. 

The lawyer had called though just before I had set off, he told us that the Police have been granted an extension to hold Robert another thirty-six hours because of the seriousness of the crime. This gives them longer to investigate, I don't know if that's a good thing or not; I suppose it depends on what they find out. I'm not really sure how he will cope being in lock up for this long, but I'm certain deep down he will be bricking it. He's not the only one, I can't even begin to consider the possibility that he could get sent down.

.

I'm restless so I wander round the room whilst I am waiting, browsing some of the children's books; I end up building my own little tower with the kid's building blocks. The door opens and DS Thewlis comes back in with a lady in tow, "This is DI Jenkins, she is leading the investigation."

I just nod as I stand and lean against the wall with my hands behind my back, "Do I need a Brief?"

She goes to sit down on the sofa, the Sergeant following but he sits on the chair to the side, "Not unless you want one, it's just some background questions at this time. Do you want anyone else with you?"

"No, I'm good."

"Okay then. Can I call you Aaron?" I nod, "Good. Aaron, I assume you are aware that Robert Sugden has been arrested on suspicion of attempted murder. We are still working through the evidence and trying to understand what happened yesterday and why." She opens a file, "Circumstances are becoming more complicated than were originally presented," she pauses and I wait for her to continue. 

.

She looks at me intently, "Aaron I am going to show you two photos and I would like you to tell me if you recognise either of the persons, is that okay?"

I hesitate, half wishing I had asked someone to come with me; I see her holding two paper folders, presumably with the pictures inside. I push myself away from the wall and go sit on the arm of the sofa to the left of where she is sitting. She looks at me waiting to see if I am ready, she then opens the first folder and puts the photo on the coffee table in front of me. I feel a wave of relief, "No, I don't know him. I've never seen him before."

"Are you sure?" I nod. I can feel my breathing is heavier, I pick up the photo for a closer look, but I am certain.

"I'm sure, I don't know him."

"Okay," she puts the photo back into the paper folder and brings the other folder to the top; I can feel them both watching me closely, "are you ready?"

I nod, again she opens the folder and I see the photo; I wasn't prepared on any level for my reaction. The next thing I know is I am throwing up against the wall where I had been stood earlier; I can't focus and am struggling to breathe as I feel myself falling to the ground. I vaguely hear them calling my name and shouting for a doctor. I close my eyes to try and shut everything out, but I still see the picture, it won't go away; the picture of the man from the pub that day.

.

When I open my eyes, I am laying on my side on the floor of the interview room; there is the Station doctor with his hand on my wrist monitoring my pulse, watching over me. "It's okay Mr Livesy, the ambulance is on its way." 

I feel embarrassed when I see the DI and the DS standing in the background; mumbling, "I'm fine," and I try to get up, but he gently pushes me back down. To be honest, I don't think I could have got up even if I had wanted to.

"Just lie still, we need to get you checked over at the hospital; it's standard procedure okay? You have been unconscious for over a good minute or so." Again the picture of the man fills my head pushing everything else out of my thoughts; my head is pounding and I feel like I am no longer in control, my mind and body shutting down. I want to say something but I can't as I feel my eyes close. Somewhere in the distance I hear the doctor talking to me, trying to keep me awake, but I can't fight it as I fall unconscious once more.

.

I wake up in hospital A&E, hooked up-to some kind of machine. Paddy is by my side and I can hear mum somewhere not far away getting worked up. It sounded like she was having a right old go at someone. I look at Paddy, he gives me a knowing smile as he tells me, "She's telling the Police to go get knotted." 

I manage a half smile back at him, "Maybe you should go save them," but she's apparently finished as she comes back in, her face instantly softening as she sees me now awake.

"Hey you, I thought you promised me no more hospitals?" she squeezed my hand and gives me a kiss on my forehead. 

"Sorry, just had a shock."

"Well, that must have been one hell of a shock Aaron for you to end up in here. They won't tell me anything, why were you even being interviewed, what the hell did they ask you?" I know mum is worried, she can't keep the agitation from her voice, "why didn't you get one of us to come with you?"

I don't want to tell her yet, nor Paddy, they will only worry and then Cain will find out. I don't need the stress of worrying about them worrying about me, "I don't think that would have made any difference, do you mum?"

"Maybe not, but at least we would have been there for you."

The doctor comes in to assess me, saving me from more questions. Thankfully he shoos everyone out so we can have some privacy; he wants to keep me in overnight. I convince him to let me leave, but he would only sign me out after giving me an injection to help me stay calm and I had to stay in A&E for a couple of hours under observation without experiencing any further problems. The injection is one of the drugs I had every now and again back when I had first been released from the in-patient facility, so I knew I would be okay with it.

.

After being discharged, I go find mum and Paddy in the reception. Mum looks relieved, "Right you, you're coming home with us," but I brush her off. I see DS Thewlis also waiting, I can't resist a slight smile as I notice he is keeping a safe distance from my mum.

"No mum, I need to go back with him," as I nod in the direction of the DS. I try and keep from sounding too harsh, "it's something I have to do; it might help Robert so please mum, just back off. I'm not going home, not yet."

I see her hesitating, "Then you let one of us go with you."

"No," I see Paddy about to side with mum on this one, "No Paddy, I don't want you there, either of you." There must be something in how I had said it, because for once they don't stop me as I walk over the DS Thewlis. "You still have questions for me?"

He nods, "Are you sure you feel up-to it?"

"Yeah, maybe don't go showing me any more pictures without telling me a little more first, but yes I'm sure." The injection is helping already and I am more prepared now; before it was the sudden shock of seeing the photo. I have to hold it together for Robert's sake, if this can somehow help then I will find a way to deal; I just hope that this doesn't make things worse instead, for either of us.

DS Thewlis catches my arm as we get outside, on the way to his car, "I'm sorry, we never once expected you to react....," he searches for the right word, "react so extreme. We couldn't give you any forewarning because it could be interpreted as trying to bias your response if we ever have to go to trial."

"It's okay, I mean I knew there was a possibility it would come up when I came in; I didn't think I would react to it like that either. Is he one of the people Robert is accused of trying to kill?" 

"Let's get to the Station; it's a little more complicated."

TBC


	38. Evidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron returns to the Police Station to continue the interview.

Aaron - Sunday early evening, 11th Sept 2016 - Leeds Police Station

Back at the Station, together with DS Thewlis, we are heading down the corridor, when a PC comes hurrying over to us, "Sarg Carter needs you."

DS Thewlis sighs, "Ok, let me just take Mr Livesy to the interview suite and I'll be right there."

The PC hesitates, "Errr, actually he wants both of you. Mr Sugden is causing what you might call some concern."

DS Thewlis looks at me and I follow him quickly into the custody office where the Duty Sergeant looks a little frazzled, "Good timing gentleman, hopefully we can avoid having to restrain him."

The Duty Sergeant sees me clench my fists and I feel myself tense, "Now don't worry son, he just overheard some talk and put two and two together so he knows you were taken to hospital; you feeling okay?"

I nod, but I won't relax until I've seen him, he smiles at me, "Glad to hear, he wouldn't believe us so now you are back here, you can tell him yourself. He looks me up and down to make sure for himself I suppose that I am alright, "Okay, come with me."

I follow him to the cells, "It's quietened down now, it was very busy earlier, still clearing the rest of last night's guests; but we are still very crowded all over the station one way or another, so this is the easiest place to let you see him." Before we walk down the corridor he turns to me, "As you are still in the middle of giving your statement I prefer that you remain outside; keep a distance between you and don't talk of anything specific to the case so as not to be a cause for potential bias in anything. Do you understand?" I nod as I look down the corridor to see if I could see which cell he was in.

"Now listen, he was really very angry before, panicking, shouting and threatening. He's stopped this now, but he has started to pace round his cell and is becoming physically very agitated. He has started showing all the signs he might harm himself, so hopefully seeing you will calm him down. DS Thewlis and myself will observe from a short distance okay?" I nod once more as we start to walk down the corridor; we stop outside a cell door with Robert's name and the caution of 'Attempted Murder' written on the slate to the side. 

I can hear Robert mumbling to himself behind the cell door, but not quite what he is saying. The Duty Sergeant opens the viewing hatch, "Mr Sugden, you have a visitor, I am going to open the door. Under no circumstances must you exit the cell or discuss anything specific to the investigation, do you understand?"

No response....., "Mr Sugden, do you understand?"

I lose my patience, "Robert it's me, I'm here okay, he won't open the door until you agree."

"Aaron?" 

"Yes, I'm here."

He sounds much closer to the door when he answers, "Yes, yes I understand."

"Remember Mr Sugden, I would like you to stay within the cell," the Duty Sergeant looks at me and gives me a quick smile as he unlocks and opens the door.

.

Robert is stood by the cell doorframe, as close as he can get to being outside it as possible. I take a pace forward, but stop myself. I glance over at the Duty Sergeant who has moved away and is standing together with DS Thewlis, far enough to not intrude, but close enough to see and hear everything.

Strangely enough now the door is open, neither of us say anything for what seems an age; our eyes are doing the talking as we look each other over, a combination of checking we are both okay and a huge desire to touch, made so much worse knowing that we can't. I have to go lean back against the corridor wall for something to tether myself to otherwise I'm not sure I can stay strong enough to keep my distance.

Robert smiles at me, he looks tired and very tense but at least his eyes look calm enough now that he has seen I am okay for himself. The silence is finally broken when he asks, "What happened?"

"I just reacted badly to something I saw, I'm good now. The doc gave me a shot and its okay... I'm okay." I can see he doesn't know whether to believe me or not, "I'm fine Robert, really." I smile at him, god how I want to hold him; it's killing me not being able to touch him.

He takes me by surprise saying, "I heard they showed you his photo?"

Knowing I can't say anything I look away, but this in itself was enough answer. I glance again at DS Thewlis to make sure we are still good.

Robert continues, "Look, I don't know what's going on.....,"

"Be careful Mr Sugden," cautions the Duty Sergeant.

As he rethinks his words, I see Robert's worried about me, "Don't do anything you don't want to, you understand, not for me or anyone. I'll be alright, whatever happens....., with this....., you are more important to me than anything. Do you hear?"

"It'll be fine. I'm fine."

"What if it's too much, the questions..... Aaron I can't lose you, not again, not like before. I don't know what I'd do if that happened because of all this." I see a tear running down his cheek and do my best to hold it together, I don't care if the others see, but I need to be strong for Robert.

It won't, you won't lose me; I'm fine. I promise and Robert, I won't lose you either; not after everything we've been through, I love you too much."

Robert's eyes are piercing into mine, I have never been more aware than now of how completely in love with him I am. I don't know how I resist the urge to go to him and hold him, but I manage it somehow.

I see the Duty Sergeant making a sign that maybe we should say goodbye as I hear a lot of noise coming from the custody office, "I should go," I stand back off the wall, but I don't want to leave him, I never want to be apart from him again. "I'll see you soon okay?" 

I start to move a little down the corridor still facing him as he says, "I love you."

I can't take my eyes off him as I slowly start to step backwards away from him, I can still see him, just, his head resting against the cell door frame, "Maybe when you get home you should ask that question again," I smile at him now properly with a big grin on my face, "you know the one," and on that note I turn and walk back down the corridor.

I hear him shout back at me through the cell door now being locked by the Sergeant, "You know that means you have to buy a new suit though, right Livesy?"

I just smile to myself.

.

After DS Thewlis had done the interview formalities, the video running, DI Jenkins starts, "Aaron, thank you for coming back in for us. I appreciate you had a shock earlier, it was clearly difficult; however we need your help still, which means there might be a lot more difficult moments for you." She pauses as someone else now enters the room. "This is Doctor Cartwright who will remain with us during the interview and either he or you can ask us to stop at any time, okay?"

I watch him take a chair and sit a little to the side of us; I think he was the doctor who was with me before I went to hospital. I'm not sure how I feel about him being here, it's as though they are expecting me to lose it again. I look back at the DI, "I just want to know what happened, I want Robert back home with me." I wish he was here with me now to do this; I push away the sudden urge to cry, I have to stay strong for his sake.

DI Jenkins continues, "Quite a lot of other things have been going on today but before we continue, I have to go back to what we were discussing this morning. It's important to record your response regarding the photo I showed you before. Do you think you can you do that for me?"

"Yes," this makes it clear why they want the doctor to be here. 

"Are you sure you don't want anyone with you?" she is staring at me intently. I suppose she doesn't want to have to do the paperwork for me going back to hospital a second time in one day. 

"Yes, show me the picture," I stare at her directly now, "I'll be okay." There is no-one I want with me other than Robert, and there's no way they will ever allow that. 

I see the same paper folder from before on the table in front of her, she pushes it towards me without opening it. "For the record Mr Livesy is being shown item 21b," she says a little more softly now, "Take your time Aaron."

I stare down at the folder. Almost every night for months I'd had nightmares about this guy, hearing his voice taunting me and threatening me. I never told Robert, but even now a week doesn't go by where at some point or another he doesn't invade my thoughts or my sleep; so seeing a picture of him really shouldn't be that difficult. I take a deep breath and open the folder; I stare at the photo for a minute and pick it up, looking more closely at his features. He just looks like any bloke would at that age, maybe someone's Granddad and that's how he was, just a normal bloke. That's what had made him so scary, he had chatted away to me like it was just friendly banter. Though I know it actually wasn't just a normal day even for him, he had told me that having me was actually a very special treat that he had allowed himself; something that he hadn't done for a very long time.

I am pulled out of my thoughts by DI Jenkins, "Aaron?"

I answer, still staring at the photo, "Sorry, I was just....., just remembering. I don't know his name but he's the man from the pub that day that held me and Robert and left us to die in the fire."

"You are absolutely certain?"

I look up now and stare directly at her, "Yes, I'm sure. It's him; I'll never ever forget his face or that day."

.

"Okay." She takes the photo and the folder from me, "following on from another lead we were able to obtain a warrant and searched his house earlier today. I would like to show you some items we found, which are of interest to us."

"What lead?"

She doesn't answer my question, "I know it's frustrating, I promise you we are doing everything we can to piece this all together." 

She puts a box on the table and pulls out 3 evidence bags; I stare at the items whilst she states the references for the video recording. There was a belt in one of them and cuff links in another then in the third there was just a plastic carrier bag with the brewery's logo on it. 

I look at her shocked, but manage to keep calm, "They will be sent off for forensics, but we wanted to show them to you first. Do you recognise them?"

I nod unable to take my eyes from them, "He kept them?" I look at the DI but she doesn't give anything away in her expression.

I can't believe he would have been so stupid as to keep them, I mean he would surely have known if anyone found them, they would link directly to me. I suppose he never thought he would get caught. 

"Robert gave me the cuff links when we moved in together; they have our initials on the top and the date on the underside. I think he had them done custom at some jewellers in Leeds." I smile, "he likes nice things like these." I pick up the bag, I had forgotten all about them; I stare at them a little while finding myself lost in thought. I put the bag back down on the table and look at the other two. I am less keen to look at these and they pick up on this, noting my increased fear which is now clearly visible.

.

It is DS Thewlis who picks up the bag with the belt in it; I flinch without realising it and look away. "Aaron does the belt look familiar also?" 

I push the feeling of nausea back down as he places the bag on the table, directly in front of me. I force myself to look and I pick it up, "It looks like my belt, but it's just a bog standard belt, I don't even remember where I bought it.... assuming it's mine." I put it back down quickly and push it over to him. They aren't stupid; they can tell there's something I am not telling them.

I startle them as I suddenly get up, I pace a little, I feel agitated now, wondering if they are playing me, I stop and lean against the wall, "How's this all helping? How do I know I am not just making things worse for Robert?"

DI Jenkins considers her response, it looks like she's trying decide what to tell me and what to hold back, "Aaron there are two investigations which have now been combined, the one is the incident yesterday and the other relates back to the fire last July and the assault on you. The investigating teams are now working together; I cannot give too much information at this time because of other actions in play, however you are the connection between these two investigations. I can tell you that this interview will have no bearing on events yesterday or on Robert's case. DS Thewlis and I have been tasked with collecting evidence to allow us to charge the main suspect for what happened last July."

I absorb what she has told me, "So if charges are brought, then I would have to testify in court?"

"Yes, I know it's hard Aaron, even if we get the forensic evidence, without your testimony we wouldn't get a conviction."

"And Robert, what about him?"

"I'm sorry Aaron, I cannot comment on that part of the investigation." 

"What if I don't want to answer any more questions?"

"Then in all likelihood, the man who hurt you will get away with what he did to you both and will walk free."

There is a knock at the door and the interview is suspended as both the DI and the DS leave the room. After a few minutes they return, "Aaron we are going to have to finish for today, think about it overnight. I would like to continue the interview tomorrow with you, come in for 10am, okay?" I get up to leave completely confused about how I feel as I watch her leave again.

.

I wait for DS Thewlis to collect his things before he escorts me out, it's just him and me now as we walk towards reception. As he is about to open the door into reception he catches my arm and very quietly says, "Aaron, just be patient, it'll be okay."

I don't get chance to ask him anything further as he opens the door, "PC Dalton, would you be so kind as to sign out Mr Livesy," he turns to me, "tomorrow at ten okay?" He doesn't wait for a response and disappears as the door closes behind him.

That was so weird, but for some reason I trust him but I suppose he could just be spinning me a line to make sure I come back tomorrow. About that, I'm not sure just how to feel.

TBC


	39. Witness Statement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final witness statements are given which will ultimately determine the future.

Robert - Monday morning, 12th September 2016, Leeds Police Station

I sit, arms crossed, my irritation evident to everyone in the room. I am so annoyed as this is the third or fourth set of officers to interview me since they arrested me; I am losing track, can they not just sort it out? No-one tells me what is going on, my lawyer is no help whatsoever and I am still in custody; the only line I get with any consistency is that 'the investigation is ongoing'. Well no shit Sherlock; that much I got already. 

My mood is definitely not helped by the fact I didn't get any sleep again last night. Saturday night was too noisy with all the drunks and football arrests mouthing off all night and then last night although it was quieter I couldn't stop thinking about Aaron. I was so relieved to have seen him yesterday and he did look okay; then he has to go and say something like that as he left. What he said isn't the problem; it's just that if I am charged, the day I come home might be in 30 years' time. You more or less get as long for attempted murder as if you had actually done murder. As I was arrested for attempted murder of two people, which means if convicted I will go away for a very long time.

"Good morning Mr Sugden, I am DI Jenkins, this is DS Thewlis. Nice to finally meet you," If I could have made my expression even more annoyed I would have, but it isn't possible. I look past them, focussing on the wall behind; I am not interested in answering any more questions. They just go round and round in circles, sending in a new lot isn't going to make me change my statement and suddenly admit to it all.

"We are actually looking to question you regarding to an investigation connecting with events from Saturday." I look at my lawyer who just shrugs his shoulders; I am really going to have words with Rakesh.

"We are looking back into what happened last July in Emmerdale." 

Now they had my attention and I am angry. My chair falls back as I stand, hands on the table, leaning forward staring close into her eyes, "Are you the ones that put Aaron in hospital?" 

To give her credit, she stayed sat, no reaction and didn't show any fear, she looked me clear straight in the eyes, "Aaron gave a statement last night and is coming back in again this afternoon. Maybe we could arrange it for you to see him."

I stare at her not moving, smart lady, very smart. I sit back down not particularly appeased, but she knew she had me; if I wanted to see Aaron, I would play ball.

.

Aaron - Monday afternoon, 12th Sept 2016, Leeds Police Station

I hadn't wanted to go home last night, I needed to talk; I needed Robert, but that wasn't an option so in the end I called Jake. They were on holiday up in the Lake District or so I thought, but when I rang, he said he was actually back in Leeds. The holiday apparently had been a last ditch attempt to save the relationship but hadn't gone too well and they had decided to split, so Jake was at his brother's up Chapel Allerton. I felt guilty having rung unaware that they still had this crap going on, they had seemed okay at his birthday do. Jake had convinced me to go up and stay at theirs last night, now sat in the Police Station reception with him next to me, I was glad he had. 

I had always thought if I ever told anyone what happened that day, that it would be Robert. I'm certain after yesterday that I can't do this alone; I want Robert to be here with me more than anything, but that's not possible. Jake is the only other person I can do this with; mum, Paddy, even Cain...., they wouldn't cope with the truth and I couldn't tell it with them there. 

Both him and his brother had been amazing with me last night, they didn't molly coddle me or side step what was going on, but they didn't push me to talk either. I found talking to them strangely easy, about how scared I am and not even sure how much I will be able to say. What scares me the most though will be if it goes to trial; I will have to face him in court and then everyone will know what he did to me. This scares the shit out of me, no-one will ever look at me the same ever again; it will always be there, real or imagined, I will have to deal with that and I'm not sure I could handle it without Robert.

Before going to bed, I had apologised to Jake about him breaking up with Alex; I kind of felt that our shit was the cause, but he just looked at me and said, in the end that people have to accept you for who you are and if they can't then you have to move on. It had made me think how far I had come with Robert, through all our crap we are still together. I don't know what happened on Saturday, but after seeing Robert yesterday, together with what Thewlis said, I am certain that he didn't do what they have accused him of. We can read each other like a book, we can't easily lie to each other; if he had done it, he would have been very different when he spoke to me.

.

For some reason they had called to move the interview back to this afternoon; it feels very different as we walk through the Station today, weird, I can't explain it. Being a Monday I suppose there are a lot more people around, I don't know maybe I am being paranoid, but it went quiet and people were staring when they see me. I initially thought, maybe there are just staring at the poor guy that got raped, but Jake even picked up on it and commented; it wasn't that kind of vibe, it was something else, I just don't know what.

I can smell the faint smell of disinfectant as we go into the same interview room as Saturday, but it's not too bad. They switched the video camera on, Jake is sat next to me on the sofa; the DS is on a chair one side and the DI on another chair the other side. 

They quickly recap where we had got to before; I see the two remaining evidence bags on the coffee table in front of me. They now have my medical file, which I had given them permission to see; I am surprised they have got it so quick, god knows what they thought when they read that. 

Their questions start to push me to tell them from the beginning what had happened that day. This is no longer about Robert on Saturday; this is about what happened to us last July. I don't find it so hard in the beginning, getting to the part where Robert was hit with the baseball bat wasn't so difficult. However now we move onto what happened afterwards and I am still not sure if I can talk about this.

Some other things are bothering me also and I am worried about the consequences of telling them. If I don't give evidence and he goes free, then he might come after us again but if he is convicted he might send someone after us anyway. Jake's brother asked me the simple question on this last night though. Did I want him to pay; did I want him in prison? The simple answer is yes. I want him to pay; I want him to pay for what he did to me more than anything. That doesn't mean though when it comes to it I can give a statement and if I can't even give a statement then I wouldn't have a cat in hells chance of standing up in court.

.

I told them how, as he took my belt off, I had realised what they were going to do to me and that I had started to cry, begging them to stop; but now I just can't seem to find the words to continue. Jake asks me if I want a break, I shake my head, because if we stop now I will leave and won't come back. It's now or never. What I want to tell them, but don't, is that it wouldn't have been so bad if all they had done was just have sex with me, but it was so much worse. He had fucked with my mind as much, if not more, than with my body. I keep this thought to myself though, because I don't think they can ever understand and I feel completely ashamed for even thinking like that.

Because we had more time, this morning Jake had taken me back to Emmerdale to pick something up. I knew that I would struggle to find the words; I pull out my notebook from my back pocket and search for a specific drawing. I'm no artist by any means, but there is no mistaking what is shown in the picture. Even Jake had gasped when he saw the picture; it wasn't at all what he was expecting to see. 

I get up, they watch me as I wander the room; I am a combination of angry, restless as I try to find the words. I stop and stare at the building blocks I had been playing with the other day, thinking how good it would be to be a kid again. Then again, my childhood wasn't the best either, so maybe not.

I go back and sit down picking up the notebook, still open at the page I had shown them and give it to DI Jenkins. "They dragged me over the table, took my clothes off and gagged me. That....." I stare at her directly, "that is how it started." I paused a moment, they waited for me to continue, "He liked to play games, it was all just a game to him, They all had me and helped, held me down but it was him who....., who tortured and controlled me before he raped me." I look across to DS Thewlis and surprisingly matter of fact, I say, "He wanted to break me before killing us and he did, he broke me completely and he enjoyed every minute of it."

I start to tell them what he did to me. My notebook isn't in order of what happened, it is a jumbled mess just like I had been. Sometimes the same act was drawn more than once in different ways at different times depending how I had felt about it when drawing and the more I drew the more details came back to me, so over time they were more detailed the later they were drawn.

.

They knew from how I reacted yesterday that there was more to tell with the belt, I look at the evidence bag still lying on the table in front of me, I pick it up, "In the beginning I had tried to fight him....., them....., I wouldn't do as I was told. There will probably be photos or notes in the file from the hospital from when I was first admitted." My fingers trace the belt through the bag, "He beat me with this....., all over....., my back....., my legs....., everywhere." I shudder as I stop talking, remembering. I was getting exhausted from fighting them, the pain was the worst when the buckle part caught me; he had just laughed at me as they held me down. This had been early on, he was only just beginning to play, he did a lot worse before he fucked me.

I pick up my medical file again and am looking for something; they watch me as I search through for a specific photo. I eventually find it, I knew it must have left a mark; there is no mark to see now on my body, but it was clearly visible on the photo from the hospital taken at the time, "Do you have his lighter? It has a very specific design on it, probably custom done."

They look at each other, "I don't know we would have to check, but we can get it if not. Why?"

I show them the photo, they wouldn't have known what had caused the mark, but if they find the lighter, it will match up.

There were two things I had never drawn, he had scared and humiliated me so much that I hadn't ever been able to draw them. What he did with the lighter and his cigarette was one of them and then the plastic carrier bag was the other. By the time I had told them everything, I was sobbing in Jake's arms, he was holding onto me so tight; it was quite a while before I stopped.

Although everything I had said had been video recorded, they had typed the whole interview up into a statement. When I read it before signing, it almost didn't feel like I was reading about me, but someone else. 

.

I was in no fit state to see Robert afterwards, I was exhausted and I didn't want him to see me like this, but they let Jake go see him. Jake had said he wasn't very happy about not seeing me and he had looked tired still, but he thinks he was going to be okay when he left him. After leaving the Police Station we drove back up to Chapel Allerton, my car was up at Jakes. He had tried to convince me to stay over again, but I wanted to go home; also rejecting his offer to come with me. He's already done more than enough, but I need to sleep and I need some time alone. 

When I get back to Emmerdale, I go to see Diane, Vic and Andy as I had promised I would; they could tell I was completely done in. I didn't really tell them much other than I had given a statement and maybe they will charge the guy responsible for the fire and somehow that he somehow connects into Robert's case but I don't know how exactly. 

Diane told me that she had received a call from the lawyer whilst we were driving back to Emmerdale. He had re-confirmed that that all the evidence was circumstantial and that he had just been updated on a new witness statement which had backed up Robert's version of events, he was waiting to get a copy. However he seems to think that the Police won't put the case to the CPS, the charge of attempted murder would have to be reduced, but apparently something else is going on which he thinks may mean they pull the charges completely.

We will find out one way or another by Wednesday, by then they will have to charge him or release him.

TBC


	40. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron learn the truth about Saturday and events leading up-to Robert's release. Robert struggles to find an opportunity to pop the question.

Robert - Tuesday 13th Sept 2016, Emmerdale - 10pm

I had just been about to ask Aaron to marry me earlier, when DS Thewlis had rung asking if he could call round. It had taken a while for him to explain, but we pretty much now have a clear picture of how everything ties together. Charges had been filed and the press statement will be issued early tomorrow morning. After he had left, Aaron had sat me down and told me everything that had happened to him; he amazingly didn't cry, but I didn't stop from the moment he started talking until well after he finished. 

. 

We are both quiet and tired as we head up-to the Woolpack, but I had called Diane a short while ago and asked her to round up all the families and meet us there for closing. Aaron is very clear, he doesn't want our closest family to find out from the newspapers and TV what is about to be made public. Aaron had also called Jake, considering he had helped him get through giving most of his statement, he wanted him to be there as well.

As we walk, I smile watching Charlie playing, his nose getting in amongst all the flowers as we pass each garden. He is totally oblivious to what has been going on, but he is clearly happy that we are both back at home. I'm not used to getting any special attention from him, he usually reserves that for Aaron, but he must have noticed I hadn't been around the last few days as he was giving me a lot more of the love. Either he had missed me or Aaron had bribed him somehow to be nice to me, which I wouldn't put past him.

.

I can feel Aaron is on edge as we walk into the pub. Heads turn as we enter and there is a quiet pause before conversations re-start; we just ignored them, it's not exactly our first time at being top of the village gossip list. Chas started to pull our pints as soon as she sees us walk through the door and smiles, saying to me, "You okay?" I just nod. She brought me over a whiskey and Aaron frowns at me as I down it in one. 

Vic has perfect timing and comes out of the kitchen having finished up for the night; I suddenly realise I am starving, "Hey Sis, I don't suppose you could knock us up a burger?" I turn to Aaron, he shakes his head, "No, I'm good thanks," but I ask Vic to do an extra portion of chips anyway. I hate it when he steals all mine which is pretty much guaranteed to happen once they appear on the table. 

Normally she would have told me to get lost at this time of night, but not tonight. She came and gave me a big hug before heading back into the kitchen. It felt good; I had really started to worry at one point that I might not be released. Not being able to be near the family that I had become so close to again in the last few months, aside from being apart from Aaron, this is what would have been the worst if they had charged me.

.

I see Aaron stare at the tables where we had been that day. He had always seemed pretty okay whenever we had been in the pub, he had never once let on that he didn't want to be here since we had started coming back in, "We can go in the back room if you want?"

Aaron shakes his head though and looks at me, "No, it's okay, strangely it's okay."

"You sure?"

"Yes." Chas puts our pints on the bar and we both take a drink; why is it that the first drink always tastes so good. We take our glasses and go and sit in the comfy chairs. 

It isn't long before Vic brings out my burger which I demolish in record time; Aaron wouldn't have had chance to get his mits on any of my chips even if he had wanted to they were gone that quick. I see him grinning at me as he watches me eat, "What? I'm hungry okay; I've not eaten much the last few days." When I'm done he leans over, putting his hand around the back of my neck and he kisses me, full on in the middle of the pub; even if it is late at night and quiet, Aaron never does that. 

I think about asking him to marry me now whilst we are waiting for the others, but again I am foiled, it will have to keep for later as I see Jake walk in. 

.

It's just after eleven and everyone is here, Jake is introduced as a close friend of both of us; we have moved so we are now sat on the back wall seat, everyone scattered around us. I can tell Aaron is really nervous, his body is as close to mine as possible in every way. It feels good, I just wish we were here under different circumstances; even for this I'm kind of surprised he is letting them see this side of him like this. I might have made progress with his PDA in the last few months, but this is something different, it is almost like he is trying to be a part of me. He is sat very close, his right leg draped over my left, swinging slightly and he is holding my hand. 

I look at Aaron and ask him quietly if he is okay, he nods then rests his head on my shoulder. We are waiting for Chas to lock the door and come over; she is the last to sit down. There is none of the usual banter, just a weird quiet; no-one knows why they have been asked to come but they can sense it is something serious. There is the whole Dingle clan, the Sugdens and all the Bartons that matter, Paddy, Rhona and Jake. I look at Aaron, suddenly realising we hadn't discussed how we were going to do this, but he squeezes my hand and I know he wants to be the one to tell them.

.

Zak pipes up, "So that's his name then, "Malcolm Bennett, he's the man who tried to burn the pub down with you both in it?" 

Aaron looks at me nervously as next comes the hard part, I kiss his forehead before he continues, "Yes, but he did more than just start the fire that day." Listening to Aaron tell them everything, I am amazed at his strength and also really when I think about it, how much has happened in such a short space of time; not just the last few days but also everything we have been through in the last year. 

The only thing Aaron left out was how I met Jake and how we all became friends. He also kept away from the specifics of what they did to him; it will all come out in court anyway, assuming it gets that far. 

It made a lot more sense to the family now why Aaron had been in psychiatric care and why he had left. There was obviously a lot of shock from those that didn't know anything and even from those that knew some of what had happened, they found it hard hearing Aaron tell them more details.

.

After I had followed Malcolm Bennett, as we now know him to be and had got myself caught, the other guy which he had shot was apparently undercover Police. Completely unconnected to me, he had somehow been sussed; this was the phone call that Bennett had received informing him. 

This was the first time they had ever managed to get anyone close on the inside and he probably wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for my interference. Bennett had been a hit man, as he got older he more organised hits than carried them out. They suspect him of being possibly responsible for hundreds of deaths over the years. He was the best of the best, never been even arrested for any hit. He had been in prison only once when he was much younger for a stupid misdemeanour, where even then they think he probably took the fall for someone else. There were no prints, nothing hardly on his record. 

The undercover Police Officer had confirmed that it wasn't me that shot him, but Bennett. It had just taken a while initially as he had been in critical condition, needing specialist surgery to remove the bullets. He had only woken in the early hours of Sunday morning which had then led to the search warrant. He had also backed up what Bennett had said about Aaron and the pub that day; it had been clear that he intended to kill us both and he would have killed me on Saturday, probably after seriously hurting me. 

The charges against me would never have held up apparently and even if the CPS had tried to prosecute on a lesser charge it would never have led to a conviction; I would most likely have got off on self-defence and the CPS wanted Bennett so they had dropped all charges against me.

This was why everyone in the station had been so weird with Aaron that day. It had been clear Bennett wouldn't ever go to court over shooting the Police Officer, there wasn't enough proof so they went after him for what happened last July and for this they needed me, but more so, they needed Aaron.

They are still gathering evidence and will continue to go after him for other hits and hopefully get more of his accomplices. In the end they have charged him for arson, attempted murder, rape and hiring of others to commit rape, arson and murder.

.

It had also come to light that the one time he had been in prison all those years ago, he had shared a cell with Lawrence White; that was how they knew each other. So now there was a link to go after him, but how easy that would be is another matter; he and Chrissie have disappeared off the face of the earth. 

Forensic evidence is still coming back, but they have enough results along with the other evidence to link him to Aaron that day. Aaron had also given descriptions of old injuries he had seen which he could never have known about otherwise.

He had neither admitted nor denied what they did to us, but he must know that he will be convicted with the amount of evidence now against him. It was his weakness for Aaron and not being able to resist him that day that had been his downfall. From what little DS Thewlis had told them from the interview they don't think he had ever intended to touch Aaron, he didn't make mistakes like that; but there had been something about Aaron which had made him break his own rules and get careless.

Aaron's testimony and his belongings which Bennett had kept as trophies will be what put him away, hopefully for a very long time. The jeweller had still got the records of the cuff links I had given to Aaron, the belt had Aaron's blood on it and the plastic bag had his blood and trace saliva on it.

.

I had promised myself that I would ask Aaron to marry me today, well yesterday; looking at my watch is it well on the way to one in the morning as we leave the pub to go home. Looking at Aaron he is even more exhausted than I feel after all the questions. It can wait; neither of us are going anywhere.

TBC


	41. Mr and Mr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert finally proposes.

Robert - Wednesday 14th Sept 2016

We knew today there would be press around and the village would be full of gossip, so we had already decided we would hibernate for the day. Last night when we got in we had pulled all the curtains in anticipation, to keep out anyone trying to nose in today.

Before leaving the pub Vic had given us some lasagne and a few other bits, bread and milk and stuff knowing we wouldn't have anything in at the cottage; so we are sorted for food and Charlie would just have to be satisfied with being entertained by us at home for the day.

We sleep in late as it is anyway, we don't wake until into the afternoon. If people had been knocking at the door, neither of us had heard anything, we had been so tired. I actually wake before Aaron, I do his trick of watching him sleep; I'm not very good at laying still and I kick him by accident, which causes him to stir.

I snuggle up next to him, my finger playing on his chest, he stretches rising up yawning. My hand rises and falls with his movement which had caused the duvet to fall further down his body so now I can see all of his upper torso and my hand starts wandering a little more. He grins at me, "I need a tea Sugden; we can't be always at it."

I sigh and get up pulling on my dressing gown and go downstairs to make us some drinks and sort out Charlie. We didn't have a house phone and we had put the mobiles on silent, there was a few missed calls and texts but not too bad. I leave them downstairs as I carry some toast and drinks upstairs.

I had started reading 'The BFG' last week and we weren't that far from the end; it was nice to get back to doing some of our normal stuff, so I continued from where we had left off with Aaron laying relaxed in my arms as I read out loud to him.

.

After finishing we go downstairs to get some real food. Aaron was playing games with Charlie in the kitchen whilst I started to look for something to go with the lasagne, but give up, "Lasagne on its own it is. That okay with you?"

"Yep, whatever." 

I am stood at the counter taking the cling film off the lasagne dish when Aaron comes up behind me and sneaks under my arms and snuggles back against me. I have to rest my chin on his shoulder to now see what I am doing, "So Aaron Livesy, would it be a new blue suit you will be wearing on our wedding day or do you want a different colour, you know, just for a change?"

He turns around and puts his arms around my neck, stopping me from what I am doing completely now. He is laughing at me and gives me a kiss, "Is that it? Is that the proposal?"

I act all affronted, "Well every time I got down on bended knees or did the lovey dovey thing you turned me down flat. So, I reckon this time I'll just keep it practical and simple," I manage to keep my face serious adding, "I mean, a boyfriend can only take so much rejection."

He swings us both around, so now it is me leaning against the kitchen unit, he takes a step back and lets his hand wander down my front, taking hold of my left hand; I'm waiting for his answer, but then he takes me by surprise as he gets down on one knee, his beautiful blue eyes staring up at me.

"Robert Jacob Sugden, will you marry me?"

He is breath-taking to look at. I am speechless, actually gobsmacked as I nod my head, but I manage to whisper "Yes, yes I will marry you."

.

Aaron smiles and pulls open my dressing gown, my naked body now showing in full view as he moves towards me; I gasp as I feel him wrap his mouth around me, he knows just how to make me lose control. My hands grab onto the counter either side of me, holding on for dear life as his mouth and tongue quickly turn me hard; very soon he has me on the edge and very close to coming. I pull him up and we kiss passionately, our mouths and hands now everywhere, both dressing gowns discarded we are naked in the kitchen. 

Aaron pushes the kitchen table and chairs to the side with his hand as he drags me back down with him to the floor. He knows I am too close to coming to be inside him and as he plays with my head, I have to move his hand away. He turns me onto my knees and he starts to play with my hole, but the way I am feeling that in itself will make me come. I turn onto my back and lift him so he is kneeling up over me, his dick positioned nicely in front of my mouth; he is already hard as I start to play. As I start to finger his hole at the same time, it doesn't take him long before he is breathing heavily; he has his hands on my head, controlling the position as he pushes into my mouth, his body arching, reacting to the stimulation of my fingers. 

I push him out, turn over onto my front and I guide him inside me. He is holding himself up by one arm, his other hand gripping onto my right shoulder; he is practically doing push ups, his body held straight, moving up and down pushing into me, he is moving fast like a piston, deep and hard. As he gets close he pushes me over onto my back, he starts to fuck me holding my legs out to the side his eyes dancing as they watch me stroke myself. He leans over and kisses me before going back to practically pistoning my body with his thrusts; our love making is now raw and very intense. Aaron leans back as he comes, his hand moving on top of mine increasing the speed of my hand making me come so hard I arch up, feeling him even deeper inside me as our bodies both shudder from intense orgasms.

.

Robert - Saturday 1st October 2016

Neither of us wanted to wait, so we had decided to get married as soon as possible. We could have got married earlier than today, the village church was available, but the rings wouldn't be ready any sooner and apparently when it comes to the important occasion, Aaron is more particular about the suit and shoes he wants than I could have ever imagined. According to Jake who went with him, he said the tailor almost throttled him on more than one occasion. He also said I would be blown away when I see him on the day.

I can hardly contain my excitement, I'm like a big kid in a toy shop with it all; in fact we had both driven everyone nuts with it in the last couple of weeks, so much to do and not a lot of time. We didn't want a big wedding and the do afterwards is in the pub, but we wanted it to be just right.

Jake likes a little of the traditional and had convinced us we shouldn't be in the same house the night before we get married, so I had stayed over with Vic and Adam last night and Jake had stayed with Aaron at ours. 

The ceremony is at eleven-thirty and I have to admit I have butterflies, I smile to myself because I know Aaron will be just the same, worse probably; he gets a complete bundle of nerves at stuff like this.

I don't have time to be too nervous just yet, I have one small matter to take care of before I head down to the church. I look at my watch; it's eleven o'clock as I head over to the garage where Cain is already waiting for me.

.

I walk on up-to the cottage where I see Jake all suited and booted walking down to the church; he just smiles at me as he passes by me. I am grinning to myself like a Cheshire cat, I can't wait.

I decide not to walk in, even though it is our joint home, this morning I knock. I am leaning against the doorframe when Aaron opens it and Jake had been right, he looks stunning. I don't move as I drink in every inch of him, he stands close in front of me and I rest my hands on his hips. I don't even need to adjust his tie, he is simply pure perfection. He leans in and kisses me, "You ready?"

I nod, pulling the door shut behind him; we walk down to the church. On the dot of eleven thirty we walk hand in hand down the aisle. 

We hadn't wanted a long or fancy ceremony, just nice and simple with close family and friends. I am the happiest I have ever been when Ashley pronounced us married and we kissed. I glanced over to Jake to see if he really did cry at weddings; I had to laugh, nudging Aaron to look. There was Diane and Chas with Jake between them and then Vic and Hazel either side of them; all five of them in a row crying away, tissues in hand.

.

It's been a good day and we are stood at the back of the bar as it moves into early evening. I have my arms around Aaron's waist and he is leaning back into me; we are watching Chas, tipsy, dancing away with the girls; watching Paddy with them is even more amusing. I nuzzle Aaron's ear, "We've come a long way hey, since I stood here last year and told you I love you in front of the whole pub?" He nods, he feels so good in my arms as I kiss his neck.

Aaron turns to me and puts his arms around my neck, saying, "I had been determined not to give into you that day and look where that got me!" He strokes my head, "I love you, Robert Jacob Livesy-Sugden," he kisses me and grins, "Never thought I would ever say that either."

I see Cain come back into the bar from outside; he simply nods and mouths silently, "It's done." I pull Aaron into me and wrap my arms around him, my beautiful husband. I smile; now the day is well and truly complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to everyone who read and gave feedback, I hope you all enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. Thanks for all the Kudos, it kept me going writing some of the more difficult chapters.
> 
> This is my first ever fic and I never intended to write it past a certain point. I just had this story bugging me in my head and the only way to stop it was to write it down. It kind of turned bigger than I had imagined it ever could; it took over my life at one point.
> 
> I have already started the next story, I might post the first chapter tonight if I get chance to do a final proof read. It will still have the love, drama and some angst; but not as dark and heavy on the theme driving it.
> 
> Its wonderful to be part of such a great fandom...  
> Caro


End file.
